July 29th 2010
Are You a Good Friend?
 |
by msbnmd on October 18, 2009, 9:44 am in Dating
|
6 comments |
Once in a while, there are people who come into your life that make you wonder: "where have you been all my life?" If we're lucky, these friends make us see who we are. They may even help us to become who we want to be. Friendships are at the seat of many of our hearts. In our friendships we learn unconditional love, acceptance, support, and how to weather the storms from a healthy distance. Some of us brag of many associates, but we all know friends are few and far between.
So what kind of friend are you? To seperate our relationship behaviors from how we deal with our friendships is a naive act. I think that when we clearly look at our friendships, we can see, just how we actually behave in relationships. Friendships, in their purest form lack a desire for "getting, winning, or gaming". So when all the folly around saying, doing, and being the right thing in order to get that guy or girl is gone, all you have is your ability to be a friend. Are you a good friend?
I'll admit, the reason for this blog is because I have had to work tirelessly to remove my unhealthy behaviors in my friendships. I have been known to be unavailable at a whim, distant, and uninterested if I can't "fix" their problems. At times, I know that I am the person to come to when there are problems to be solved. On the other hand, if there is a party, or an adventure that a friend wants me to participate in, I cowar, excusing myself because I have "things to do". I know that my friends love and accept this about me. Many of them have simply been my friends throughout many of my changes in life and do not hold it against me that I am uninterested in some things.
But then I got to thinking. How does that make them feel? Do they feel as though I don't have interest in what interests them? Would they say I'm not being a good friend to them because I avoid the things that interest them? I know I am the person they come to for advice, to heal broken hearts, and to help them strategize their way through their careers. But am I the person that will engage in activities they like to do? Will I be able to sacrifice being in my comfort zone in order to share with them. So far, I haven't been.
Then I got to thinking.......
This is one of the major issues within my relationships: accountability. I have a hard time being accountable to others. For some reason, accountability screams neediness and being used. I know this is an irrational perception...and believe me...I want to see it healed. Nevertheless, if I look closely at how I operate in my friendships I can see that the same things I am not willing to do for and with my friends are the same things I am not willing to do for and with my mate. Wow. Here I am, cataloging all the things I have to offer a potential significant other, when the truth is, I am not fully capable of partnering.
Friendship is gift that we continue to give. Partnership is a gift of commitment we continue to give. So if I have trouble giving of myself to my friends in order to honor their interests, than what does that say about my ability to do the same in love relationships? If I can't feel comfortable with the intimacy of friendships, how will I be comfortable with the intimacy of a relationship.
We blame the sexes so much, and I too, have a habit of blaming extraneous circumstances on my singlehood: location, selection, and values. But if I'm honest, I can truly see that there is work to be done on my ability to be a friend. I know that there will not be true intimacy if there is not friendship. Friendship is loving, unconditional, kind, considerate, giving, and honest. These are the very things I claim to want from a man. So if I take myself out of the illusion of all the extraneous circumstances around my singlehood and focus back on myself the question that will be my focus is:
Am I a Good Friend?
FH: How have your friendships shown you elements of your ability to relate to others in an intimate setting? What kind of friend are you? Do you see any parallels between how you handle friendships and how you engage in love relationships?
Let's talk.....
ms.b
So what kind of friend are you? To seperate our relationship behaviors from how we deal with our friendships is a naive act. I think that when we clearly look at our friendships, we can see, just how we actually behave in relationships. Friendships, in their purest form lack a desire for "getting, winning, or gaming". So when all the folly around saying, doing, and being the right thing in order to get that guy or girl is gone, all you have is your ability to be a friend. Are you a good friend?
I'll admit, the reason for this blog is because I have had to work tirelessly to remove my unhealthy behaviors in my friendships. I have been known to be unavailable at a whim, distant, and uninterested if I can't "fix" their problems. At times, I know that I am the person to come to when there are problems to be solved. On the other hand, if there is a party, or an adventure that a friend wants me to participate in, I cowar, excusing myself because I have "things to do". I know that my friends love and accept this about me. Many of them have simply been my friends throughout many of my changes in life and do not hold it against me that I am uninterested in some things.
But then I got to thinking. How does that make them feel? Do they feel as though I don't have interest in what interests them? Would they say I'm not being a good friend to them because I avoid the things that interest them? I know I am the person they come to for advice, to heal broken hearts, and to help them strategize their way through their careers. But am I the person that will engage in activities they like to do? Will I be able to sacrifice being in my comfort zone in order to share with them. So far, I haven't been.
Then I got to thinking.......
This is one of the major issues within my relationships: accountability. I have a hard time being accountable to others. For some reason, accountability screams neediness and being used. I know this is an irrational perception...and believe me...I want to see it healed. Nevertheless, if I look closely at how I operate in my friendships I can see that the same things I am not willing to do for and with my friends are the same things I am not willing to do for and with my mate. Wow. Here I am, cataloging all the things I have to offer a potential significant other, when the truth is, I am not fully capable of partnering.
Friendship is gift that we continue to give. Partnership is a gift of commitment we continue to give. So if I have trouble giving of myself to my friends in order to honor their interests, than what does that say about my ability to do the same in love relationships? If I can't feel comfortable with the intimacy of friendships, how will I be comfortable with the intimacy of a relationship.
We blame the sexes so much, and I too, have a habit of blaming extraneous circumstances on my singlehood: location, selection, and values. But if I'm honest, I can truly see that there is work to be done on my ability to be a friend. I know that there will not be true intimacy if there is not friendship. Friendship is loving, unconditional, kind, considerate, giving, and honest. These are the very things I claim to want from a man. So if I take myself out of the illusion of all the extraneous circumstances around my singlehood and focus back on myself the question that will be my focus is:
Am I a Good Friend?
FH: How have your friendships shown you elements of your ability to relate to others in an intimate setting? What kind of friend are you? Do you see any parallels between how you handle friendships and how you engage in love relationships?
Let's talk.....
ms.b
Join the conversation, add your comment6 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
 |
On November 18, 2009, 9:37 pm msbnmd says:
Thanks for the comment vBarbiev...and I hope you handled that roach! I feel like there was a period in my life when I was giving more than I could afford to give in my friendships. Now, I find myself struggling to share myself with friends, and at times, family.
I guess it's all about the balance.... thanks for weighing in... -ms.b |
 |
On November 19, 2009, 12:58 am vBARBIEv says:
Girl as soon as I saw it I hurried to finish writing my comment, log out of the computer, and get the hell out of dodge. I don't do critters!!!
I FEEL you! I am struggling with the exact same thing. I just try to think of it as stage and as a time when I need to be myself to grow and think. I think this stage is only crippling if it turns from a stage into a way of life, because that isn't healthy. I have an aunt is the most bitter person you would ever want to meet, and I believe part of it has to do with her feeling that she has done more for others than others have done for her, and I definitely DO NOT want to end up like her. I also try to remember that the friends who surround me genuinely love and care about my well-being and future, and that they are more supportive and caring than I am giving them credit for simply because I'm looking at them through jaded eyes. I think we, you and me, can overcome this milestone. We just have to be confident that what we do for others will come back to us, but perhaps not always in the same form that it was given out. And we have to remember to go outside of our comfort zone a bit, because, afterall, we can't ask others to do what we ourselves refuse to do. Peace and Blessings! |
 |
On November 19, 2009, 7:57 pm Dashon says:
How have your friendships shown you elements of your ability to relate to others in an intimate setting?
My two best friends are my mirrors...they help me to see all of the bumps on my character, and I thank them for that. Nothing better than having folks in your life who will call you on your stuff, encourage you with your goals, and compliment you on your accomplishments...both tangible & intangible. What kind of friend are you? I'd like to think that I'm a good friend, however I am imperfect and sometimes miss the mark on how a good friend should respond or how far a real friend is willing to go on behalf of their friends. Generally its around small stuff, (like with you), not accepting ALL invites, or just disconnecting for a few days when I'm dealing with something. Do you see any parallels between how you handle friendships and how you engage in love relationships? Yes, being a natural giver, I have to curb my tendency to give my all until I'm sure that its safe for me to do so with a person. I tend to operate that way with both genders. |
 |
On November 20, 2009, 11:30 am Visionary says:
@ Ms B: Girl....this was an excellent blog! I loved it!
How have your friendships shown you elements of your ability to relate to others in an intimate setting? I only have a handful of people I consider friends and I see a peice of myself in all of them. I have my conservative Dr. friend, my wild street friend, my semi booshi friend, and my friend that is just so much like me it scarey. LOL! So I'll call her mini me. I appreciate people that can flat out be honest with you and you with them and you're relationship won't be jepordized. Friends are supposed to accept the good and the bad of you. Those are true friends. What kind of friend are you? I would say I'm a damn good friend if I do say so myself but I know for a fact others will agree. :P I've always been known as a kindhearted person and willing to give or help without expecting anything in return. I know several times where my friends have wanted to go do something but didn't have the funds and didn't want to ask for money. I'll go out of my way to make sure they have as much fun as if they did have the money. I just know ultimately, whether my friend is able to pay me back or not, its the blessings that I receive later on that do my heart good. @ vbarbiev, its tough that your aunt holds grudges to people that don't do what she's done for them. The ultimate reward is being able to do for those that can't do for themselves and if they can, its just the thought of giving without wanting something in return. Do you see any parallels between how you handle friendships and how you engage in love relationships? Unfortunately no, and I am working through that. The fact that I recognize it says something in itself. I've attempted to approach my relationships with men a little different these days and look for a friendship verses a love relationship. |
 |
On November 30, 2009, 8:26 am BEASTFRMVA says:
I have been selfless and unconditional in my friendships. Problem is that this often compromises everything. I have done for others and reciprocity was not even answer. Yet what I have found is that me living my life as a good friends allows me to live with few regrets.
However I have noticed that I have had to rearrange my priorities and refocus in order to succeed because no one can push you harder than you push yourself. |
I have more to say but I have to cut this short. I am in the graduate computer lab at my school and just spotted a roach. Eww.