September 8th 2010
Does marriage equal infidelity?
 |
by pinkribbngal on May 19, 2010, 8:28 pm in Marriage
|
46 comments |
Single girl here. No kids. I try to hang out at least once every week or so. Gives me a chance to get out of the house and sometimes offers me the opportunity to meet new people.
I meet a lot of guys -- I'm pretty friendly and approachable I think -- but it never fails to amaze me the number of married me that I meet who want to take me out on dates. I don't quite understand how that works but it happens all the time. Its gotten so common that even some of my married friends have asked me out on dates or suggested intimacies that I would think would be shared with their wives.
I talk to a lot of women on a regular basis (I run a listserve for black women) and a lot of the women are married. So, this conversation about infidelity comes up periodically. For the most part, their perspective is that any woman who chooses to engage with a married man is a tramp. (They say other things too but that's the gist of it) Rarely do they consider that the man is any type of tramp or that he may be suffering from low self-esteem. Nah. The normal response is... "men will be men and until women decide to stop letting married men have sex with them or engage in relationships with them, then it will continue."
That perspective ALWAYS blows me. It never ceases to amaze me that women are expected to be the regulators of what another adult chooses to do. (shrug) But at any rate, that is the expectation from a lot of women. Not all. There are some women who think that a man who cheats on his wife is worse than the woman he cheats with.
I have a different perspective because I'm one of the women who constantly meets other people's husbands and has to deal with their advances on a regular basis. For one, I think that some husbands cheat because they expect to always be able to get some new "new" whenever they want it. I think that a lot of women act as though they don't know when they are dating a man that he is a serial cheater...or they believe he will change after the wedding day. (hmph... people are who they are)
Secondly, I think that any man who dogs and/or trash-talks his wife out in the street is some garbage and he can't get my attention. Telling me that you married the wrong person, that you didn't do your due diligence, that she's a liar, or that y'all ain't fcking... does NOTHING to make me excited to be in your life. If you're willing to put your house-business in the street like that, I look at you and see TRICK written all over your forehead. If you'll dog out the sister who is helping you to make a life, then there's no way in hell I can believe that you won't dog me out in a worse way. Pass. That isht ain't sexy at all.
Thirdly... I think that for some people, the thought of truly being monogamous is foreign. I think that a lot of people (men and women) get married for the wrong reasons (namely that they believe they are supposed to be married) and they don't really want to rock the boat at home when things aren't going well. Its easy to meet new people and strike up new friendships. Harder to go home and work on whatever is bugging the crap out of you about your wife this week.
Fourth, if nobody ever told it before I'm gonna tell it now. Married men come out the gate harder, stronger and more persistently than single men. They make it hard to say no, go to hell or better yet go home. Hard. If you've been dating for awhile (like me) you tend to meet some real characters. I've met some guys who seemed absolutely wonderful... but they fail to disclose wives at home (and sometimes girlfriends on the side). So, you are faced with the choice of asking a lot of rude and invasive questions upfront... or plan to be super-detective down the line and try to figure out what their situation is. I don't have patience for "finding out" so I ask direct questions. Sometimes men lie to my face, other times they are brutally honest. Which leads me to my next point...
Fifth... some men believe that because of the money they make and/or the lifestyle they provide to their wives and kids, it is the equivalent of being given a free pass to do whatever they want. I have an ex-boyfriend who is now married. I see that cat at the club all the time. And everytime he's trying to scoot out with me (or some other babe). Its wild as hell to me. Everytime his wife is out of town, he's out getting in some new "new". When I've questioned him about this he always replies that she's getting the life she wanted so she has no right to question anything that he does.
Amazing. But not unusual.
Recently, I was asked out by an old friend. He's married. Really sweet guy. When I asked him why he wanted to go out he said that he still found me attractive. (Huh?) He didn't think anything at all about the fact that he was married -- other than he was pretty sure that I wouldn't be the type of woman who would want to mess up his happy home.
There's a deep insult in there... but I don't think he realized it. Or cared. Which makes me wonder why someone's husband would want a girl like me? I know I'm fun to hang out with, I can work a good conversation. I'm easy on the eyes and I'm pretty low-key. BUT... I'm also pretty upfront about calling bs on stuff and I'm not one to really hold my tongue too long. So I don't think I understand what any married guy wants with me.
I grew up watching the older people in my life cheating on their spouses all the time. As an adult, I have a lot of friends who regularly engage in relationships outside of their marriage. In fact, I have friends who have told me that they specifically married the woman that they did because they knew that she would tolerate their cheating.
But when I think about getting married myself, I wonder whether or not I'm crazy for hoping that I can be in a monogamous relationship with someone who is being monogamous with me.
What do you think? Is it naive to believe that married people will never cheat? Or is it something to be expected and dealt with in a long-term relationship or marriage?
I meet a lot of guys -- I'm pretty friendly and approachable I think -- but it never fails to amaze me the number of married me that I meet who want to take me out on dates. I don't quite understand how that works but it happens all the time. Its gotten so common that even some of my married friends have asked me out on dates or suggested intimacies that I would think would be shared with their wives.
I talk to a lot of women on a regular basis (I run a listserve for black women) and a lot of the women are married. So, this conversation about infidelity comes up periodically. For the most part, their perspective is that any woman who chooses to engage with a married man is a tramp. (They say other things too but that's the gist of it) Rarely do they consider that the man is any type of tramp or that he may be suffering from low self-esteem. Nah. The normal response is... "men will be men and until women decide to stop letting married men have sex with them or engage in relationships with them, then it will continue."
That perspective ALWAYS blows me. It never ceases to amaze me that women are expected to be the regulators of what another adult chooses to do. (shrug) But at any rate, that is the expectation from a lot of women. Not all. There are some women who think that a man who cheats on his wife is worse than the woman he cheats with.
I have a different perspective because I'm one of the women who constantly meets other people's husbands and has to deal with their advances on a regular basis. For one, I think that some husbands cheat because they expect to always be able to get some new "new" whenever they want it. I think that a lot of women act as though they don't know when they are dating a man that he is a serial cheater...or they believe he will change after the wedding day. (hmph... people are who they are)
Secondly, I think that any man who dogs and/or trash-talks his wife out in the street is some garbage and he can't get my attention. Telling me that you married the wrong person, that you didn't do your due diligence, that she's a liar, or that y'all ain't fcking... does NOTHING to make me excited to be in your life. If you're willing to put your house-business in the street like that, I look at you and see TRICK written all over your forehead. If you'll dog out the sister who is helping you to make a life, then there's no way in hell I can believe that you won't dog me out in a worse way. Pass. That isht ain't sexy at all.
Thirdly... I think that for some people, the thought of truly being monogamous is foreign. I think that a lot of people (men and women) get married for the wrong reasons (namely that they believe they are supposed to be married) and they don't really want to rock the boat at home when things aren't going well. Its easy to meet new people and strike up new friendships. Harder to go home and work on whatever is bugging the crap out of you about your wife this week.
Fourth, if nobody ever told it before I'm gonna tell it now. Married men come out the gate harder, stronger and more persistently than single men. They make it hard to say no, go to hell or better yet go home. Hard. If you've been dating for awhile (like me) you tend to meet some real characters. I've met some guys who seemed absolutely wonderful... but they fail to disclose wives at home (and sometimes girlfriends on the side). So, you are faced with the choice of asking a lot of rude and invasive questions upfront... or plan to be super-detective down the line and try to figure out what their situation is. I don't have patience for "finding out" so I ask direct questions. Sometimes men lie to my face, other times they are brutally honest. Which leads me to my next point...
Fifth... some men believe that because of the money they make and/or the lifestyle they provide to their wives and kids, it is the equivalent of being given a free pass to do whatever they want. I have an ex-boyfriend who is now married. I see that cat at the club all the time. And everytime he's trying to scoot out with me (or some other babe). Its wild as hell to me. Everytime his wife is out of town, he's out getting in some new "new". When I've questioned him about this he always replies that she's getting the life she wanted so she has no right to question anything that he does.
Amazing. But not unusual.
Recently, I was asked out by an old friend. He's married. Really sweet guy. When I asked him why he wanted to go out he said that he still found me attractive. (Huh?) He didn't think anything at all about the fact that he was married -- other than he was pretty sure that I wouldn't be the type of woman who would want to mess up his happy home.
There's a deep insult in there... but I don't think he realized it. Or cared. Which makes me wonder why someone's husband would want a girl like me? I know I'm fun to hang out with, I can work a good conversation. I'm easy on the eyes and I'm pretty low-key. BUT... I'm also pretty upfront about calling bs on stuff and I'm not one to really hold my tongue too long. So I don't think I understand what any married guy wants with me.
I grew up watching the older people in my life cheating on their spouses all the time. As an adult, I have a lot of friends who regularly engage in relationships outside of their marriage. In fact, I have friends who have told me that they specifically married the woman that they did because they knew that she would tolerate their cheating.
But when I think about getting married myself, I wonder whether or not I'm crazy for hoping that I can be in a monogamous relationship with someone who is being monogamous with me.
What do you think? Is it naive to believe that married people will never cheat? Or is it something to be expected and dealt with in a long-term relationship or marriage?
Join the conversation, add your comment46 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
 |
On May 20, 2010, 12:32 pm pinkribbngal says:
Wow... so its just all a game?
|
 |
On May 20, 2010, 1:32 pm MsValleyG says:
@Pink: I'm praying for monogamy in a marriage. I have never cheated on anyone b/c I am a faithful person.
What strikes me most about your blog is the fact the married men still step to you. I too don't hold my tongue very long & I am very straighforward. Yet I've been approached on some boo-boo by dozens of married men, including co-workers & ministers at church. I find it quite odd that these men have the audacity to even approach me & in the same breath say how much of a good woman I am & how I'll make some man happy one day. While at the same time, openly disrespecting me by being in pursuit of me. WTH?!? I've grown tired of these advances so I just nip things in the bud immediately or I cease from having any contact with them at all. I do not want to have any issues with anyone's wife or cause disarray in anyone's home b/c I too would like the same respece whenever I get married. To your question, I believe there are some people out there who still believe in monogamy in a marital relationship yet I've become skeptical over time b/c I too have seen numerous family members get cheated on by their husbands... However, many of these female family members eventually put their FEET down & the men ceased from going on the prey outside of home. |
|
On May 20, 2010, 1:59 pm pinkribbngal says:
I honestly believe that for many folks, cheating is considered fair game as long as they don't get caught. And even after they get caught, then they should be forgiven.
Someone I know cheated on his wife for years. Had a child outside of the marriage and everything. The wife eventually forgave him and they resumed their marriage. It was rocky but they stayed together. That man got really sick and the wife was there to nurse him back to health. He told me during that time that he was so grateful that his wife loved him and was willing to stand by his side. He wasn't sure that he would have been able to get past her having a child with someone else. Swore that things would forever be different. They were different for about 2 years after his recuperation. Now, he's back to his old tricks but he's just sneakier about what he does. I think that some folks just cheat because its what fills them up, makes them happy or makes them feel whole. |
|
On May 20, 2010, 2:35 pm MsValleyG says:
@Pink: For some, their appetites can't be quenched. Nothing is ever enough especially when it comes to lust.
|
 |
On May 20, 2010, 3:40 pm wotubenmissn says:
pink perhaps for the folks who are insecure with themselves it is more about the games.
@MVG, me and my boys call it the "unquenchable thirst." lol |
|
On May 20, 2010, 4:01 pm MsValleyG says:
@WO: LMBO!!!
|
|
On May 20, 2010, 4:21 pm pinkribbngal says:
Okay... so for all of us who continue to hope and believe that marriage can equal monogamy do you find that you meet people who think like you think?
|
|
On May 20, 2010, 5:14 pm wotubenmissn says:
For me that would be hard to say, I'd like to think so, but lately with the females that I meet and deal with the subject has not gotten brought up, and I haven't been moved enough to bring it up, that's for dam sure! Now by the same token, I'd like to think that's what going on in their minds, and they tend to act like that's what's in their head, but who knows?
As far as my boys, I have some that don't think it will be that way, and some that do. It's not a subject that gets brought up amongst the fellas though lol. |
 |
On May 20, 2010, 9:23 pm JustAThought says:
As always, a good blog. Personally, I still believe in having a monogamous marriage in the future, but I have become a little jaded. From being hit on by married men nearly constantly, to having personal acquaintances cheat on their partners, to hearing women and men absolve men of all responsibility for being faithful, etc. Cheating is about being selfish, so the more selfish the person, the more they will cheat. Men suffer from this disease at the rates they do because society condones it.I don't think it's naive to believe that married people never cheat. It is however, a lot more rare (not jsut nowadays, because people back in the day cheated as well). I think people have to be committed to the committment, and not have their blinders on that marriage does not mean the end of temptation. As for your friend that is chronically cheating on his wife, even after his illness, he needs to be neutered without anesthesia.
|
 |
On May 21, 2010, 12:54 am Dashon says:
Married men come out the gate harder, stronger and more persistently than single men.
@Pink: Amen to that! Ditto for dudes in so-called committed relationships. It seems the challenge of flipping you makes them come harder. These Single Husbands are out there trying to get it in. Call me naive...but I think we have a right to expect fidelity from our mates. Will we get it? As your blog and other posts point out its a 50/50 shot. Sad...but true. Great Blog! |
 |
On May 21, 2010, 6:50 am crucial63 says:
Married men come out the gate harder, stronger and more persistently than single men.
The main reason for this is that there are a large number of women who will accept and deal with a married man for whatever the reason. I've heard excuses from "I give him what he can't get at home" to "It's not my fault if she can't keep her man happy" Just stating a fact no judgement. When women make it harder for married men to cheat the number of them cheating will decrease, as it is now a lot of women love being the other woman. Does marriage equal infidelity? No it doesn't at all, when two people respect each other and understand what their committment is they will do whatever it takes not to cheat. Everyone knows of a or more than one couple who got married when they still had people on the side or their best friend(s) were people with whom they had prior relationships with WTF what else could come of it but cheating. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 6:54 am pinkribbngal says:
I'm still pondering this issue of married men coming on harder and stronger than single, available men. It seems so backwards. So, if you're a single woman and you meet a man who seems sincere and seems to be really interested in you -- you're supposed to think that his attention is a cover-up for his true motives?
And if you meet someone who seems nice but doesn't really express a lot of interest, or is reserved... that is the guy that you're supposed to be more excited about? I don't understand. I get it that some people are shy or reserved. I get it that some guys are hesitant to put themselves out there because of what they've been through. But the same way that I have to put myself out there on a limb a little bit in order to meet someone and be available, I would think that a man would need to do that too. What am I missing? |
|
On May 21, 2010, 6:58 am crucial63 says:
I'm feeling the blog and it has some teeth to it but this has been going on for years and will continue until men and women take a stand and do what is right.
Here is a qoute that is oh so damn true "you will never lose a woman chasing money, but you will lose money chasing a woman" Point being if you have money you will have women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know the sisters will be all over that qoute but just sit back and think about it, don't say what you will or won't do but think on what you have seen other women do. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 7:00 am pinkribbngal says:
@crucial ... I agree/know that a lot of women are satisfied with being the side chick. And I understand that they have their reasons for why that type of relationship works. It might, I don't know. But if there are women out there who will go for that type of relationship, then it means that they don't have to try so hard with the ones who don't or who are hesitant about it. Doesn't seem to be a need to be so "aggressive" because the market is there.
I really don't know about this one. I do want to believe that fidelity in marriage is possible. I know a few married couples who view monogamy as the only option. But they are rare. And honestly, they work really hard on their marriages. Which is a good thing, I think. But not something that a lot of people do. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 7:03 am pinkribbngal says:
@ crucial ... you're so right about that. But isn't that the way that the game is set up? If men are the ones who pursue, they are the ones who spend. A woman will spend after there has been some establishment of a commitment or at minimum an interest -- but that is not how we are taught to date. At least not most of us.
Real talk. I am turned way off by a man who expects me to pay for him all the time. I will pay for dates along the way -- I will ask for dates during the course of our relationship -- but if I feel like this guy just expects a woman to pay for him all the time, he ends up on the curb. I can't do it. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 7:09 am crucial63 says:
Baby-girl you may just have an old soul that is not being nurtured by the vibe in society when it comes to dating.
I see women drive up to the gas pump with man sitting on the passenger side, she gets out pumps gas and pays for it no problem but why? If as a woman you accept that I guess he is feeling like what else can I do to fuel my needs not the relationship. A man cheating and or not being what a man is supposed to be to his woman just doesn't start because a fine woman walks in our eyesight. I agree with you on "A woman will spend after there has been some establishment of a commitment or at minimum an interest -- but that is not how we are taught to date" You can blame false independence on the last part, as a man should be a man and take care of his woman not have her take care of him. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 7:21 am pinkribbngal says:
I am definitely old-fashioned when it comes to dating. But I did my experimenting with being the aggressor and paying for dates. That isht is for the birds. Like I said, I will definitely do things to let a guy know that I don't take his money for granted and I will pay for dates along the way. But I can't stand a man who doesn't understand basic things. I can't take it.
I don't expect a man to take care of me completely while we're dating. But I do watch him to see how he handles certain things and what he does to move the relationship forward. Dating is ultimately about spending time together and talking and getting to know one another. Its gotten messed up because so many women look at dating as a way to get free entertainment and free meals from a guy. That isn't the point. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 7:32 am crucial63 says:
WOW baby-girl your on point, I can't tell you how many times a woman who I knew wasn't interested in me thought she could get free entertainment, meals and or trips out of me.
I have no problem taking care of a woman while dating her but agree that there has to be some growth to US or what is the point? I think your good by your conversation nothing to change about you and since you know the game don't settle for it. There are a lot of old soul men out here that are trying to be new jacks which is putting more salt on the dating scene. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 8:32 am wotubenmissn says:
And if you meet someone who seems nice but doesn't really express a lot of interest, or is reserved... that is the guy that you're supposed to be more excited about?
The short answer is, it depends. I wasn't trying to say that single men don't get excited about women or don't go as hard, but you have to take the situation and circumstances into consideration. On the particular day that you meet single dude, he may not have is "go time" button on, because he's constantly hollering, or has his focus elsewhere, or after he's approached and engaged in conversation with you, dare I type it, you may be feeling HIM more than he is you. People's mood's fluctuate. Perhaps when single dude pulls a woman up, he's expecting a much better conversation than the woman is giving him. Not to say that one is boring or anything like that, but there are quite a few dynamic sister's out there, so if the vibe is right when you meet it's all good, but if not...there's more work to be done, and in the situation where guy seems "not as fired up" that MAY be a time where you have to step YOUR game up. A married dude who's getting his holler on is after 1 thing and 1 thing only (for the most part) and that is the draws. So a woman can act turned off, quiet, whatever, as long as y'all are talkin' he's trying to figure out a way in, that night if you let him! Hence the stepped up effort. I'm just giving you a take and some insight. At the end of the day, you probably need to ASK the guy if he is married. No dude should take offense to that. If he lies, then that's a whole other thing. Take your time though. |
 |
On May 21, 2010, 9:06 am G-Smoove says:
@ pinkribbngal- Love the post!!! I am going to sum it up for you! I have said this many time before to many different women, MEN ARE NOT MEANT TO BE WITH ONE WOMAN!!!! PERIOD!!! You can use all kinds of examples but the truth is that it is not in a man's nature to be with one. Now I know that you and all the other sisters out there dont like this at all! But I ask you this. If homosexuality is supposedly wrong and there are 10 times more women born thatn men on the planet, and there is supposed to be a mate for everyone?????? Then you are going to have to concede the fact that what I am saying is true. The reason women are banging thier heads against this brick wall called monogamy is because they are afraid to admit the truth to themselves. I AM NOT SAYING THAT THINGS SHOULD CHANGE!!! I am trying to help you understand why married men cheat.
I know that the first response from women is going to be "what if women went out and did the same thing" or "you men couldnt handle it if women did the same thing!" You are right! But it is because it is what is in our nature vs what is in your nature! I always say know the beast that you are dealing with. that goes for men and women! And I am not just talking about one particular partner. I mean know the thingans that make women tick and men tick. Of course women now dont like the idea of what I am saying but what about what life was like before we were stolen from Africa. That society is practices polygamy and the women accept it! If you do your research you will see that the whole idea of mongamy was created to curtail the potncy and labedo of black men! WE HAVE A HUGE SEX DRIVE! I hoe that no one feels disrespected by this post but I have to speak my mind. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 9:14 am G-Smoove says:
I am not defending cheating but I am trying to shed light onwhy it is so prominant! You ahave to ralize that we are visually stimulated beings! Stimulated to the an extent that you dont understand. It is a reflex! The big bombshell is that SEX AND LOVE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER IN THE MINDS OF MEN! SEX IS A SPORT OR RECREATION OR ENTERTAINMENT! Womne do not view sex in the same way that men do so stop trying to compete. The only reason women go out and cheat on a cheating man is because she is trying to get back at him! I understand that feeling but you have to be smart and real with yourself. I dont care what you think or what some men may tell you! We were not meant to be with one!!! A lot of you want to bring up the bible and that is fine! But didnt GOD bless men with more wives in the bible? And some of you respond by saying that that is how they did it in the old days and God only intended for that in those times!!! So what you are telling me is that the All powerful, all knowing God, who makes no mistakes had a new idea?????? Just think about that!
|
|
On May 21, 2010, 9:19 am G-Smoove says:
Sorry about the spelling!
|
|
On May 21, 2010, 9:22 am pinkribbngal says:
Here is the thing though... we are raised in a culture that stresses monogamy. While it may be true that men are more inclined to be with multiple women, there is some level of control to that because the majority of men don't go around and just "take" sex from women whenever the urge hits.
We're not animals. We do have and exercise self-control when it suits us. So, while I have heard this argument before I don't think it holds much water for me. Men can control whatever they want to control and they can do whatever they choose to do. Many just don't choose to remain committed to their vows and commitment. |
 |
On May 21, 2010, 9:32 am Wood says:
I do expect monogomy in pending marriage from both ends. On my end, I'm not greedy, and I'm not spending time or money on no woman, and I also lack the desire and the courage to put a whole lot of mess on the line. I've detected that my girl has this elevated confidence and trust in me, and I hate to dissappoint.
Marriage and committed men come out the gate hard for a variety of reasons. It is very easy to approach and talk smack, because he knows that there isn't any emotional stake on his end, and for the most part, they are just looking for some casual, carefree, and some hassle free loving at the most. A few of my married partners run the sistas harder than I did when I was single. They were more agressive and relaxed when approaching women. What am I missing? The more serious you are about dating and trying to find a truely good woman to have, the more difficult it is in making a move, because the rejections cut more deeply. Pink, I know the sistas have their issues, but the relationship climate for any brotha who is serious about finding a wife, is absolutely horrible. It is very easy to find someone who sounds great on paper, but there are tons of things that I found extremely lacking from many of the woman that I've dated who lacked the intangibles that I would not want to have around me on anything deeper than a GF. Even some of the biggest married players I've know, would always talk about how sorry and useless many of the woman they were see are. One of my friends would always call them "bitches". They would always talk about how unlucky any men would be if he marrys many of the women they were sexing... eventhougth, their wives weren't lucky when she married him...lol. The climate is extremely horrible. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 9:36 am G-Smoove says:
Yes I agree!! But we also live in a society were sex is put in our breakfast food!!!!! LOL!! This is the reason that in muslim countries the women are veild! I know that they take it to the extreme but it is for that exact reason! Also, if there are women willing to settle for the then there will always be men willing to provide!!! I feel you on the point we need to excercise self control! But if everything in our society wasnt based on sex it wouldnt be a problem!!! That is like asking a rehabilitated crackhead to guard your stash of dope inside of your crackhouse with all the other crackheads getting high inside!!!
|
|
On May 21, 2010, 10:22 am Dashon says:
When women make it harder for married men to cheat the number of them cheating will decrease, as it is now a lot of women love being the other woman.
@Crucial: This speaks to one of the points Pink made. Why can't it be: That when married men keep their issh in their pants, it will make it harder for the women who love being the other woman to play that role? I'm just saying....its a dual responsibility here. There are a lot of old soul men out here that are trying to be new jacks which is putting more salt on the dating scene. I've noticed that too...and it just makes me SMDH, because I know these fellas know better. What's sadder is that women who know better, are adapting to this new jack way of doing things because they feel they have to in order to be with a dude. I for one aint doing it...if that means my future relationships will consist of me and a house full of cats...then Meow baby! Men can control whatever they want to control and they can do whatever they choose to do. Many just don't choose to remain committed to their vows and commitment. @Pink: True...the same goes for women who creep. |
 |
On May 21, 2010, 11:26 am BEASTFRMVA says:
I have written this from the guy point of view and messing with married women: http://www.flaglerhill.com/blog/BEASTFRMVA/happy-home---hypocrite.php
I wonder the same things! |
 |
On May 21, 2010, 11:48 am Perpetual says:
What do you think? Is it naive to believe that married people will never cheat? Or is it something to be expected and dealt with in a long-term relationship or marriage?
I honestly don't know of any man alive whom wouldn't cross that line. I.M.P. Even the sweetest most innocent man will leap at some point in time whether he is married or not. The only way for a man to be truly faithful is IF he actually practices monogamy in a relationship prior to marriage. How many men can say they've NEVER cheated? I've prepared myself to deal with infidelity as the natural make up of a man...I'd just hope he would be the type of man that is respectful enough to protect himself an conceal it to the fullest. **I don't want to hear anything, see anything, suspect anything, smell anything...nothing.** Would I leave my husband (future) if he cheated? It depends on many factors --better be a damn good man in every way. Is marriage even sacred to a man? Do men feel like marriage should be "until death do us part?" |
|
On May 21, 2010, 12:04 pm crucial63 says:
Dashon: @Crucial: This speaks to one of the points Pink made. Why can't it be: That when married men keep their issh in their pants, it will make it harder for the women who love being the other woman to play that role? I'm just saying....its a dual responsibility here.
We all know that thru history the main weakness of men has been women!!!!!! Women have been used to bring down nations, Samson, got Dillenger killed etc..... So it is deeper than we think. If it was as simple as just keeping it in the man's pants or a woman just saying NO we wouldn't be having this conversation. Society has to change in order for cheating to be controlled as it was always their just not as in your face as it is now. To me the whole point of marriage was to have one person for everything the good, the bad, the ugly and the WTF. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 12:18 pm Wood says:
Perpatual, that isn't a very optimistic viewpoint. I expect my woman that I marry to not give up any ass to another man. My position is it can happen, but she will know that if it happened once, it has been happening from the day I met her. Others words, there is no way in hell that I'd be convinced that it started and ended at a certain time frame...and it wouldn't matter anyway. Through casual conversation, my girl knows my sentiments regarding the issue. She know that if I ever found out at any point, regardless of when it was suppose to have taken place, she is gone.
The man she coughted up some ass to, is her new husband...she better find him and make it work with him. Let him place her before all others. I do know of some guys whom I do not believe cheated on their woman. I am one. Of course I don't go around asking friends whether they cheated on their wives/woman, but a few I know don't tell me or put whatever business they may or may not be having out in the streets for their boys to hear. I have never cheated on my girl. How many men can say they've NEVER cheated? There is a difference between a man and a woman cheating... I know, I know, but there are differences. The commitment, hurt it causes, etc, are the same, but what I'm talking about goes down to the gender mind-set that are different. Without the confines of a commitment it is unnatural for a female to go around having sex, or have sex with more than one male. It isn't outside of a male's mindset to not to have sex with more than one female. There are some execptions, ie, geese, fox, and some birds species, but for the most part, females only sex one male. In general, it is his values for the commitment towards his woman that places the confinements on a male's natural behavior of wanting to or having sex with more than one female. |
|
On May 21, 2010, 7:56 pm JustAThought says:
crazy how the men wax rhapsodic about society needing to change, and yet place the majority of the responsibility of that change on women. Or advocating women being veiled (and that doesn't stop rape or sexual assualt in the Middle East, by the way). Until men decide to change because it's the right, moral, and progressive thing to do, and encourage their peers to behave better, we will still have the issue where men only behave like decent human beings when they have no options to do otherwise. Because of course it's okay to limit men to piddling children who cannot possess self control and morals.
|
|
On May 21, 2010, 11:12 pm G-Smoove says:
To whom it may concern- I do not advocate women wearing veils!!!! I used that as an example. Men behave like men!!!! Women dont behave like ladies and then we are accused of not being decent human beings! But then women holler that pussy rules the world!!! But then they cry about being oppressed by men! Which is it? Again, Im not making excuses or advocating anything! But it is high time that we stop beating up on men and women! I have learned and accepted am ugly truth about women! Most of them are looking for security first, then love!!! I dont like that but I have accepted it! So I act accordingly! I got my shit together then went and got a woman!!! Men do have to quit cheating!!! We have to accept responsability for that!!! But women need to listen better!!!!!! Start paying attention to the wrong things about men. A lot of times women could keep from putting themselves into situations where the man is cheating by just being real with themselves! Stop getting with men who are showing you signs that they are not ready!!! Stop trying to tame a man! Stop trying to train a man! Dont look at us as an animal that needs to be domesticated! Pussy does not have a magical hold on men, contrary to what some say! I mentioned those points about sisters being veiled and so on to hint at the point that women need to quit putting it all out there! Stop dressing to get a man and start dressing to respect yourself. And if you ask me if I truly believe what I am saying I will put it like this! I work in the music and film industry and have all kinds of women available to me, actresses and models!!! You know what kind of girl I am in a relationship with? A college professor with an Masters, Ed, and is a year away from a Ph D! And I am totally faithful to her!!
|
|
On May 22, 2010, 5:55 am wotubenmissn says:
Hey, hey, hey G-Smoove, some of us brothers like women to dress like they are trying to get a man! But I hear what you're saying with that point.
Hmm, between Intro bashin the ladies, and JAT bashing the men...hmmm...match made in heaven? Like most stuff, there is no quick, easy to take in fix for the situations. It's all worked out on a case by case basis, with communication being the key. What's worked for one before doesn't necessarily mean it should work again with a new person. Gotta talk it out. To add to the male bashing, hey, we must admit that we are enablers. We enable women to feel they can get by on their looks alone, and they can't discipline themselves enough to develop other traits of their personalities that men would find appealing in the long run :-p (that curveball was @ JAT, lol). |
|
On May 22, 2010, 8:03 am Dashon says:
To me the whole point of marriage was to have one person for everything the good, the bad, the ugly and the WTF.
@Crucial: Absolutely! For folks that have tha mindset, I believe (deep issues or not), that fidelity is possible in marriage or a committed relationship. Its all about choices...some choose to do so...some don't. |
 |
On May 22, 2010, 9:46 am LaTricia says:
great post @pinribbngal. There is still hope for those of you who are single and want monogamy. The thing is to not assume that marriage=monogamy because that would be a false assumption (as it has been clearly pointed out in this discussion). Like Dashon said, it's a choice. I think if people take their blinders off and understand that we are all susceptible to infidelity and have the important conversations in advance, it will eliminate some of the cheating.
I also want to caution that as unfortunate as it may be, love and commitment aren't enough. I know of a lot of loving and committed marriages that have suffered from this brutal issue. What I have found is that people do not spend enough time working on knowing themselves and they don't spend enough time getting to know their partner before, during, and after the marriage. The other thing I noticed is that it is easy to say what you will and will not do until you are actually faced with it. During my 42 years of life, I have done some things that I thought and said I would never do. The truth is that none of us have crystal balls to determine our future. There is no way to know for sure that a spouse will always be faithful, but don't let that stop you from getting married. Most people don't go into marriage with the intention to cheat. The ones who do were more than likely cheating before they got married. I don't think we can solve the cheating crisis. Infidelity has been around long before any of us and the way things look, it doesn't seem to be going any where. |
|
On May 23, 2010, 2:26 am JustAThought says:
@ wot:
You are TRULY funny. Glad I read this post workout, or else you would have been in my crosshairs. And yet, your response still falls along the meme that women are the ones who must take primary responsibility for regulating sexuality. If WOMEN just respect themselves and act like ladies, then men would never ever ever do anything disrespectful or immoral on the continuum of sexual personal interactions. Yeah right. If that were the case, women wouldn't be harassed by cat calls on the street, women would not be physically assaulted and raped SIMPLY for being WOMEN, innocent girls would not be molested, and women wouldn't be called bitches and hoes when they decline the advances/interests of men. |
|
On May 23, 2010, 2:37 am JustAThought says:
@ G Smoove: So, you bring up being veiled and Muslim countries as an example of women showing less as being some kind of solution for men acting like they are nothing more than walking penises. But then say you are not advocating veils? Ok, whatev. Especially considering that even in those societies, women are raped, women are treated like sexual possessions, and women are subject to the whims of men if they will be treated with respect and value. No amount of clothing, and no amount of ladylike behavior, will make a man view women as equals and deserving of the same level of respect if he does not hold those beliefs in his head and heart. And, to deal with your other points, they all rely on the basic premise that women need to change their behavior, and men will follow suit. And, while I agree that women are responsible for who and what they let into their lives, it is ridiculous to place the entire responsibilities of society's sexual morality on women's shoulders. As it stands now, there are no consequences (outside of children and disease, which men still blame women for) for a man being sexually indiscreet. There is no pressure - not from his family, not from his friends, and certainly not from society - for a man to regulate himself. Without men waking up and working to change the status quo, you will have abunch of hoe ass men gladly being as sexually loose and immoral as they can be, and then when they get near the end of their sexual peak deciding to let a higher quality woman regulate their sexuality for them. |
|
On May 27, 2010, 9:52 am G-Smoove says:
@JAT- Obviously you have misunderstood my point. This is not a conversation that I can explain in a blog post! If you are anyone else was offended by what I said then you are choosing to be offended and not really understanding what I am saying! For that I am sorry!!!! What I said has absolutely nothing to do with subjecting women! Period!!! I merely stated that the idea was right but the execution of that idea was way too extreme! Women should respect themselves enough to dress a bit less whore-like!!! You want to make an issue out of something that the conversation is not pointed at! Believe what you want to believe sister!!!!! All I am trying to do is give you some insight so that you dont fall into the same categories these other women fall into!!! The truth is sometimes a very ugly thing!!! I meant no disrespect so dont choose to take some!!
|
|
On May 27, 2010, 11:36 am wotubenmissn says:
JAT my response had little or nothing to do with women regulating sexuality. My response was that because some Men will allow a woman to get by on her looks when she is young, she will therefore think that she can get by on her looks with ALL men, and will subsequently NOT feel the need to develop her personality and/or other traits that would be appealing.
The other part of your statement is painting a broad picture. It is no different for a man to say, "if men would just respect themselves and act like men, then no woman would never ever ever take advantage of them, or be disrespectful toward them." The latter portion of your statement seems to be taking extreme situations, and applying them as if they are normal everyday occurrences, that go without attention. Moreover it ignores the women who've done similar things (teacher's raping little boys come to mind). |
|
On May 27, 2010, 1:11 pm Wood says:
Most people don't go into marriage with the intention to cheat. The ones who do were more than likely cheating before they got married.
Latricia: Now, I know of a few cases where as the man had all the good intentions in the world to not step out, but after a few times of his woman using her loving as a weapon, he made sure that she didn't have such leverages over him like that again. Women are emotional at times, but many seems to enjoy really putting a man in a "bind" with dangling the loving over his head. I had to warn my girl once of her not having to be all "gleeful" with me, and everything having to be all perfect all the time before we make love. I wanted to tell her to not push it... brothas are already turning it away as it is, so don't make a difficult thing much more difficult. |
|
On May 27, 2010, 2:24 pm MsValleyG says:
@G-Smoove & Wo: True. You both have added some very valid points. It's so great to see men who speak their minds freely & aren't abrupt about it... Meaning you both take the time to express your points vividly especially when miscontrued.
|
|
On May 28, 2010, 12:18 am Dashon says:
@Smoove & Wo: Gentlemen, I co-sign Ms. Valley's comment. Gotta love it!
|
 |
On July 5, 2010, 3:51 pm ExcuseMe says:
OMG...I cant beleive I am coming in so late. First off Pink aint never lied!...gotta give her props...However, [coming in so late] gave me a chance to read the responses of the never ending, Battle of the Sexes, argument. So, here is the solution:
If men really do not wish to cheat, why dont they hook up these women (no matter who makes the advance) with their single friends. I mean if you are really trying to do the right thing and stop all that got damn cheating:-) Anywho, above all things discussed, such as how society this, and history that, TAKE RESPONSIBILTY FOR YOURSELF!...... |
|
On July 5, 2010, 3:59 pm crucial63 says:
Women cheat just as often as men so stop with the men cheat like women don't.
|
 |
On July 13, 2010, 8:01 pm kmrurray says:
Pink you spoke the truth about this topic. I have a male friend who has been married three times. He loves women and for some reason, it is hard for him to commit. He has cheated on his wife; he is so bad that at his bachelor party he slept with a stripper and declared it was not cheating because he was not married.
Women do cheat as much as men, but normally it is if they scorned, allowing a friendship to go to far because of the lack of intimacy at home, or they were in love with another man from the beginning, or if she was a gold digger, and the gold has been spent. Some men cheat because of the nagging wife; some cheat because they like new vajaejae; some cheat because they place themselves in bad situations by being around someone they are attracted too; I just think cbeing faithful depends on a person, their integrity, their choices, and their wisdom. I have a good friend whose wife has been withholding the goods for months, and no matter how much women have been throwing themselves at him, he refuses to cheat. I have so much respect for him. I wish I could tell his wife, wake up because baby you really don't know what you have. |
Regarding pt 4, the level of how hard someone goes at a woman is imho, relative to what they have to offer. The less one has to offer, the harder one will go at someone.
I have a partner who prior to his marriage, rarely approached women. Women would pull him up, fairly consistently, and from a physical attraction they would be 6's and 7's, and an occassional 8. His wife is one of those 8's that pulled him up. Anyway after he got married, he started approaching women like crazy. It was a combination of things, one since he rarely did before, he didn't realize how easy it is to do it, but for him he didn't care one way or the other because he knew he had his wife back home.
Now he has "evolved" to knowing that since he knew he wasn't going to be offering much to the woman from an emotional standpoint, he figures there's no harm to his ego when told no.
Even when he was single, his approach was always to be the "marriage material guy" so he'd lie to women, make them think they were the only one, make them think that he's all about marriage until he was done getting what he wanted.