September 9th 2010

Ending it because it was undefined

I just read a blog post about being in undefined relationships. It really struck a nerve for me.  I just spent 2-3 months in a very undefined relationship. To say that the lack of definition drove me batty... would be very unfair and critical to bats. (laughs) But it did bother me intensely that I was dating someone who refused to date me back.

Oh... before this gets too wayward... he was a wonderful guy. Always a gentleman, lots of fun... just no commitment. And while normally that would not have bothered me a lot, at this point in my life it is a true waste of time. To look at us from the outside, you could have easily thought that we had been together for some time and were a happy couple. In my words we were dating. In his, we were "kicking it".

WTF is kicking it? And why should I still be doing that at 40 ?

It became the elephant in the room with us and every time we were together... we found ourselves eating elephant azz sandwiches. All the time. Every time. We talked more about the non-relationship we were having than we talked about what we wanted to be when we grew up or where we thought space travel might be in 40 years... Somedays I literally wanted to jump up, slap him, scream in his face to SHADDUP ALREADY about the ex-wife and the old girlfriend and just run away.

But I didn't. I tried to be understanding that he really felt strongly about not being in a relationship. I tried to be lighthearted and easygoing about not dating but just kicking it. I tried to relax -- his words -- and go with the flow. Problem for me was... I was relaxed and I was flowing. And it was easy for me to see and for others as well... that we were flowing right into a relationship. Totally against what he wanted for his life.

In the beginning when it started becoming obvious that we really were digging each other, I took him at his word that he didn't want a relationship. Knowing that I did, I tried to end things two months ago. That was a mistake -- my timing was awful -- because we ended up talking until 3am about how we could be good together, how he was good for me (he was) and how his life was too complicated for a relationship (it wasn't).

I think (and this is just my guess) that he felt that his life was just not ideal for beginning any serious relationship. I understand that perspective because as a breast cancer survivor, I often feel that my life is just too burdensome to ask anyone to sign up for this. But I recognize with myself that a lot of that reasoning is fear that no one will opt to sign up for this life with me. For me, his life was fine. He was healthy, his kids were healthy and he had a great relationship with their mothers. Score! He was a well-adjusted and normal black man. I was fine with that. I wasn't fine with feeling compared to the ex's. I wasn't fine with feeling like I was only good enough for partying and drinking. And I really wasn't fine with that kicking it bs.

Initially, I agreed that we would kick it through the summer and then re-evaluate at the end of the summer. In the beginning we were planning a million things to do this summer -- trips, concerts, restaurants, games, theater, etc. If you can think of it, we probably did and were going to do it. And when we started hanging out, it was fun. So much fun. But then, he started getting nervous. If we went out on the same day of the week every week -- he worried that we were creating a habit. When we talked on the phone more than a few times a week, he worried that we were becoming too close. When we went out to eat three weeks in a row, he worried that we were becoming too much like boyfriend and girlfriend.

At that point, I started to slowly unravel and lose my sense of balance. Sigh. How do you get to know someone if you can't spend time with them because they are afraid that you're getting too close and too involved? How do you even make the decision whether or not you really dig someone if everytime you talk to them about their life, you see the calculations in their head while they try to figure out how far is too far to go in this conversation?

During one of our early conversations he told me that he didn't ever want to get married again and he didn't want any children. I asked him why then he was trying to get close to a woman who had never been married and didn't have any children? Where is the logic in that? I respected his wishes for his life and I thought that if I scaled back my expectations then things would be okay.

But I am a breast cancer survivor and while it may seem like it doesn't really have a place in this story -- its a huge part of who I am and how I see myself right now. I have been the "fun" friend for a long time. I have been a bar fly and a club-goer for years (though I turned in my club card awhile ago). I understand that I can be the friend that people call when they want fun people to be at their party. But while that is fun, its not sustaining. And when you're sick or down... the folks at the bar and at the club aren't the folks who will be by your hospital bed holding your hand. I'm in a new place now and I'm trying to cultivate relationships with more depth than a Long Island Ice Tea can provide.

For his comfort we stopped "dating" early on and resolved to "kick it". For his comfort we downgraded recently from "kicking it" to just friends. When we went out as just friends, it didn't exactly work when he tried to hug and kiss me at different points in the evening. And when he off-handedly blew me off on Friday evening... I reached an impasse. I could keep downgrading my relationship with him to help him with his ever-increasing discomfort with liking me. Or I could stand up for myself and what I wanted for me... and walk away.

So... I pulled out my sassiest heels... and I strutted off into the sunset. My heart does miss him a bit. He was a lot of fun and a really good guy. But, I think we were ultimately doing each other a disservice by not remaining true to the boundaries we had set for ourselves.

Have you dealt with the undefined relationship? And if so, how did it turn out? Did you make it work (please leave detailed notes if you did)? Or did you walk away?