Okay... at this point, I'm wondering what I did in my past lives to have earned this sort of foolishness when I was earnestly trying to meet someone nice. I mean... I'm a good person, I love the Lord, I pray and read my bible. I'm a little behind on my tithing but hey... overall, I'm a good girl. So, why is this freak-dude on my computer telling me this weirdness? What sort of twisted punishment is this? (shrug) Don't even know. However, since I'm so curious about people and what drives them... I was compelled to ask a whole lot of questions because I knew that I would never talk to this guy again in my life.

So I keep going.

Me:  hmm... so why white guys? If its not a physical attraction, then what is it?

Him:  I feel like its payback for racism.

Me:  (thinking -- this dude is a moron for real) "Really now, that's interesting."

Him:  so... does that bother you?

Me:  (screaming inside... HELL YES!)

Me:  um, no. I mean, its your life that you're living. If you're happy with the choice then great.

Him:  cool... see, I knew you were open. (laughs)

Me:  (thinking -- man, you have no idea how closed and uptight I really am)

Me:  well, not really. I'm not that open-minded but I do accept that people have to do what makes them happy -- even if its not something I would do myself.

Him:  would you have a problem with this if we were to date?

Me: (again, screaming on the inside)  well, it would depend on the nature of our relationship. If we were platonic friends -- non-sexual friends -- nope. Your sex life is your business. But if we were to consider dating, then yes. Its a deal breaker for me. I couldn't comfortably date a man who was bisexual.

Him:  I'm not bisexual. I just do this "thing" from time to time. Its payback.

Me:  oh, my bad. I understand.

And I do (well sort of) understand. I understand that there are people who engage in same sex relations but who do not subscribe to the belief that they are gay or bisexual in any way. I don't really agree with the notion but then, I'm not into same sex love personally.

What surprised me -- beyond the admission of this weird prediliction for strange reverse racism sexual role play -- was that he told me this without coersion, immediately following the "my name is" portion of the conversation. I'm not sure why he felt so comfortable with sharing something so personal but I have to say it dinged my self-esteem in a major way. I was sick/sad/upset for a couple of weeks after this conversation.

Why? Because I internalized that his decision to find a girlfriend who was open to his lifestyle choices meant that I was someone who came across as "easy" or sexually loose -- neither of which are actually true. Now that weeks have passed since this conversation, I realize just how crazy I was to even think that way.

Having breast cancer as a single girl is damaging to the self-esteem. I cannot over state that. However, this guy's personal sexual choices are not a reflection on me nor are they a statement that I'm damaged goods only worthy of someone I'm so very incompatible with.

You would be surprised at just how long it took me to come to that level of understanding. In hindsight, the story was funny. I did ask him whether he had met a lot of women who were comfortable with his non-mainstream interests. He wouldn't answer. He did say that it was probably more than I would expect.

Wow.  Who knew?

I didn't immediately quit the dating site. I thought that he had to be an anomaly and I figured that there had to be better out there. Of course, you know my luck isn't that great so... there are more stories to follow. I left after a couple of weeks because the responses I was getting weren't really of the quality I was seeking and the site wasn't free. I didn't see the point of paying to meet losers. So I bounced.

I'll tell you about the spanker in the next episode of my dating with cancer chronicles.

Let me add... I never even took the time to explain to him that I was a breast cancer survivor. I hesitated in the beginning because I thought it was a liability and he would run screaming away. And then, well, the craziness started and I didn't see the point in sharing my stuff when his was so much more interesting.

Anybody else out there experiencing interesting connections on-line?