MSCBN... I don't know what types of "deposits" that you've made into these account in a GF/BF or FWB relationships, but I feel that you are unreasonable in your expected return.

The brothas seems to have plenty of "funds" in their account, but for what you are asking, it should come from a willing and eager participant, or a husband.

@Wood: I respectfully disagree.

@MsBnMD

After reading this I would have to agree with Wood. IMO...based on what you've written, it appears as if you want a man to submit to these dreams, goals and aspirations...on your terms and on your own time table. Last time I checked successful women that I know aren't waiting for men to accomplish their dreams & goals..with or without a black men. I don't see the 56% of happily married black women saying they've been duped. There are plenty of mature brothers who support their women, make the required "deposits" you seek... maybe you just have yet to find the right one but again how could you if your last blog was about you being a pessimistic about finding love. Last time I checked the bank needs to be open for that ONE, that brother.. to make a deposit.  

@Mass: I hear you. I'm open, jaded a little? maybe. that's a true confession. But I think the major theme in this blog is about the fact that there have been several men that I have shared this need with and not a one has stepped up yet. Which I think contributes to the pessimism. I try to explain my dream to the men I've been intimately involved with and each of them was more concerned with their own lives and goals than mine.

What's that you say? Why didn't I just bounce? That's a good question, and I think as I reflect on this issue of not getting my needs met I have to take just as much responsibility as I am giving. The right thing to do would have been to not give into their dreams and attempting to make them a reality if they weren't going to do the same for me.

So the bank is open, it's just to get a loan outta me, you gotta have some real assets. The ones that count: loyalty, respect, and strength. I'll need those things in order to conquer this particular challenge in my life....

thanks for gettin' me thinking...you're always good for that!

@MsBnMd

Thanks for further explaining your point of view..much appreciated. May I ask you at one point (time frame) in these relationships do you begin to talk about dreams and aspirations?

In my response to JAT's recent blog I mentioned that men bring intagible assets (like mental support) to relationships that be under appreciated to some because according to JAT many women feel those aren't important factors if we're looking at who's bringing what to a relationship? Perhaps these men are so pressured to be focused career wise to position themselves as the bread winner of the family (or relationship) in order to be considered the head of the houeshold that those things you need and desire have gone overlooked?

MsB:  First and foremost...congratulations on the news that motherhood is within your reach.  I can't say that I understand how women who are unable to reproduce must feel, but I can understand wanting something so bad that it hurts.

I can co-sign the emotional bank account metaphor (made famous by Stephen R. Covey), and agree that making withdrawals without also making regular deposits, the account will end up with insufficient funds, however you're asking for a considerable deposit...one that has life-long returns or reprecussions --for you, him and the child that's produced. 

Parenthood is not easy, and for many people (men & women) the decision to become a parent is not easy either.  Trust that a man that loves you (with or without the ability to bear a child) will come into your life, and be more than willing to make that umm....deposit.

As for those who aren't willing to do that for you...I say kudos to them for being mature enough to realize that they can't afford to make such a large deposit, rather than make it....only to close the account out after the child is born because they can't maintain the minimum balance....ya feel me?

You know....I have the 'funds', just nobody to 'share' them with. Every attempt I make at diversifying my 'portfolio' is met with fierce opposition or a straight-up lack of 'interest'. (Get it.....interest? Double meaning there...ah, never mind.)

So I keep my 'spending' limited to myself and myself only.

*Awarding myself three points for clever wordplay in my post*

@ Mass:

Just to clarify, my point of my last blog was not to say that mens' other assets, besides the financial ones, are overlooked.  I questioned how those assets are evaluated, expressed, and experienced.  I also wondered if the current patriarchal model of the household was the best for black relationships.

I have to say that since I have been in the dating age I have been a man with goals, purpose and driven just like you have stated I just dont know any other way to be. I have meet women who wanted to do things but couldnt and wanted me to help her do whatever, problem is I never needed and or asked for their help in doing my thing.

I see part of the issue is that you may (not that you do) want him to re direct so you can come full circle and that may be a problem for most men, as it would be for me.

As a man I have been taught to stand on my own which I do and I seriously want a woman who can stand on her own and we meet in the middle.

What you should do and this is just my opinion is find a man and the two of you make a three part plan. Your plan, his plan and a plan that is mutually agreed upon as OUR plan then try and finance all of them but remember your plan is on you, his plan is on him and the OUR plan is on the two of you. The trick here is that you have to agree on the time table for each plan.

It's not easy at all but worth the effort of planning which will tell you where you stand.