September 8th 2010
He's Not the Same.....But I'm Still in Pain!
 |
by msbnmd on March 29, 2010, 11:19 am in The Breakup / The Ex
|
15 comments |
I'm taking a break from my "intellectual analysis" of things and need some feedback, encouragement, or whatever today....this is one of those blogs that comes straight from the heart.....
In the recent past, I ended a relationship, or was it ended with me? Anyway, a relationship that I was in ended and I have so many feelings about what happened. Let me first say that it was an exciting ride of passion, wild experiments (take that however you wish) and friendship. There was too, explosive remarks, defensive behavior, and resistance. We ended our year and a half long 'relationship' without ever having an official title (I often referred to him as my 'lover' to friends and even here on the HILL) and when it is all said and done, I'm left feeling a little disheveled.
I caught a glimpse of him (I won't say how) and noticed how different he seems. Even, shall I say, happier since we parted ways two months ago. Am I selfish to say that this enrages me?!? While he is off improving his life - working out more - going on vacations and the such, I'm stuck. Seemingly in the same place I was, when it all fell apart.
I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel like he used me up when the getting was good and took off when the ride came to a halt. I called his bluff when he asked me what I wanted from him and said a "relationship" and he ditched me shortly after.
When I think about how he's "moved on" and only left dust in his tracks I feel sad. I have swung the pendullum back and forth from seething anger to detachment and back again. Still, his "changes" infuriate me! Is it because I'm stuck? And if so, why can't I move on?
The other night I had an insane dream with him in it where I tried multiple times to injur him, argue with him, and make him know what I was feeling. I realize this is nothing more than surpressed feelings of anger and hurt come out in my unconscious. And although I know that anger is a part of the grieving process I feel compelled for and as though I have a right to - answers! How could he engage in a relationship with me for the period of time that he did and just step off like that? How could he, after receiving my love, adoration, and attention just walk away at the first sign of responsibility? Now that he's 'moved on' begun improving his life (or so it appears) what am I to make of the mess he left my heart in?
How dare he? How dare he interrupt my life, my happiness like this? Sure, some might say that he only has the power I give him - to them I say: "Have You Ever Tried Sleeping with a Broken Heart?"
It may take time, but dammit! How long? And how come he isn't affected? Did he just pimp me? I guess I'll never know what he is thinking because he enjoys the power of being "detached" but I am seetihing with regret, anger, hurt, and at times great saddness.
I propose a new ammendment to dating: whatever you do, whatever you say in a relationship will come at a price - a sort of emotional prenuptual without the nuptuals - do you think that people would behave the way I described if they knew there would be a price to pay? What if, when a relationship ended you were charged a fee depending on the emotional hurt you caused another? Would we all be so flippant about the things we say, do, and cause in another person's life?
While he is 'changing' slowly becoming less of the person I knew, I feel stuck. And for that, I am angry. Perhaps if I had of treated him the way he treated me he would understand why I am having a hard time moving forward and the anger I feel that he is casually moving on.
Like I said...this isn't an intellectual analysis...this comes straight from a broken heart....
-ms.b
In the recent past, I ended a relationship, or was it ended with me? Anyway, a relationship that I was in ended and I have so many feelings about what happened. Let me first say that it was an exciting ride of passion, wild experiments (take that however you wish) and friendship. There was too, explosive remarks, defensive behavior, and resistance. We ended our year and a half long 'relationship' without ever having an official title (I often referred to him as my 'lover' to friends and even here on the HILL) and when it is all said and done, I'm left feeling a little disheveled.
I caught a glimpse of him (I won't say how) and noticed how different he seems. Even, shall I say, happier since we parted ways two months ago. Am I selfish to say that this enrages me?!? While he is off improving his life - working out more - going on vacations and the such, I'm stuck. Seemingly in the same place I was, when it all fell apart.
I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel like he used me up when the getting was good and took off when the ride came to a halt. I called his bluff when he asked me what I wanted from him and said a "relationship" and he ditched me shortly after.
When I think about how he's "moved on" and only left dust in his tracks I feel sad. I have swung the pendullum back and forth from seething anger to detachment and back again. Still, his "changes" infuriate me! Is it because I'm stuck? And if so, why can't I move on?
The other night I had an insane dream with him in it where I tried multiple times to injur him, argue with him, and make him know what I was feeling. I realize this is nothing more than surpressed feelings of anger and hurt come out in my unconscious. And although I know that anger is a part of the grieving process I feel compelled for and as though I have a right to - answers! How could he engage in a relationship with me for the period of time that he did and just step off like that? How could he, after receiving my love, adoration, and attention just walk away at the first sign of responsibility? Now that he's 'moved on' begun improving his life (or so it appears) what am I to make of the mess he left my heart in?
How dare he? How dare he interrupt my life, my happiness like this? Sure, some might say that he only has the power I give him - to them I say: "Have You Ever Tried Sleeping with a Broken Heart?"
It may take time, but dammit! How long? And how come he isn't affected? Did he just pimp me? I guess I'll never know what he is thinking because he enjoys the power of being "detached" but I am seetihing with regret, anger, hurt, and at times great saddness.
I propose a new ammendment to dating: whatever you do, whatever you say in a relationship will come at a price - a sort of emotional prenuptual without the nuptuals - do you think that people would behave the way I described if they knew there would be a price to pay? What if, when a relationship ended you were charged a fee depending on the emotional hurt you caused another? Would we all be so flippant about the things we say, do, and cause in another person's life?
While he is 'changing' slowly becoming less of the person I knew, I feel stuck. And for that, I am angry. Perhaps if I had of treated him the way he treated me he would understand why I am having a hard time moving forward and the anger I feel that he is casually moving on.
Like I said...this isn't an intellectual analysis...this comes straight from a broken heart....
-ms.b
Join the conversation, add your comment15 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
 |
On March 29, 2010, 12:26 pm msbnmd says:
@Mass: So am I supposed to 'care' about his seemingly evloving life? I need clarity...I might be a little special ed. when it comes to this. I think what you are suggesting is that I might be able to ease the pain I'm feeling if I focus on caring about others, or him, rather than feeling stuck? Did I get that right?
|
 |
On March 29, 2010, 12:30 pm MassAppeal says:
Msb
Not at all. It's as if people who care the least has the most power and have the least to lose but personally you have to take the higher road, do you and still care if your interest in this man was genuine from the start. |
 |
On March 29, 2010, 12:38 pm loveless says:
OK I sorta understand how you are feeling. See since my husband left me all I ever heard was that if he had an affair, that it will not last. He will cheat on her too. Nope not the case. Every time I see him he look better than I remember. He drive a better car and smell better. Sure maybe its me looking at things from the outside but I somehow wanted him to fail. I wanted his business to fail and his relationship. After years I really needed to pray and ask for forgiveness because I was the one suffering wishing that he would. It seem like whatever he does, it blows up major and I really, really resent him for this. He is always in a paper or magazine saying did you see what they said about me. I want to scream WHO CARES! Why is his life flourishing when mine seems to be in shambles. See if I go somewhere and he is there with his wife and im with a date, he'll be childish and say I see you are here with your substitute or how long will this last. I see you are wearing the dress I bought you. I dont make a scene but he know what buttons to push.
|
|
On March 29, 2010, 12:43 pm msbnmd says:
Oh okay...I see, makes sense. Good Advice....thanks Mass....I think what you're saying is generally how I operate. I tend to only deal with people who I genuinely have interest in. What, in your opinion, would be the higher road?
And to your point regarding the scales of power and how they affect the way in which people deal with one another...I think this sentiment is absolutely true. However, how are we ever to be able to relate to someone, anyone, if are focus is one the power differential rather than relating to the person organically? This question is purely for conversation sake....I don't suspect you subscribe to this behavior, but I won't assume, do you? Have you ever "faked" to care less about a woman just so you could stay in control over the situation? I'm wondering if you have, how that worked for you? Have you heard people say things that confirm that to some being the person in power (because they care less) is more comfortable then really engaging their feelings for someone else? I've often wondered about that..... oh yeah, and thanks for the empathy....you know a sistah be gettin' tore up over this guy and how things went between us..... |
|
On March 29, 2010, 12:47 pm msbnmd says:
@Loveless: OUCH!!! I can't imagine how infuriating that must be!!!!! Goodness! I'm glad you're feeling me on this one....it does sting to see someone who didn't do right by you, move on and do 'seemingly' well while in their wake there is nothing but destruction left in our lives.
So tell me, I hear you on the forgiveness piece, and to be honest, I'm not there yet. But how else do you get over something like that? What have you done, or continue to do in order to not let what happened continue to re-injure your heart? I appreciate your feedback....life has definitely afforded you some wisdom! |
|
On March 29, 2010, 1:11 pm loveless says:
See I dont know if im all there on this forgiveness thing either. Im a work in progress. Actually 911 changed my mind. I had a friend who worked in the twin towers but came home on sept 10th cause it was his birthday, only to return and the bridge collapsed on him a year later. He died instantly. I realized that life was too precious to hold on to so much animosity. I realized that I could be gone at any moment and God would not let me in heaven because I had so much hate in my heart. So I wrote my ex and his wife a letter, explaining how I felt and apologized. But every now and then I still feel the hurt. The children dont come home anymore telling me about some trip they have planned. I guess with years the pain gradually leave, But even till this day I just never let another man get close to me. I date and we do many things together but if I catch myself falling for him, i'll break it off. If I see he is falling for me, again I'll leave. See I really havent let it all go yet.
|
|
On March 29, 2010, 1:33 pm msbnmd says:
@Loveless: Your honesty speaks volumes to the journey that healing requires from us!
With all do respect...where you are...is exactly where I DON'T want to be and I fear it is an inevitable place that most women find themselves in after the betrayal that abandonement and infidelity cause them. Is that our destiny? To try love and when it fails to live a life of constant protection - fearing men and attempting to protect ourselves even when it could be in our benefit to 'trust' again? In some ways it makes me return to what the Elders were telling us when we were young about abstinence, and avoiding 'serious relationships' until we'd met someone that was 'worthy' of our love. In some ways I think hidden in this wisdom was not just the indoctrination of chastity but a protective measure for our hearts. Maybe they knew that a woman's heart can't take but so much disappointment and if it does, eventually it will close permanently. What do you think? Did I go to far? LOL....I tend to do that..... ms.b |
 |
On March 29, 2010, 1:58 pm wotubenmissn says:
Ms. B, I know that it is a difficult situation, and we've all been there, but isn't an alternative way of looking at this that he's allowing YOU to get what you ultimately want? At some point in your "situation" you wanted more out of it. Who knows what could happen in the next few months, it's only been 2. R u doing u in the meantime? It sounds like u'r worrying about the wrong things. He seems 2 b trying 2 get himself 2gether, so 4 ur own peace of mind, u may want 2 try the same thing. I'm sure Wood is gonna come on in a sec talmbout some, "I know what u need..." lol.
Personally, 1.5 years of undefined status signals to me that he wasn't trying to have a status. So yes, u may have gotten "pimped." By the same token, u weren't doing anything u didn't want to do while u were doing it. So it is only a pimping if u let it be defined that way. Not every relationship is going to work out. So u were going with the flow until u couldn't take that anymore, nothing wrong with that. Just recognize that there's always a risk when u introduce change. Nothing wrong with that either. Just have to hope for the best. At 1 pt a female friend of mine stated that a rule of thumb is that it takes half the time u were involved with that person to get over them. Just a guideline and it is not straight line applied. Sorry I couldn't be much help in this dept., I just know that an attractive quality about a woman is when she has things she's into outside of a relationship (and can balance those things), so while ur doing those things he may crawl his stankin behind back to u...or some1 else will. Maybe he's working out and vacationing to take his mind off u? |
|
On March 29, 2010, 2:05 pm loveless says:
You guys on FLAGER really make a person open up. lol its all good though. I think the elders did have a valid point. I really dont think the heart was made to accept rejections. Its so fragile. Well im not an expert on relationships but my heart is not completely closed. Its just open enough for someone with sincerity and closed for someone with B.S. Im not taking anymore hostages. I think I want to give my heart to a man while its still wounded and dripping with blood and if he can mend it w/o causing more injury then I will know immediately, he's the one. I can only speak for myself. I dont know your story and everybody have a different one but LOVE will find a way to penetrate your heart when you least expect it. You are beautiful so men are going to be physically attracted to you naturally. You are smart and educated so there you have other things working in your favor. Whatever your goals are with love its attainable because you are still living. Where there is life, believe me, there is love.
|
|
On March 29, 2010, 3:14 pm msbnmd says:
@Loveless: *With every strand I become more endeared to you*
I think I want to give my heart to a man while its still wounded and dripping with blood and if he can mend it w/o causing more injury then I will know immediately, he's the one. I have had the experience of this before - my ex from another relationship came into a relationship with me knowing I was bruised from the previous relationship and sure, he healed me. And then, wounded me in another way. What I realized was that as long as I was 'wounded' he felt a sense of purpose, but when I was 'healthier' he felt like I didn't need him anymore. So then, we were strangers...... Thanks for all the compliments! I appreciate them! @WO: First of all...can you clarify your name for me? LOL... But second...your advice is on point! I'm gonna hold on to some of those tokens you dropped through days like today....I think it is real the way you pointed out that my assumptions about how his happiness is a reflection of my assumptions...and I don't really have enough information to decide what he's really up to.....I didn't consider that... And yes, I do have quite a bit going on in my life...in fact one of the reasons that this situation has had the impact it has had on me is because I look around at the other things in my life and feel there is much happiness, and this situation still baffles me.... thanks again for your thoughts.... ms.b |
 |
On March 29, 2010, 3:31 pm Wood says:
Man, MSCNN, you sound like a few of my ex GFs. MSCBS, that is how many of us brothas run our game. You spent a lot of time looking to save a relationship that was DOA. At least I have always been nice about it with giving an empty GF title, but I've seen some very smart and intelligent sistas come across a brotha who they thought was just the type of brotha that they have been looking for, only to get sucked in and found themselves slipping and sliding to get out of a bad romantic situation. You got caught in the ole Romantic Loop-hole and couldn't get out.
This is the part that the Sista-hood never saw coming or figured out. When all the "fun" and carefree "single" times are concluding as they approach their thirties and all those serious thoughts of really finding somebody to "keep it" takes hold...the games starts to runs pretty deep. Time...sistas don't want to spend what is now "precious" time in situations that were the best moments just a few years ago. They want to "reset" the game and feel that the brothas should do what wasn't required previously to be with you; that is to take relationships more seriously and be more up front with you. The dating and romantic climate has already been deeply instilled and ingrained into the protocals of many in the brotha-hood. The sistas reaches this point and want to kick the brotha-hood off the "tit", the same tit that both of sistas and brothas had tons of fun with. All the fun of everybody keeping free and "single", but having someone hidden to cratch the itch will come home to roast at some point... it is here. Isn't it funny how when you want to get serious doing the same things you always done, it seems like dating just got really hard. What happened to those "easy and breezy" times of the twenties. The men are still there, and are still holloring, but there seems to be a limit that wasn't explored years ago. |
|
On March 29, 2010, 3:44 pm MassAppeal says:
@MsB
You ask what's considered taking the higher road? It's about taking care of your needs first and not letting this guy consume you mentally (if that's the case). That's giving him too much power whether he knows it or not but you do. I feel we should be open and transparent in relationships but love shouldn't be based on when someone is weak or dependent on another for their happiness. You deserve better. Take the higher road by forgiving, letting go, take the lessons learned with you and realize this situation has ran it's course. |
|
On March 29, 2010, 9:25 pm msbnmd says:
@Wood: I needed to marinate on your words and read your post twice to understand what you were sayin'.....for real? You came with the truth....I think you are right on target with what you are saying regarding sistahs realizing as we hit our thirties that the "easy, breezy, twenties" are a thing of the past and we yearn for greater connections....IS that what you were saying? If so, I think you're absolutely correct that I got caught up trying to "easy and breezy" when I really wanted and needed more....so what's a girl to do? I know you'll keep it funky!
@Mass: I couldn't agree with you more. I think now that the day is winding down, I am seeing those feelings that were so strong this morning when I wrote this blog....kinda relaxing a little. I think that is the beauty of expresion - at least for me - I needed to feel heard. You are absolutely right, this situation has run it's course and I have learned and am learning a LOT of lessons from this one. I mean, I have been involved with this person virtually the whole time I've been on the HILL. I'll have to evaluate (when it's time....which isn't now) what perspectives I had just because I wanted that situation to work out and what of my perspectives are truly rooted in my identity, values, and so on..... the work continues.... thanks for all the feedback - I think I'll be resting peacefully tonight! thanks guys!!! |
|
On April 2, 2010, 12:58 pm Wood says:
Yeah MSB, that is what I mean. Prepetual said to me in another post that because of my age (46) versus her age of mid 20s, that I think I know this because of that. It didn't take me that long to say what I'm say; I would be saying most of the same thing at 32... it didn't take me long to figure things out.
Dashon uses the term "seasoned", and I totally agree with the concept that age and experiences put a lot of things together and simplify other. One of the things I picked up as I grew older was to ascertain a woman's disposition and temperment regarding certain things... that was something that I was never schooled about and had to learn as I gotten older... that was "seasoning". From what I've always as I was in the 32-38 age range, that many sistas had to what appeared to me to find themselves revamping and re-evaluating what they want and expect out of a potential partner. To me, that that is too damn late to have to go backward to damn near overhaul what you find important in a man. I can't wrap my mind around how many sistas whom act like they really want to get married and have children, find themselves having to re-arrange many qualities and preferences that they once found important, only to say that many of those qualities are no longer that important... I can't understand why something that many find so important, takes that long to figure out. I don't see how a 25 year old sista who strongly prefer a 6'2", earn "equal or better", white collar, athletic, must be stylish, must smell this way, etc, take all those years to now requesting: At least two inche taller than me and not having to be 6'2", earn a good income, even if it is less than mines, has a good job but doesn't have to be white collar, good body proportioned, dress neat, clean, etc...at 35 years old !!! If the sista-hood really didn't care one way or the other, that would be one thing, but it is not. |
I feel your pain. Someone once told me that "the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less... " Marniate on that for a minute and realize how that relates to your blog.