July 29th 2010

Can the Church Support Your Relationship?

Recently while doing a variety of cyber searches I came across the study done by The Barna Research Group regarding the pattern of divorce among Conservative Christians and Atheists. The results were thought provoking and caused me to wonder about how this data transfers into our daily lives.

Conservative Christians, as presented in this study, find it a neccessity to adhere to Biblical standards. As a result, many Conservative Christians polled in this study refer to their Bibles and Pastoral care for advice and comfort during the turbulent times in their marriages. Results from this pathway to addressing marital issues left many couples at odds about whether they had resolved their issues, and at times alienated one or both partners because of the strict descriptions of "manhood" and "womanhood" as well as the role of "husband" and "wife". Ultimately divorce was the only solution the couples who identified themselves as Conservative Christians could agree on.

Atheists, as presented in this study, found it necessary to resolve their maritial issues within the family, or through the assistance of third parties certified in couples counseling. This approach is based on the belief that marriage, and any other commitments made, are the sole responsibility of those involved. Atheists reported feeling a sense of obligation to the self and their partner in order to resolve marital issues.

Interesting, isn''t it?

As one of the largest groups in America that associates themselves as "Christians" black people are among those who reported that once they bring their marital issues to the church if the problem isn''t solved, divorce is the only option left. This is extremely alarming for me as a woman meeting single brothers out here. I am by no means a conservative christian, and hardly an atheist. But where does that leave me?

I have seen many couples who are devot in their observance of Christian values only become increasingly disgruntled with their partners when actions don''t line up with beliefs. This was cited as one of the major reasons that couples who adhere to Christian doctrine find themselves moving towards divorce. When a woman is not representing the virtues of Proverbs 31 or a man is not operating as the "Sole provider, and Head of Household" these couples have a crisis of belief.

I have concluded (and not just from this study) that it is unwise to rely on primitive ideals, descriptions, and teachings. I am not saying that your man or woman should be an atheist. By no means, do I believe that no belief in God is a place any couple should start. However, I know for myself, I don''t want a man who expects me to submit to his decision making process; I would like a man that wants to bring problems to the table that we will work on together. It is true, with some things he will be better equipped than I, and vice versa. However, you won''t catch me subscribing to the ideal that his voice is the last.

One more thing...
As the title suggests, I wonder how many couples have used their faith to justify their actions. My thinking is that in the church people are told to take their problems to Jesus "call him up on the main line". This is all good ingredients for a Gospel song, but what about a conflict in a marriage/partnership? Doesn''t this idea that you should "with-hold" information or feelings from your partner a form of "checking out"? Aren''t healthy couples supposed to communicate? And what about this business of "prayer" being the answer to all marital problems?

So should you pray like this:

"Dear God, my husband is a terrible lover, with little consideration for my desire to have an orgasim, if he doesn''t get better in bed, then I think I might sit on that young guys lap at the job....In Jesus Name...."

or

"Dear God, you said if we ask then you would honor our requests, well, my wife has totally let herself go and the mere image of her digusts me. I''m angry at her for the way she eats anything she feels like eating just because we just had a baby. Pretty soon I think she''ll get the drift when I stop coming to bed and ignoring her attempts at being intimate. What should I do? Can you send me another wife?....In Jesus Name...."

See what I mean? The antidotes provided through religion, don''t tell us to address the core issues that alienate us from our partners. Instead religions promote gender stereotypes, emotional isolation, and further, anti-pragmatic approaches to a relationships. The idea that the church won''t recognize any couplehood other than marriage and the church is like the black national government, no wonder folks are at a loss for what to do! There isn''t much community support on how to practically tackle marriage and partnerships; as a non-profit organization focused on serving the community, I think it''s high time they open their minds to the many ways in which people relate intimately and support the community accordingly.

FH:I don''t like to live in hypocrisy, and my guess is neither do you. So what would you like to see the black church do to promote loving healthy relationships. What traditions, beliefs, and practices in the church prevent you from feeling spiritually safe? How are these elements negatively or positively impacting your relationships? Can we critically examine whether or not the church can support the modern couple? Let''s talk....

ms.b

The study mentioned can be found at:
http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm