September 4th 2010
Insufficient Funds
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by msbnmd on February 8, 2010, 1:41 pm in Dating
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9 comments |
Recently I talked with a friend of mine that is a fertility nurse and inquired about some treatments for fertility that I may have to utilize because of some of my reproductive issues. What I have spent nearly ten years fearing, I finally got the courage to ask about. I found out that my health concern is relatively popular and treatable. In fact, she was so encouraging she inspired me. She gave me a hope that I could realize my dream of one day having children, when I previously feared this would not be an option for me. A peace came upon me, and suddenly the fear disapated, I had options, hope, and could see my future as a mother more clearly. My dreams could finally be realized.
I have dated many men who have had dreams of their own. Virtually every man that I have met has had a "goal, vision, or plan" for what he was going to do with the next couple of years. Quite often, these were goals that I respected: one wanted to finish a degree, while another wanted to start a business, and another wanted to re-locate to be closer to his oldest child. Just like the ever supportive partner, I put my own goals and dreams aside and asked the veritable and noble question: "how can I help?"
My experience has been that most men won't come out and say "I want you to do this, or your job is to do that" when it comes to their personal goals and plans. However, since we all know, no-one gets anywhere by themselves, they slowly give their woman "things to do" that eventually will contribute to the progression of their goals. Or if they aren't mature enough to flat out ask for the help they need, they will simply announce an issue, ask for the feedback, and when extended to them, accept the help being offerred. This is not uncommon nor do I think it is a necessarily "bad" trait or behavior, it's simple what people do to get by in relationships, keep a sense of personal identity, and establish inter-dependance.
But what happens when one person is continually withdrawing from the account of the relationship to meet certain goals or complete projects and another is excluded? How does a person say to another: "you have emptied out the account here, and there is nothing left for you"? Surely, in the name of love, these accounts are not supposed to every go in the red, but often times they do.
I started this blog because I am ready to go on the journey towards creating a family of my own. Sure, there will be some that read these words and think "come on ms. b, you have to meet the right person, fall in love, establish yourselves, and then think about having children". But see for me it isn't that simple. This health issue that I am facing means that having children won't simple be a night of love making for me. It won't just be an "accident" that happens. It will have to be a goal, a dream, a plan, a vision, an effort, a commitment, that will have to be made between me and someone who wants to see me happy. That's it. It won't be because I have "good hair" or after a night of love making he fell asleep in me and then poof! junior arrived. No, it will have to be with a person who has withdrawn from the relationship account and who is also ready to deposit into it.
The problem I face today is that many of the men I deal with are focused, determined, and ready to manifest their goals and dreams but who have not the slightest desire to assist me with this dream. Sure, they may be intimidated with the fact that along with my dream will come a lifetime of emotional ups and downs, financial commitments, and potential struggles they can't control. But doesn't every life choice have those risks?
In the wake of this new revelation that I can have what I want, I am ready to test each man that says he loves me. Which of them love me enough to help me pursue my dream of motherhood? Which of these men will acknowledge that I have deposited time, money, effort, and bit my tongue to help them achieve their goals and as a result reciprocate that gift to me? Or which of these men, when I ask for their support will tell me that he has insufficient funds in his love account?
I ask you, have we, as a society, gotten so engulfed in trying to enlarge the man that we have expected women to sacrifice their goals? Surely, we already understand that men and women have seperate goals. So, if his goals are to conquer, establish, and create security, and we agree that it is important to support that. Why don't we also accpet that many women want to connect, commune, reproduce, and become established and support that too?
I tell you, from where I'm sitting, many women have been duped! We've been told to support the man and his plans, while we have to sneak, manipulate, or coerce him into supporting ours. Give me a break! Today, relationships don't suffer from simply a lack of communication:
Many Brothers just have insufficient funds!
-ms.b
I have dated many men who have had dreams of their own. Virtually every man that I have met has had a "goal, vision, or plan" for what he was going to do with the next couple of years. Quite often, these were goals that I respected: one wanted to finish a degree, while another wanted to start a business, and another wanted to re-locate to be closer to his oldest child. Just like the ever supportive partner, I put my own goals and dreams aside and asked the veritable and noble question: "how can I help?"
My experience has been that most men won't come out and say "I want you to do this, or your job is to do that" when it comes to their personal goals and plans. However, since we all know, no-one gets anywhere by themselves, they slowly give their woman "things to do" that eventually will contribute to the progression of their goals. Or if they aren't mature enough to flat out ask for the help they need, they will simply announce an issue, ask for the feedback, and when extended to them, accept the help being offerred. This is not uncommon nor do I think it is a necessarily "bad" trait or behavior, it's simple what people do to get by in relationships, keep a sense of personal identity, and establish inter-dependance.
But what happens when one person is continually withdrawing from the account of the relationship to meet certain goals or complete projects and another is excluded? How does a person say to another: "you have emptied out the account here, and there is nothing left for you"? Surely, in the name of love, these accounts are not supposed to every go in the red, but often times they do.
I started this blog because I am ready to go on the journey towards creating a family of my own. Sure, there will be some that read these words and think "come on ms. b, you have to meet the right person, fall in love, establish yourselves, and then think about having children". But see for me it isn't that simple. This health issue that I am facing means that having children won't simple be a night of love making for me. It won't just be an "accident" that happens. It will have to be a goal, a dream, a plan, a vision, an effort, a commitment, that will have to be made between me and someone who wants to see me happy. That's it. It won't be because I have "good hair" or after a night of love making he fell asleep in me and then poof! junior arrived. No, it will have to be with a person who has withdrawn from the relationship account and who is also ready to deposit into it.
The problem I face today is that many of the men I deal with are focused, determined, and ready to manifest their goals and dreams but who have not the slightest desire to assist me with this dream. Sure, they may be intimidated with the fact that along with my dream will come a lifetime of emotional ups and downs, financial commitments, and potential struggles they can't control. But doesn't every life choice have those risks?
In the wake of this new revelation that I can have what I want, I am ready to test each man that says he loves me. Which of them love me enough to help me pursue my dream of motherhood? Which of these men will acknowledge that I have deposited time, money, effort, and bit my tongue to help them achieve their goals and as a result reciprocate that gift to me? Or which of these men, when I ask for their support will tell me that he has insufficient funds in his love account?
I ask you, have we, as a society, gotten so engulfed in trying to enlarge the man that we have expected women to sacrifice their goals? Surely, we already understand that men and women have seperate goals. So, if his goals are to conquer, establish, and create security, and we agree that it is important to support that. Why don't we also accpet that many women want to connect, commune, reproduce, and become established and support that too?
I tell you, from where I'm sitting, many women have been duped! We've been told to support the man and his plans, while we have to sneak, manipulate, or coerce him into supporting ours. Give me a break! Today, relationships don't suffer from simply a lack of communication:
Many Brothers just have insufficient funds!
-ms.b
Join the conversation, add your comment9 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On February 8, 2010, 3:24 pm msbnmd says:
@Wood: I respectfully disagree.
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On February 8, 2010, 4:31 pm MassAppeal says:
@MsBnMD
After reading this I would have to agree with Wood. IMO...based on what you've written, it appears as if you want a man to submit to these dreams, goals and aspirations...on your terms and on your own time table. Last time I checked successful women that I know aren't waiting for men to accomplish their dreams & goals..with or without a black men. I don't see the 56% of happily married black women saying they've been duped. There are plenty of mature brothers who support their women, make the required "deposits" you seek... maybe you just have yet to find the right one but again how could you if your last blog was about you being a pessimistic about finding love. Last time I checked the bank needs to be open for that ONE, that brother.. to make a deposit. |
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On February 8, 2010, 4:46 pm msbnmd says:
@Mass: I hear you. I'm open, jaded a little? maybe. that's a true confession. But I think the major theme in this blog is about the fact that there have been several men that I have shared this need with and not a one has stepped up yet. Which I think contributes to the pessimism. I try to explain my dream to the men I've been intimately involved with and each of them was more concerned with their own lives and goals than mine.
What's that you say? Why didn't I just bounce? That's a good question, and I think as I reflect on this issue of not getting my needs met I have to take just as much responsibility as I am giving. The right thing to do would have been to not give into their dreams and attempting to make them a reality if they weren't going to do the same for me. So the bank is open, it's just to get a loan outta me, you gotta have some real assets. The ones that count: loyalty, respect, and strength. I'll need those things in order to conquer this particular challenge in my life.... thanks for gettin' me thinking...you're always good for that! |
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On February 8, 2010, 4:57 pm MassAppeal says:
@MsBnMd
Thanks for further explaining your point of view..much appreciated. May I ask you at one point (time frame) in these relationships do you begin to talk about dreams and aspirations? In my response to JAT's recent blog I mentioned that men bring intagible assets (like mental support) to relationships that be under appreciated to some because according to JAT many women feel those aren't important factors if we're looking at who's bringing what to a relationship? Perhaps these men are so pressured to be focused career wise to position themselves as the bread winner of the family (or relationship) in order to be considered the head of the houeshold that those things you need and desire have gone overlooked? |
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On February 8, 2010, 5:24 pm Dashon says:
MsB: First and foremost...congratulations on the news that motherhood is within your reach. I can't say that I understand how women who are unable to reproduce must feel, but I can understand wanting something so bad that it hurts.
I can co-sign the emotional bank account metaphor (made famous by Stephen R. Covey), and agree that making withdrawals without also making regular deposits, the account will end up with insufficient funds, however you're asking for a considerable deposit...one that has life-long returns or reprecussions --for you, him and the child that's produced. Parenthood is not easy, and for many people (men & women) the decision to become a parent is not easy either. Trust that a man that loves you (with or without the ability to bear a child) will come into your life, and be more than willing to make that umm....deposit. As for those who aren't willing to do that for you...I say kudos to them for being mature enough to realize that they can't afford to make such a large deposit, rather than make it....only to close the account out after the child is born because they can't maintain the minimum balance....ya feel me? |
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On February 8, 2010, 5:30 pm IntroSpectiv says:
You know....I have the 'funds', just nobody to 'share' them with. Every attempt I make at diversifying my 'portfolio' is met with fierce opposition or a straight-up lack of 'interest'. (Get it.....interest? Double meaning there...ah, never mind.)
So I keep my 'spending' limited to myself and myself only. *Awarding myself three points for clever wordplay in my post* |
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On February 11, 2010, 10:35 pm JustAThought says:
@ Mass:
Just to clarify, my point of my last blog was not to say that mens' other assets, besides the financial ones, are overlooked. I questioned how those assets are evaluated, expressed, and experienced. I also wondered if the current patriarchal model of the household was the best for black relationships. |
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On February 17, 2010, 11:03 pm crucial63 says:
I have to say that since I have been in the dating age I have been a man with goals, purpose and driven just like you have stated I just dont know any other way to be. I have meet women who wanted to do things but couldnt and wanted me to help her do whatever, problem is I never needed and or asked for their help in doing my thing.
I see part of the issue is that you may (not that you do) want him to re direct so you can come full circle and that may be a problem for most men, as it would be for me. As a man I have been taught to stand on my own which I do and I seriously want a woman who can stand on her own and we meet in the middle. What you should do and this is just my opinion is find a man and the two of you make a three part plan. Your plan, his plan and a plan that is mutually agreed upon as OUR plan then try and finance all of them but remember your plan is on you, his plan is on him and the OUR plan is on the two of you. The trick here is that you have to agree on the time table for each plan. It's not easy at all but worth the effort of planning which will tell you where you stand. |
The brothas seems to have plenty of "funds" in their account, but for what you are asking, it should come from a willing and eager participant, or a husband.