July 29th 2010
Letting go of the anger at Valentine's Day
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by pinkribbngal on February 15, 2010, 4:25 pm in The Breakup / The Ex
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7 comments |
I am a sucker for love. I am a sucker for love. I am a SUCKER for REAL love.
I had to say it a few times to get it out of my system because I'm not sure that this post will be well received. But at the end of the day, it is the truth that I feel in my heart and I'm just going to put it out there.
A year ago, Valentine's day weekend, I was alone and bitter about it. I was in a relationship but it was fading fast. Nothing I tried to salvage the relationship was working and I was at my wit's end. I was also fighting through treatment for breast cancer.
The man I was dating was someone I had known for many years and I thought of him as a friend. We weren't particularly close before we started dating, but we were definitely cool. We had known each other for maybe 10 years and there was just a good vibe between us. But I don't pursue men and he never really pursued me... so I was content with being a fringe friend. We had friends in common -- I didn't realize how many friends in common until we were dating -- and generally everyone thought of him as a good guy. I definitely thought he was a great guy.
So, when we finally decided to start dating, I was in heaven. He was a good man, from a good family. He was kind and considerate and gentle. He was loving and fun and just as silly as I was. He was everything I ever thought I would ever want in a man. A month into our relationship, my father had a brain aneurysm.
I am a daddy's girl and it broke my heart to see my dad in the ICU for those two weeks. Broke.my.heart. But my man was there with me... every step of the way. He took me to the hospital or picked me up from the hospital as I needed it. He helped me stay abreast of what his condition meant and what we could hope for with my dad's recovery. He was amazing.
He showered me with love, all the time. So much so that I was uncomfortable in the beginning. It was so much all the time, that I didn't know how to reciprocate the emotions. But eventually, we found a groove that worked. About a month after my dad came out of the hospital, I felt a lump. And I was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month or so later.
Once again, my man was amazing. He was right there. Every step of the way. He took me to my appointments, he cried with me. He listened to everything the doctors said and he was there. I could not have asked him to do more than he did for me in those early months.
But... dealing with cancer is a marathon, not a sprint. It requires a lot of patience and a high endurance. I assumed that he had that understanding -- even if I didn't at the time because of his background -- but it turned out that he didn't.
Valentine's day came about 9 months into our relationship. I am a sucker for love. And I really love Valentine's day. I was looking forward to spending that day with my man for months and months. But, he's a guy that doesn't like Valentine's day. I didn't learn that until maybe 2 months before. By the time the fall had really gotten underway, we were strained in a bad way. I was sick and tired from the chemo. I slept a lot and cried even more. I didn't like talking to anyone. I was in chemo for four months. Immediately following chemotherapy, I had a mastectomy. That was the first major surgical procedure I had ever had. It was right around the time of the inauguration. By that point, I had not seen my boyfriend in months.
As the chemo wore me down, I stopped being able to hang out with him on our date nights. I didn't realize it then, but I think he resented the fact that I couldn't hang out and have fun like I used to. So by the time Valentine's day rolled around...he was a ghost. I never saw him, rarely talked to him. My mom and my best friends were angry -- his disappearance was so obvious, though I made a lot of excuses for him.
A part of me worried that he was tired of being hooked up to the sick girl. But I learned from other people that he was quick with the news about how I was doing, how I was handling my treatment to anyone who asked about me. We broke up after 10 months. Though the relationship didn't honestly make it 6 months.
I was bitter and I was angry. I was angry about having cancer and I was even more angry about being with a man who could not stand by my side while I dealt with it. I pushed him away -- he came at me with that "let's be friends" crap -- and I moved on. I had to keep getting treatment whether he was there or not.
It is a year later. We've managed to go back to a semblence of a friendship. Its nothing like it was before but I don't have as much anger towards him as I used to.
Until Valentine's day started getting closer. And I realized that I had a lot of residual anger for him because of his choice to party with his friends rather than spend time with me.
I feel wrong for feeling so mad about it. But it bugs me. He still tells people all this "news" about me as though we talk on a regular basis. Please. We're facebook friends. We exchange emails about once a month or so and we're on each other's Mafia Wars teams. That's it. He knows as much about how I'm doing as any person who reads my blog.
I spent this V-day alone. Sort of sulking but not entirely. I hate all things "single" around Valentine's day. So I didn't force myself to go out and be fake-cheery -- but then, with all the snow outside I couldn't have gone anywhere if I wanted to. I believe that he wants to move back into a special place in my heart but the truth is that I can't see that happening.
I don't hate him, but I don't trust him. My life is too fragile to deal with flaky people. And while he's nice and pleasant -- especially when drinks are involved -- I need my close circle of friends to be more substantive than that.
My question to any of you who have hung in there to the end of this long post (lol) is... am I wrong for feeling this residual anger toward him? If so, what can I do to move beyond it? I want to be genuinely free and happy so that I can find love again. But every now and then, the anger and pain from that relationship comes up... and it makes me pull away from even thinking about dating again.
I had to say it a few times to get it out of my system because I'm not sure that this post will be well received. But at the end of the day, it is the truth that I feel in my heart and I'm just going to put it out there.
A year ago, Valentine's day weekend, I was alone and bitter about it. I was in a relationship but it was fading fast. Nothing I tried to salvage the relationship was working and I was at my wit's end. I was also fighting through treatment for breast cancer.
The man I was dating was someone I had known for many years and I thought of him as a friend. We weren't particularly close before we started dating, but we were definitely cool. We had known each other for maybe 10 years and there was just a good vibe between us. But I don't pursue men and he never really pursued me... so I was content with being a fringe friend. We had friends in common -- I didn't realize how many friends in common until we were dating -- and generally everyone thought of him as a good guy. I definitely thought he was a great guy.
So, when we finally decided to start dating, I was in heaven. He was a good man, from a good family. He was kind and considerate and gentle. He was loving and fun and just as silly as I was. He was everything I ever thought I would ever want in a man. A month into our relationship, my father had a brain aneurysm.
I am a daddy's girl and it broke my heart to see my dad in the ICU for those two weeks. Broke.my.heart. But my man was there with me... every step of the way. He took me to the hospital or picked me up from the hospital as I needed it. He helped me stay abreast of what his condition meant and what we could hope for with my dad's recovery. He was amazing.
He showered me with love, all the time. So much so that I was uncomfortable in the beginning. It was so much all the time, that I didn't know how to reciprocate the emotions. But eventually, we found a groove that worked. About a month after my dad came out of the hospital, I felt a lump. And I was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month or so later.
Once again, my man was amazing. He was right there. Every step of the way. He took me to my appointments, he cried with me. He listened to everything the doctors said and he was there. I could not have asked him to do more than he did for me in those early months.
But... dealing with cancer is a marathon, not a sprint. It requires a lot of patience and a high endurance. I assumed that he had that understanding -- even if I didn't at the time because of his background -- but it turned out that he didn't.
Valentine's day came about 9 months into our relationship. I am a sucker for love. And I really love Valentine's day. I was looking forward to spending that day with my man for months and months. But, he's a guy that doesn't like Valentine's day. I didn't learn that until maybe 2 months before. By the time the fall had really gotten underway, we were strained in a bad way. I was sick and tired from the chemo. I slept a lot and cried even more. I didn't like talking to anyone. I was in chemo for four months. Immediately following chemotherapy, I had a mastectomy. That was the first major surgical procedure I had ever had. It was right around the time of the inauguration. By that point, I had not seen my boyfriend in months.
As the chemo wore me down, I stopped being able to hang out with him on our date nights. I didn't realize it then, but I think he resented the fact that I couldn't hang out and have fun like I used to. So by the time Valentine's day rolled around...he was a ghost. I never saw him, rarely talked to him. My mom and my best friends were angry -- his disappearance was so obvious, though I made a lot of excuses for him.
A part of me worried that he was tired of being hooked up to the sick girl. But I learned from other people that he was quick with the news about how I was doing, how I was handling my treatment to anyone who asked about me. We broke up after 10 months. Though the relationship didn't honestly make it 6 months.
I was bitter and I was angry. I was angry about having cancer and I was even more angry about being with a man who could not stand by my side while I dealt with it. I pushed him away -- he came at me with that "let's be friends" crap -- and I moved on. I had to keep getting treatment whether he was there or not.
It is a year later. We've managed to go back to a semblence of a friendship. Its nothing like it was before but I don't have as much anger towards him as I used to.
Until Valentine's day started getting closer. And I realized that I had a lot of residual anger for him because of his choice to party with his friends rather than spend time with me.
I feel wrong for feeling so mad about it. But it bugs me. He still tells people all this "news" about me as though we talk on a regular basis. Please. We're facebook friends. We exchange emails about once a month or so and we're on each other's Mafia Wars teams. That's it. He knows as much about how I'm doing as any person who reads my blog.
I spent this V-day alone. Sort of sulking but not entirely. I hate all things "single" around Valentine's day. So I didn't force myself to go out and be fake-cheery -- but then, with all the snow outside I couldn't have gone anywhere if I wanted to. I believe that he wants to move back into a special place in my heart but the truth is that I can't see that happening.
I don't hate him, but I don't trust him. My life is too fragile to deal with flaky people. And while he's nice and pleasant -- especially when drinks are involved -- I need my close circle of friends to be more substantive than that.
My question to any of you who have hung in there to the end of this long post (lol) is... am I wrong for feeling this residual anger toward him? If so, what can I do to move beyond it? I want to be genuinely free and happy so that I can find love again. But every now and then, the anger and pain from that relationship comes up... and it makes me pull away from even thinking about dating again.
Join the conversation, add your comment7 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On February 15, 2010, 8:41 pm JustAThought says:
Girl, you are a better one than me! But, to answer your question, no you are not wrong for feeling how you feel. And, as for moving beyond it, the first thing to do is to tell yourself, aloud, that you forgive him. And remind yourself of that whenever those residual feelings of anger come up. And give yourself time. Some things take longer to get over than others, especially considering this wasn't just about a flaky relationship, but also involved a very serious illness and recovery.
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On February 15, 2010, 10:31 pm pinkribbngal says:
Thanks JustAThought. I thought that I was pretty good with how I felt about him until I started noticing he was in my thoughts more and more the closer we got to Valentine's day. I'm glad that its behind me now. :)
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On February 15, 2010, 10:31 pm pinkribbngal says:
Thanks JustAThought. I thought that I was pretty good with how I felt about him until I started noticing he was in my thoughts more and more the closer we got to Valentine's day. I'm glad that its behind me now. :)
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On February 15, 2010, 10:31 pm pinkribbngal says:
Thanks JustAThought. I thought that I was pretty good with how I felt about him until I started noticing he was in my thoughts more and more the closer we got to Valentine's day. I'm glad that its behind me now. :)
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On February 15, 2010, 10:31 pm pinkribbngal says:
Thanks JustAThought. I thought that I was pretty good with how I felt about him until I started noticing he was in my thoughts more and more the closer we got to Valentine's day. I'm glad that its behind me now. :)
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On February 16, 2010, 6:07 am loveless says:
my suggestion is to stop being angry with him and associating valentines day with something negative, i am speaking from experience, My husband left me for a gospel singer, that was ten years ago and I still have ill feelings about that. I dont listen to gospel songs and when i go to church, I just want the preacher to preach. I go to Pastor Marvin Winans church so you know they sing alot. lol. I associated gospel music with the affair. its something im working on but it hasnt been easy. Also what he did was wrong but it sound like he was there for you at one point in your life when you really needed someone and you guys shared great memories. I would focus on the good and give a brother a break on the bad, Im just getting to the point where I can be around the my ex and his wife. Things get better with time though. Let go of some of the anger, from a person who has been dealing with it for far too long.
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On February 16, 2010, 11:00 pm Dashon says:
@Pink: I co-sign JAT's advice. Remember forgiveness is more about, and for YOU, than it is the other person. Once you're able to sincerely get to that point....you'll be able to "release him in love", and move on with your (romantic) life.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you resume a relationship with him, or try to go back to the way things were prior; but its necessary so that you can "release him (and thoughts of him) in love." Ya feel me? |
