What’s up RTORs!!  Man, I read one of the most horrible articles on relationship advice that I’ve read in a looooooooonnnnnggggg time.  I was on Essence.com, and one of the main articles was entitled “Marry Me Now, Or Else“.  This is basically a guide on how to give your guy the ultimatum.  What’s most sad about this article is that hundreds, if not thousands of Black women hang on to Essence’s every word when it comes to relationships, but undoubtedly, this article will leave you busted and disgusted if you enact any of it, because the bottom line is: when your man is ready to propose, he’ll do it, and if he’s not, he won’t.  If you pressure him into doing it, you might as well start saving your money for the counseling that will ensue because you will undoubtedly have issues in the relationship stemming from the ultimatum starting with infidelity.

Let’s examine some of these coals of wisdom that Essence is instructing you to enact:

1) Figure out how long you’re willing to wait for him to pop the question…and stick to the program

When you read the article, you’ll find that not only do they suggest setting a deadline in your mind, but informing him of what the deadline is!  WRONG!  The truth of the matter is that men want to be men, and no man likes to be pressured into anything.  Most men deal with deadlines in every aspect of their lives, and a relationship with you ought to be a stress reliever instead of a stress inducer.  This grand announcement of the ultimatum is the ultimate gauntlet drop, and will likely mark the beginning of the end.

2) Be sure you’re willing to pack your bags in the event that he doesn’t propose

This might be some sound advice, except for the small nuance that this suggests: you’re already living together.  I could go on and on about statistics that show that cohabitating is more likely to end in divorce when (or if) the couple marries.  Furthermore, the collateral damage that results from a relationship ending involving cohabitation vs. one where you don’t live together is much worse.  First, on top of the stress involved in the ending of any relationship, one or both of you have to find someplace else to live.  There’s divvying up anything you’ve acquired together, figuring out how the situation with the children will work (if you have children)—basically, you’re getting a divorce with none of the legal benefit in most states.  On the other hand, if you’re not living together, you might pack a box of pictures and momentos, delete him from your phone, update your Facebook status, and keep is mashin’.

3) Call his mom or sisters to chat; bake his dad some brownies…

O…..K….. This bit of advice first assumes that his family thinks you’re a good match for him (which could or could not be true).  The truth is that married couples don’t often call their in-laws just to chat it up.  If this were 20 years from now, and some chick was dating my son and trying to randomly chat me up, I’d wonder what she was up to.  This strategy, while designed to get the family in your corner, could backfire in a major way, and make you come off looking like a conniving hussy rather than a woman who truly cares about her man’s family.

4) Get advice from your girls

This coal of wisdom suggests that you talk to your girls about how they’ve squeezed their men into marriage.  Again, this makes the assumption that your girlfriend’s “successful” attempt at giving the ultimatum has resulted in a happy marriage.  And misery loves company, so of course, she’ll tell you to do the same thing so you can join her in misery and she’ll have someone she can vent and complain to about how uncommitted her husband is acting.  Well, if you force someone to act under duress, what would you expect?  I once had a “friend” suggest that I give my then boyfriend the ultimatum.  I looked at her like she was high on crack.  Why would I want to do that?  I believe that you’re just begging your man to resent and cheat on you when you do that.  As women, we don’t like being forced into anything — what makes you think your man wants to be forced into forever (forever ever – forever ever?) with you?

For more, on these coals of wisdom courtesy of Essence Magazine, check me out at: www.realtalkonrelationships.com.