September 4th 2010
The GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY
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by HopelessRomantic on February 5, 2010, 8:49 pm in The Breakup / The Ex
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10 comments |
The GOOD
You meet a guy at a time when you’re really not pressed to find someone. Yet you are open to new opportunities. You go out with him on a first date and you both have a good time. Then he begins to pursue you. Frequent phone calls, dates, and even small gifts or tokens to show you he’s really interested. After a couple of months, your feelings grow and you both like each other. Then there’s THE conversation. Where is this going? He wants to be exclusive, so do you. GREAT. So now you’re in a relationship. For a few months, things are going very well. He says he loves you. He introduces you to his family and friends. He starts talking about the future – kids, marriage, etc. You become excited and hopeful about the relationship. And then….
The BAD
All of a sudden he doesn’t have as much time to spend with you. He doesn’t plan any dates with you. You feel that maybe something is wrong or something has changed. He says he’s busy at work and it has nothing to do with you. He constantly reassures you and asks you to bear with his busy schedule. You decide to put the doubt and worry in the back of your mind and trust your man. You’re not getting as much quality time as you want, but you love and support him so you hang in there. I know, most may say he’s seeing someone else. Maybe, maybe not. You have more good times than bad but the bad is still there.
The UGLY
The bad doesn’t seem so bad. You think things are going well. Then all of a sudden you find out you were wrong. He pulls away suddenly – a few days pass and he doesn’t call but will answer or return your calls. After a few days of this, you ask what’s wrong. He says he lost his job so its work related. You give him some space. After a few more days, you ask what’s really going on. He starts by saying he lost his job so he’s not in a good place to be in a relationship. You are blown. You continue to probe and then you get the rest of his story. He no longer “desires” you. Well who do you desire? Is it something I did, someone else? He says no to both. He says some other hurtful things. It’s obvious he’s known for some time that he no longer wants to be with you. So why wait until the end to say something? How did this happen? Was it all a lie? You ask more questions via email/text and he responds. He didn’t mean to hurt you. He says he loves and respects you, which is why he decided to end it. You are not what he wants and needs. Oh really? What you are hearing now is so different than before. So your mind is blown. You need more closure. So, you send him another message asking what is it he wants and needs that he didn’t have with you. There is no response. It’s clear he wants nothing to do with you. So now you begin blaming yourself. There’s something wrong with me. Was I that bad that he cannot even respond to an email? It’s not like you called or showed up at his house. He’s maintained a friendship with at least 1 ex-girlfriend. Why doesn’t he at least want to end it on a better note so that you can at least be friends in the future? Since he’s not responding, you have a lot of questions in your mind. You start to doubt yourself; you wonder what you could have done differently, what went wrong. You cry A LOT. Your family and friends try to comfort you; nothing seems to make you feel better. Why does the END have to be so UGLY?
You meet a guy at a time when you’re really not pressed to find someone. Yet you are open to new opportunities. You go out with him on a first date and you both have a good time. Then he begins to pursue you. Frequent phone calls, dates, and even small gifts or tokens to show you he’s really interested. After a couple of months, your feelings grow and you both like each other. Then there’s THE conversation. Where is this going? He wants to be exclusive, so do you. GREAT. So now you’re in a relationship. For a few months, things are going very well. He says he loves you. He introduces you to his family and friends. He starts talking about the future – kids, marriage, etc. You become excited and hopeful about the relationship. And then….
The BAD
All of a sudden he doesn’t have as much time to spend with you. He doesn’t plan any dates with you. You feel that maybe something is wrong or something has changed. He says he’s busy at work and it has nothing to do with you. He constantly reassures you and asks you to bear with his busy schedule. You decide to put the doubt and worry in the back of your mind and trust your man. You’re not getting as much quality time as you want, but you love and support him so you hang in there. I know, most may say he’s seeing someone else. Maybe, maybe not. You have more good times than bad but the bad is still there.
The UGLY
The bad doesn’t seem so bad. You think things are going well. Then all of a sudden you find out you were wrong. He pulls away suddenly – a few days pass and he doesn’t call but will answer or return your calls. After a few days of this, you ask what’s wrong. He says he lost his job so its work related. You give him some space. After a few more days, you ask what’s really going on. He starts by saying he lost his job so he’s not in a good place to be in a relationship. You are blown. You continue to probe and then you get the rest of his story. He no longer “desires” you. Well who do you desire? Is it something I did, someone else? He says no to both. He says some other hurtful things. It’s obvious he’s known for some time that he no longer wants to be with you. So why wait until the end to say something? How did this happen? Was it all a lie? You ask more questions via email/text and he responds. He didn’t mean to hurt you. He says he loves and respects you, which is why he decided to end it. You are not what he wants and needs. Oh really? What you are hearing now is so different than before. So your mind is blown. You need more closure. So, you send him another message asking what is it he wants and needs that he didn’t have with you. There is no response. It’s clear he wants nothing to do with you. So now you begin blaming yourself. There’s something wrong with me. Was I that bad that he cannot even respond to an email? It’s not like you called or showed up at his house. He’s maintained a friendship with at least 1 ex-girlfriend. Why doesn’t he at least want to end it on a better note so that you can at least be friends in the future? Since he’s not responding, you have a lot of questions in your mind. You start to doubt yourself; you wonder what you could have done differently, what went wrong. You cry A LOT. Your family and friends try to comfort you; nothing seems to make you feel better. Why does the END have to be so UGLY?
Join the conversation, add your comment10 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On February 6, 2010, 1:49 am loveless says:
War of the roses. Did you ever see that movie? It was so good and so sad. A beautiful couple started out with everything being so beautiful and rosy and at the end of the movie OMG. You are like WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED. I wont tell the ending in case you never seen it. Anyway I was married and any divorced couple can explain how things can go from good to bad to ugly. Its called progression. Sometimes it happens very slowly and sometimes its like they change overnite. But I assume you are talking about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. When the phone calls and e-mails stopped, I would have been on high alert then. When he said he lost his job, that would have been my exit. I never want to be any man's excuse as to why he don't want me. When the signs are there, pay attention. When the red flag is shown, make your exit. Not matter how bad it feel, if he doesnt want you and is showing signs, walk away.
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On February 6, 2010, 3:55 pm Dashon says:
@VA: Unfortunately these things happen. Not all relationships will end on a positive note thus leaving the door open for a platonic friendship. It happens for a number of reasons, but regardless of why...in situations such as the one you've described, its best to keep it moving in a forward motion & take the lessons & leave the baggae.
Trying to analyze the "why's" and doubting one's self is never the best way reaction to this kind of thing. It doesn't change the circumstances -- so what's the point of figuring it out. Sometimes the best thing we can do --is walk away with our heads high, and know that this too shall pass. |
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On February 8, 2010, 6:57 pm HopelessRomantic says:
@Loveless - you are absolutely right. I should have made my exit when I saw the red flags. Instead, I chose to ignore and maintain a false sense of hope.
@Dashon - I guess I analyze to try to find the lesson in the midst of my pain. Unfortunately, we don't always have clear answers. Per loveless, my lesson may be just knowing when to walk away. |
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On February 8, 2010, 6:58 pm HopelessRomantic says:
@Loveless - you are absolutely right. I should have made my exit when I saw the red flags. Instead, I chose to ignore and maintain a false sense of hope.
@Dashon - I guess I analyze to try to find the lesson in the midst of my pain. Unfortunately, we don't always have clear answers. Per loveless, my lesson may be just knowing when to walk away. |
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On February 9, 2010, 7:49 am Wood says:
HR, I have a different perspective on your relationship ending. Yeah, sometimes these things "happens", but the "whys" I look at is very different than the "whys" others seem to be focusing on.
Just like you are wanting to know what happened, what did I do or not do, etc, but with me dealing with the sistas, I can usually get a very good picture of both of our ending all the way at the beginning. He transisted from one person to the other without a break in between relationships; that isn't necessarily one of those "things happens", but that is a predictable behavior disposition and dating style. If you are oblivious to the fact that some folks have a strong desire to not be without a mate for any period of time... that matters from the beginning to the end, as you found out. When I look at a sista and start getting to know her, one of the first thing that I pick up without even asking any questions, is how she ended her last relationship. Its very apparent during the beginning... there are "trade" secret issues amongst the brotha-hood that I can divulge...lol. I don't know the what or whys that happened in your relationship, but from your post, I do get the impression that your man went from one relationship right into another one...those are my "red flags", not the during the point in the relationship when you saw them. You have to be able to interprete what you are seeing. Then again, maybe he picked up something with your action that you are not aware of. Although, dont' go from one sista to the next, I've left sistas flat-footed wondering "why" based on things that happens all the way at the beginning. Don't forget, many men will set a relationship tragectory within thirty days of meeting you, so a woman asking a whole lot of question to answers that was could have been established two years during the beginning, does nobody any good. |
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On February 10, 2010, 12:00 am HopelessRomantic says:
@Wood - thank you so much for providing some feedback from the "brotha-hood". I think you have a point about knowing someone's dating style and pattern of behavior.
Regarding things that may have happened in the beginning of a relationship, I believe in keeping it real so I don't quite understand why men would continue a relationship if they know in the beginning that it is not for them. If you pick up on things, then don't enter into a committed relationship or end it at that point. Giving women a false reality while you are thinking something totally different in your mind that may have happened in the beginning is deceptive, insensitive, and unfair. But as they say- all is fair in love and war. |
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On February 10, 2010, 9:55 am Wood says:
HR, you can't depend on many men to not date or get involved with a sista whom they have no serious intentions of going any further than a GF. I don't know how you guys started off at the very beginning when dating. Where you both dating or open to seeing others. It is an unwritten rule amongst the Brotha-hood that if a sista has "friend" or "dating", that is a mega red flag that she more then likely sexing somebody, somewhere, and at some inteval...truth or not.
Many times, a brotha who feel that the sista is what I calls, "showing her ass" during the dating period before she really start feeling him, he will pursuit like mad and try to hook her good for a few months or so. After getting her wrapped up in him, he will get ghost... you pissed him off somehow. Another situation that can cause a man to leave and getting ghost like that; you could have done what many sistas do during the getting to know you period. Many sistas are busy dating various men, enjoying the events, meals, and attention from all those men while still "single". They spend so much time out there dating these men and so-call "keeping her options open". The bad thing is, when she choses either one of the men she was out there dating, he is already sexing someone, or has more likelier than not start sexing someone he was dating during the same time you were out there dating... I've done that. It is a very easy way for many of us brothas to have several sistas whom we start sexing, who were also out there "keeping her options open". Now you chooses one of the brothas you were dating - it doesn't matter which one - and he is already knee deep into another sista. You can't "keep it real" when you start catching feeling and expect him to stop sexing another sista... that is unlikely to happen. That is one of the easiest way that even the nicest brotha can find himself juggling several sistas. |
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On February 10, 2010, 10:16 am Wood says:
HR, one of the best advice I ever received regarding women, is when I was a 19 years old Freshman in college. Another 19 year old told me that around the first three weeks to a month of meeting a woman is the most important time for getting the best information about her. It is a time when most of you sistas will "show your ass"... and its true. At 46, I contend that time and experiences has only reinforced that advice. Hell, I don't know who told them, but damn, it is true. Ironically, that is during the same time when men will make up their mind of which category to put you.
The time when dating and before you sistas start catching feelings and you feel like you can take it or leave it, you sistas display a certain "attitude" and you say and do shit that comes to a screeching halt once you start catching feeling. This is the most important and critical time to evaluate a woman. |
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On February 10, 2010, 11:14 am HopelessRomantic says:
Wood, I'm not suggesting that a man should not get involved with a woman if they don't have intentions of going any further than a GF. The point of dating for men and women is to use the dating period to determine if you want to go further with the person. You stated that sometimes men know in the beginning that this woman is not for them long-term for one reason or another. So if that is the case, I'm saying that men should not become committed (GF/BF) and if they already are, then they should exit sooner than later. Now I know that the "convenience and comfort" (regular sex, company, etc) may keep people in a relationship well after the person knows that this is not it. All I'm saying is don't deceive a person or sell them this idea that everything is great and they wouldn't change a thing when you know it's not true. Especially if you are not asked, then there's no point in saying it just because you feel the other person wants to hear it. I would rather hear the truth.
I'm not a person that dates multiple people - I have on occasion but I typically don't like to spend my time with people I'm not really interested in. So it doesn't take me long to make a cut. I admit with this guy I took it slow, getting to know him etc. He was probably the one dating other people, not me. I am usually guarded in the beginning. It's sort of a defense mechanism that has built over time. I might as well work on getting rid of that because it doesn't work anyway. There's no sure fire way to prevent heartache - other than taking good notes from your male perspective and not ignore red flags in the future. |
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On February 10, 2010, 12:21 pm Wood says:
The point of dating for men and women is to use the dating period to determine if you want to go further with the person. Yeah, but think about it. Many men will make up their mind early... what does that say. It says he doesn't even know a whole lot about the woman. There are tons of things that he have no clue about regarding her attributes, qualities, etc, yet during this time many men still make that decision early on keeper or non keeper. You may think... shouldn't time spent change all what were perceived early on, yet it doesn't and for good reasons. Had my fiance not taken the time to explain a phone call that she abruptly answered and hung up on, she would have feel in the "non keeper" category. The phone ranged, she looked at it and hung up abruptly. She didn't say anything and neither did I, but you bet your behind that I was thinking. She explained that call the next day. That was during the dating period, but had she not explained that call, all of her other attributes, qualities doesn't matter one bit if I think that she had "something" going on with anuugnugga when dating her. You stated that sometimes men know in the beginning that this woman is not for them long-term for one reason or another. So if that is the case, I'm saying that men should not become committed (GF/BF) and if they already are, then they should exit sooner than later. Categories...We look at is as just because you are not wify material, you can still be a great GF, and just because I don't want to have a long term GF/BF relationship with her, she can still fit in the "hit for a minute and quit it" category, especially if we feel that you may have something going on when we start dating you. The key is how we feel, and if there isn't anything going on, which could be the case, it up to you to come with it up front and early.
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