July 29th 2010
Speechless
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by msbnmd on February 10, 2010, 12:01 pm in Dating
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7 comments |
When it's time to speak your truth, will you have a voice?
After a tumultuous encounter with my lover I was charged with a serious task: "think about what it is that you want from me, and let's talk about it. Be ready to tell me what you expect, what you want, how you want to see things go between us and we'll decide together if we can compromise a solution. If we can't we'll accept that we need to just go our seperate ways and how and when we'll be friends."
This conversation is supposed to happen in the very near future...either today or tomorrow and I'm stuck. I've spent so much time focusing on what he hasn't done to make me feel secure. I have pushed for him to give more of himself, which he has, and in return, I've given more of myself. I have imagined the future but have not stopped to focus on the now. I have hidden behind ultimatums, and accused him of "not being there for me". Now, in the wake of all that fuss, he's ready to hear what it is I want, and I'm speechless.
Does this mean that as a woman it has been more convenient for me to focus on what isn't going right rather than what I want? Does it mean that I have been sitting on the sidelines of this relationship waiting for a chance to pounce on him for not saying, doing, or being what I have imagined without paying attention to what has kept me intrigued, excited, passionate, and loyal for the entire time we have been seeing each other?
I went to a place where I thought I could find the information about what I didn't like so as to attempt to decipher what I do want from him: my journal. In it, I found accounts of how he has offended my ego, resisted reading my mind, or has flat out given me the impression that he doesn't love me. I have been living in a mirage of old wounds so deeply ingrained that I haven't even spent much time assessing what the conditions for happiness would be for me. Trust me, there are pages of "ideals" in my journal, but not much there that is tangible, concrete expectations for love. So THAT'S why love has evaded me: I wouldn't know it if it slapped me in the face!
I have gotten so accustomed to adversity, challenge, and seeing my relationship glass as half empty that I have not spent significant time focusing on the conditions, experiences, and choices that would incite the feelings of security, being desired, and connection. I am just as guilty for operating in the "grey area" as any man I have accused of this. In fact, being in that grey area has allowed me to move away from learning myself and what I need in order to avoid getting to know myself. Mass, I'm hoping you're reading this....your girl could use a little challenge....lol.
So in preparation for answering the question presented to me by my lover about how we should move the state of our relationship forward I first have to find my voice. I asked for change, and now I've got it. Was I ready for it? I don't think so. But I'm not a coward, and I won't let this opportunity to search myself go by without taking full advantage of the work that needs to be done.
Where do I begin? Do I start with the things he's done in relationship to me that have kept me in this thing for the past year and a half? Do I try to locate the behaviors I think, or feel, show me that someone loves me? Am I really ready to abandon the fantasy of imagining the future and become present with the now? Can I handle speaking my truth with the full knowledge that as an adult, he can either accept or reject what I have to say?
I have enjoyed his constant presence in my life. I have relished in his openess to hearing what I feel and giving me loving and sometimes stern feedback. Our relationship has been passionate, intimate, and has made a mark on me. I respect him. I respect his vision.
I have felt that he hasn't defined my role in his life specifically enough to make me feel that I have substantial space there, at least not with me. I have feared that his future, his plans for his life, don't include me and thus will prevent me from attaining the ultimate goal: marriage and family. At times he's been too aloof. Other times he has down right told me that he isn't going to "claim" me because at this stage in his journey, what he has to do, won't allow him to comfortably make promises for fear he can't keep them.
I have dated other men while dealing with him to keep myself "grounded" and I have pretended to be flippant about what he does when I'm not with him when inside I have been dying to know. I don't ask whether he's with other women, because I can't handle his answer, because I know he'll be honest.
I have never felt for a man what I feel for him. I feel a deep desire to want him with me, wherever this world takes me.
How do I compose all of these thoughts and feelings in order to answer the question: where do we go from here? I don't exactly want things to change and I don't want things to stay the same. What is missing? Is the basis of my discomfort simply that I don't feel secure as a woman, and I am projecting that onto this relationship? If I had to ask, which I do, for what I need, how on earth do I express something that I don't entirely know?
How do I find my voice?
*Be easy, your girl is in a tiff right now, and I'm feeling vulnerable.....*
-ms.b
After a tumultuous encounter with my lover I was charged with a serious task: "think about what it is that you want from me, and let's talk about it. Be ready to tell me what you expect, what you want, how you want to see things go between us and we'll decide together if we can compromise a solution. If we can't we'll accept that we need to just go our seperate ways and how and when we'll be friends."
This conversation is supposed to happen in the very near future...either today or tomorrow and I'm stuck. I've spent so much time focusing on what he hasn't done to make me feel secure. I have pushed for him to give more of himself, which he has, and in return, I've given more of myself. I have imagined the future but have not stopped to focus on the now. I have hidden behind ultimatums, and accused him of "not being there for me". Now, in the wake of all that fuss, he's ready to hear what it is I want, and I'm speechless.
Does this mean that as a woman it has been more convenient for me to focus on what isn't going right rather than what I want? Does it mean that I have been sitting on the sidelines of this relationship waiting for a chance to pounce on him for not saying, doing, or being what I have imagined without paying attention to what has kept me intrigued, excited, passionate, and loyal for the entire time we have been seeing each other?
I went to a place where I thought I could find the information about what I didn't like so as to attempt to decipher what I do want from him: my journal. In it, I found accounts of how he has offended my ego, resisted reading my mind, or has flat out given me the impression that he doesn't love me. I have been living in a mirage of old wounds so deeply ingrained that I haven't even spent much time assessing what the conditions for happiness would be for me. Trust me, there are pages of "ideals" in my journal, but not much there that is tangible, concrete expectations for love. So THAT'S why love has evaded me: I wouldn't know it if it slapped me in the face!
I have gotten so accustomed to adversity, challenge, and seeing my relationship glass as half empty that I have not spent significant time focusing on the conditions, experiences, and choices that would incite the feelings of security, being desired, and connection. I am just as guilty for operating in the "grey area" as any man I have accused of this. In fact, being in that grey area has allowed me to move away from learning myself and what I need in order to avoid getting to know myself. Mass, I'm hoping you're reading this....your girl could use a little challenge....lol.
So in preparation for answering the question presented to me by my lover about how we should move the state of our relationship forward I first have to find my voice. I asked for change, and now I've got it. Was I ready for it? I don't think so. But I'm not a coward, and I won't let this opportunity to search myself go by without taking full advantage of the work that needs to be done.
Where do I begin? Do I start with the things he's done in relationship to me that have kept me in this thing for the past year and a half? Do I try to locate the behaviors I think, or feel, show me that someone loves me? Am I really ready to abandon the fantasy of imagining the future and become present with the now? Can I handle speaking my truth with the full knowledge that as an adult, he can either accept or reject what I have to say?
I have enjoyed his constant presence in my life. I have relished in his openess to hearing what I feel and giving me loving and sometimes stern feedback. Our relationship has been passionate, intimate, and has made a mark on me. I respect him. I respect his vision.
I have felt that he hasn't defined my role in his life specifically enough to make me feel that I have substantial space there, at least not with me. I have feared that his future, his plans for his life, don't include me and thus will prevent me from attaining the ultimate goal: marriage and family. At times he's been too aloof. Other times he has down right told me that he isn't going to "claim" me because at this stage in his journey, what he has to do, won't allow him to comfortably make promises for fear he can't keep them.
I have dated other men while dealing with him to keep myself "grounded" and I have pretended to be flippant about what he does when I'm not with him when inside I have been dying to know. I don't ask whether he's with other women, because I can't handle his answer, because I know he'll be honest.
I have never felt for a man what I feel for him. I feel a deep desire to want him with me, wherever this world takes me.
How do I compose all of these thoughts and feelings in order to answer the question: where do we go from here? I don't exactly want things to change and I don't want things to stay the same. What is missing? Is the basis of my discomfort simply that I don't feel secure as a woman, and I am projecting that onto this relationship? If I had to ask, which I do, for what I need, how on earth do I express something that I don't entirely know?
How do I find my voice?
*Be easy, your girl is in a tiff right now, and I'm feeling vulnerable.....*
-ms.b
Join the conversation, add your comment7 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On February 10, 2010, 1:18 pm Wood says:
MSCBS...lol, I was glancing at this blog, and I was also saying to myself that you are a great writer, but I could not find a central focus of what you want or where you are in your relationships. Hell, I couldn't determine whether you were even in one. You are all over the place...lol. I'm left wondering how could you be at this point of being "speechless" with this person in this "relationship", but this person is suppose to help you out with this tremendous goal of having a child. Maybe I'm a tad slow, but I would think the speechless part would have already been resolved before the part about helping you achieve your "goal".
Or maybe that was with another guy... |
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On February 11, 2010, 9:21 am msbnmd says:
@Mass & Wood: I think my intention when I write is to spill out of me the intense emotion that I'm feeling at the time. I can be very articulate and fully evaluate a subject or an experience but part of my process is to write it, and then let it go.
But each of you has recognized something even my partners both past and present have addressed with me: you're all over the place! One day you say you want this....and another day you say you want that.....I can't keep up! I guess one of the occupational hazards of being a teacher, thinker, and writer is that I am on a constant quest for answers but when I arrive at them, I always seem to have more questions. My feelings are vast, and they range; this is what it means to be human. If you're wondering there are many aspects of my character that are quite constant: I live a simple life, I have the same friends, and in many cases, I have been a constant to the man in my life. He knows how I feel about him, where I stand, and what I'm willing to give. My thoughts can be all over the place but my actions are always consistent. Does it make a man confused that I "talk" about a lot of different wants, and desires even when my actions are constant? Sure, I "think" a lot of things, but what I do, is by far the biggest message I send to men. In these posts, I am "figuring out" what all the thoughts in my mind mean; sometimes they mean nothing, at other times they are driving forces in how I make decisions. Haven't men learned this is the way women are? We have to discuss and analyze (with an other) the elements of our existence in order to fully comprehend. Sometimes we aren't trying to fix anything as much as we are evaluating its existence. Has the back and forth of a womans thoughts ever had you feeling like you couldn't "believe" or "trust" where she was coming from? |
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On February 11, 2010, 9:34 am msbnmd says:
@ Wood: You're not slow...in fact you raise a very good point. How is it that I am going to ask a man to help me to achieve my dream if at first I am feeling speechless?
I don't know the answer. At all. And yes, the situations you have heard me discuss on this very site for the last year and a half have been about the same man. I have dated other men in order to keep myself "grounded" but my heart has been with him. Whenever you've read me trying to I love him. Deeply. Yet, when I find myself in a situation that might threaten that love my mind goes into protection mode and I start trying to figure out ways to avoid the pain of losing a man I deeply love. As I look back on previous blogs I have written I know that I have struggled with this man telling me: you're the one, I love you, and I want to be with you. I think with everything else, there was just that one piece missing: he hadn't claimed me. I wanted him to possess me. Point blank. I didn't want to wonder, and when he didn't....I continued to wonder..... |
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On February 11, 2010, 9:39 am MassAppeal says:
@MsB
Thanks again for the additioal information behind your thoughts and meaning behind the blogs. I appreciate the honesty and candor. Do you think at times you may over analyze what your looking for? It sounds as if you have trust in yourself and in the actions exhibited towards your man. At the end of the day when you begin to gain the answers to all these questions what would "success" look for you when it comes to dating and relationships? How would you measure what would make you happy and content with the mindset you're feverishly seeking? |
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On February 11, 2010, 9:54 am msbnmd says:
@Mass: OKAY! (In my lil Jon voice). I think my analyzing is a protective measure....for sure.
Success would look like the man I am with right now, pledging his love to me and all those that matter to him in his life. I would be happy if I didn't have to feel so "insecure" about his feelings and intentions. The man I am talking about in particular has been honest almost to a degree where I couldn't handle the feelings that erupted from his honesty. I would measure what would make me happy and content by consistent evidence that this man is keeping my life, safety, and dreams a priority to him. It would look like him negotiating with me and attempting to reach a fair conclusion that benefits both of us. It would look like him being willing to sacrifice for me, the way I'm willing to sacrifice for him. Listen: I had a boyfriend in my early twenties that told me on the second date: "You're mine. I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you happy. I believe it's my job to care for you." And he never waivered from that. Why didn't it work out? Well, I had some things I needed to do (go to school, start a career) that took me away from him and he couldn't stay out of jail. Ultimately, life got in the way. But to be honest, to this day we are close friends with a deep connection because one thing I never worried about was how he felt about me. I never had to wonder....and that, kept my over-analyzing mind in check! |
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On February 11, 2010, 10:14 am MassAppeal says:
@MsB
Now I'm starting to feel where you're coming from with your thoughts and experiences. With this current boyfriend and for him to be positioned to have your heart wholeheartedly ( I know right..nice wordplay) He had to have shown some consistency to even be in this conversation after a full yr and some change. Is it true that men fall in love with what they see (your actions) and women fall in love with what they hear (a verbal committment for ensurance)? You might need to go back and read my blog "Do I love You.. Are you Serious? For some men it's hard for them to say what they mean and mean what they say ( huh MsB?). That's always been my problem. Maybe he has the same issues..just sayin. |
I thoroughly enjoy reading your blogs and I think you're a good writer but do all of them tie together at all? First you write about being a pessimist, then you proceed to write about men not being able to support your dreams now your the latest blog is about you being speechless. I try to comment on each of your blogs but you leave us hanging and quickly change directions without getting full clarity on your most recent thoughts. Is this part of the process of you finding your own voice? If so then I fully understand if your in the middle of doing some self introspective trying to find your way.