September 8th 2010
Addicted to The Poison: In Desperate Need of Affection
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by SingleDame on April 21, 2010, 1:38 am in Dating
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18 comments |
The smell of it. The scent of it. The sheer fuckin' notion of the possibility of
it being so real....so true. The sheer fuckin' thought of it FINALLY happening
to you. You have yearned and craved for it's arrival.......
At night when you close your eyes and await for the sun to rise, you lay their with thoughts of IT. You wonder what it feels like. And lately you've even wondered ever so deeply to yourself it IT even fuckin exist for YOU.
What the FUCK am I talking about? What the fuck is IT????? IT is "THE One".
THE One is that mutha fucka that you just KNOW will end your days of being Single. THE One is the individual who WILL NOT complete you, yet instead they will add to you in such a magnificent fuckin' way, you won't know how to explain this Phenomenon in words. THE One will seduce you with their eyes and make you fall in love with them before the two of you even fuckin exchange words.
THE One will win you over before the two of you experience orgasmic bliss in divine unison.
DAMN, I can't wait until I meet THE One..........yet until then, I remain ADDICTED TO THE POISON in Desperate Need of Affection. Well....what the FUCK do I mean by this?
As of February 2010, I have been sharing my life as The Single Dame of Chicago and I have shared with you some very DEEP and INTIMATE thoughts and experiences regarding my dating life, my feelings....damnit overall I've shared some highly personal shit with yall for what is now over a year.
I have shared my strengths, as well as, my weakness. Not to mention I have shared with you all many of my faults, flaws, and mistakes and among them were THE Fuck Buddy. Yup, I said it!!!! THE Fuck Buddy was/is/was/is/was/is/was one of my deep rooted flaws. Or perhaps it's more appropriate to state that he is a symbol of one of my deepest flaws. What would that flaw be?
The flaw of my insecurities regarding being alone. I dont' want to be alone. I don't desire to be alone. As a matter of fact, I fear being alone. I dont' want to grow old and be one of them single women who live by herself with cats, birds, and dogs. I don't want to be that wrinkled old lady who shops alone, eats alone, sleeps alone, and ultimately..............cries alone.
And due to my fear of being alone, I constantly feed my addiction. You may be thinking that the POISON I speak of, represents THE Fuck Buddy, yet that's not true. the POISON represents the act in which I allow people in my life (Man and Woman) who provide temporary pleasure and a false sense of love.
For the LONGEST time I have allowed THE Fuck Buddy to remain a part of my life when his ass needed to be OUT! For every single one of his hurtful actions, I created some level of justification that made everything "A OK". It was almost as if this man could do no wrong. I've cursed his ass out, I've put his ass on blast, I've caressed him, I've thanked him, I've introduced him to my family and I embraced his.
I created a fairytale where I was the princess and he was my prince, yet all he's ever done was show up to my fairytale. He never contributed to it. I wrote it. I acted it out. And I did it all alone. So perhaps it's better to say it was a nightmare. I created a nightmare. I set myself up for hurt/let-down. For the longest time, He was MY PRINCE, yet I was NEVER his Princess.
Every single blog I wrote about him and I were true. The only thing is that now, as I go back and read them, I'm able to read between the lines and read his actions ever so differently. I see so much more clear today.
Nevertheless, regardless of my new found truths regarding Myself and THE Fuck Buddy, deep down I still desire him. I still want him to come over and fuck me the right way, even though i could NEVER make LOVE with him. I want to be with him. My INSECURITIES support all in which is unhealthy.
I am NOT ashamed to share this with you all because I know DAMN WELL I'M NOT ALONE in my feelings. I'm not the only one who has allowed their desperate need of affection, to welcome the poison into their lives with warm open arms.
As I've said before, "Pretty girls get lonely too........" Only shallow folks believe that an attractive person could never be alone and/or lonely. I'm a very social person who makes friends and prospective mates easily, yet the issues of insecurities run deeper than any blog could expose.
(Continued......)
*****CHECK MY BLOG***** at www.TheSingleDame.blogspot.com to read the rest of this blog post! TRUST you won't regret it! Overall, you'll fuckin' Love my blog! Much to read. Much to Learn. Much to share.
Forever Fabulous,
The Single Dame
At night when you close your eyes and await for the sun to rise, you lay their with thoughts of IT. You wonder what it feels like. And lately you've even wondered ever so deeply to yourself it IT even fuckin exist for YOU.
What the FUCK am I talking about? What the fuck is IT????? IT is "THE One".
THE One is that mutha fucka that you just KNOW will end your days of being Single. THE One is the individual who WILL NOT complete you, yet instead they will add to you in such a magnificent fuckin' way, you won't know how to explain this Phenomenon in words. THE One will seduce you with their eyes and make you fall in love with them before the two of you even fuckin exchange words.
THE One will win you over before the two of you experience orgasmic bliss in divine unison.
DAMN, I can't wait until I meet THE One..........yet until then, I remain ADDICTED TO THE POISON in Desperate Need of Affection. Well....what the FUCK do I mean by this?
As of February 2010, I have been sharing my life as The Single Dame of Chicago and I have shared with you some very DEEP and INTIMATE thoughts and experiences regarding my dating life, my feelings....damnit overall I've shared some highly personal shit with yall for what is now over a year.
I have shared my strengths, as well as, my weakness. Not to mention I have shared with you all many of my faults, flaws, and mistakes and among them were THE Fuck Buddy. Yup, I said it!!!! THE Fuck Buddy was/is/was/is/was/is/was one of my deep rooted flaws. Or perhaps it's more appropriate to state that he is a symbol of one of my deepest flaws. What would that flaw be?
The flaw of my insecurities regarding being alone. I dont' want to be alone. I don't desire to be alone. As a matter of fact, I fear being alone. I dont' want to grow old and be one of them single women who live by herself with cats, birds, and dogs. I don't want to be that wrinkled old lady who shops alone, eats alone, sleeps alone, and ultimately..............cries alone.
And due to my fear of being alone, I constantly feed my addiction. You may be thinking that the POISON I speak of, represents THE Fuck Buddy, yet that's not true. the POISON represents the act in which I allow people in my life (Man and Woman) who provide temporary pleasure and a false sense of love.
For the LONGEST time I have allowed THE Fuck Buddy to remain a part of my life when his ass needed to be OUT! For every single one of his hurtful actions, I created some level of justification that made everything "A OK". It was almost as if this man could do no wrong. I've cursed his ass out, I've put his ass on blast, I've caressed him, I've thanked him, I've introduced him to my family and I embraced his.
I created a fairytale where I was the princess and he was my prince, yet all he's ever done was show up to my fairytale. He never contributed to it. I wrote it. I acted it out. And I did it all alone. So perhaps it's better to say it was a nightmare. I created a nightmare. I set myself up for hurt/let-down. For the longest time, He was MY PRINCE, yet I was NEVER his Princess.
Every single blog I wrote about him and I were true. The only thing is that now, as I go back and read them, I'm able to read between the lines and read his actions ever so differently. I see so much more clear today.
Nevertheless, regardless of my new found truths regarding Myself and THE Fuck Buddy, deep down I still desire him. I still want him to come over and fuck me the right way, even though i could NEVER make LOVE with him. I want to be with him. My INSECURITIES support all in which is unhealthy.
I am NOT ashamed to share this with you all because I know DAMN WELL I'M NOT ALONE in my feelings. I'm not the only one who has allowed their desperate need of affection, to welcome the poison into their lives with warm open arms.
As I've said before, "Pretty girls get lonely too........" Only shallow folks believe that an attractive person could never be alone and/or lonely. I'm a very social person who makes friends and prospective mates easily, yet the issues of insecurities run deeper than any blog could expose.
(Continued......)
*****CHECK MY BLOG***** at www.TheSingleDame.blogspot.com to read the rest of this blog post! TRUST you won't regret it! Overall, you'll fuckin' Love my blog! Much to read. Much to Learn. Much to share.
Forever Fabulous,
The Single Dame
Join the conversation, add your comment18 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On April 21, 2010, 9:20 am SingleDame says:
@MassAppeal, absolutely. It sounds that perhaps you can direclty relate to what I'm currently going through. I mean damn, your comment speaks so much damn truth. Over and over again my readers prove to me that we are not alone in our relationship trials and tribulations.
These vicious cycles are recycled within our community. I can't wait until I escape. Forever Fabulous, The Single Dame P.S. It remains interesting how most of my readers, or shall I say those whom leave comments on my blog on The Hill, are men. Most of the women are shy? LoL. |
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On April 21, 2010, 9:57 am Wood says:
SD, I'm on the other end on the spectrum. I'm not perfect, made mistake, took risks, etc, but like Sidney Kane spelled out in her blog of being the other woman, there are men like me... plenty of them or else there wouldn't be so many gripes about men. Most sistas don't give FB grief.
We are the heart breakers...and I make no bones about it. DAMN, I can't wait until I meet THE One and this is the point where we pick up... during the times when you (women) want to put all the fuck buddies, married men, "fun times" behind you. We are the ones who come across as the "nice type" of guys, not as the "Mr. Cool", or brashly flashy, but solid, hard working, a tad on the conservative side. Most of us can sucker a woman right on in with our reserved demeanor and subtle mannerism. We knew years ago that sistas don't look towards us for FB relationships, and the times that we were in that role, she would always try to change the rules in the middle of the game to get a title. We know folks make mistakes, etc, but I've always heard and come to believe that it is more of series decisions that many just don't want to continue as they grow older... mistake?, not really in most cases. When I was out in the market, I took a little offense that I had to raise my game to the level to be able to "filter" these sistas out from the truely legitimate sistas. I know folks change and made mistakes during their time... and I'm included, but you will never hear of a bank hiring an ex thief to be a bank teller. But luckily for them, they have at their disposure of running a background check to filter out everyone who wants to sign up... brothas don't. Many of us don't want an ex Busy Body trying to mix in with the legitimate sistas trying to settle down... Hell, myself and my boys sexed plenty of committed sistas who slipped through the cracks. |
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On April 21, 2010, 10:29 am SingleDame says:
@Wood, well Damn! I have honestly not received a man like you, to comment on my blog. I am about to re-post your comment on my actual blog right now. Interesting....
Forever Fabulous, The Single Dame |
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On April 21, 2010, 10:50 am msbnmd says:
@The Single Dame: This blog was a true "Come to Jesus" moment for me. Rarely, and I don't mind saying it, do I read a blog that I think is as gritty, honest, and as precise to my story this one here. I'm selective about those words and don't say them often.
Thank You. Dauuuyyyymmmm!!!! I'm speechless. All I can say is: YOU BETTA FUCKIN' PREACH!!!! And No, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE! -ms.b |
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On April 21, 2010, 11:06 am SingleDame says:
@msbnmd *Blushing* Thank You Ma!!!!!!!!! I'm so damn happy you could identify with aspects of my blog! If you loved this blog, check my blog archives! www.TheSingleDame.blogspot.com
It's an honor to have you as a new member of my Blog Fam! WELCOME! Forever Fabulous, The Single Dame |
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On April 21, 2010, 11:31 am Wood says:
Like MSB, I like your honesty. I'm accused of be "harsh", and a bit on the abrasive side, but like your blogs, your words are no harsher than reality.
But I know the DWood's of the world are just as bad... Loid knews. See, unlike The Fuck Buddy, the dwood's of the world not only want your loving, but we also want your heart and your precious time, during the time when you value it the most... your child bearing years... and the time when you really want a man to call your own. The "Fuck Buddies" of the world got nothing over the Dwoods of the world. Think about it... when they are done with the Fuck Buddies, the come to us, but when they done with us, they are so thrown for a romantic loop, they either go celibate, women, or they will try the White Man... we are that bad SD. If the Sista-hood of the world only knew how man times they have spent years in relationships that was doomed from the start, only to pull their hair out trying to save and salvage a relationship that was DOA. |
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On April 21, 2010, 11:46 am odia10 says:
@singledame i know and understand for sure how you feel...i have been down that road many times,even as i write memories just flood my head.
But do you know that if one never loves them selves they can never love another.there is no crime in being single and i cant see why you cant be another person's poison...trust me i know the feeling,but your inability to free yourself may just bring your worse night mares to past. Defeat your fears by facing them head on,take time out to discover you more,take time out to discover more about our world and see how life is beautiful and yet full of irony. From all i have read you are attractive but the need for the poison may have just made you unattractive... If i have made any hurtful statements i apologise... |
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On April 21, 2010, 11:49 am MsValleyG says:
@Dame: While I can't relate to your story or concept of the FB, I commend you for being so real and honest. This is an eye opener & honestly I know what you mean about being/feeling lonely & sometimes resorting to settle due to desperation (more so despair of being alone). I hope you're able to escape sooner than later as to not cause any further damage to yourself. YOU are the most important factor here. He'll continue to use you as long as you allow him to. (Honestly, I almost found myself in a similar place/predicament @ the beginning of last year. However, I immediately decided to walk away b/c the relationship would not work. And I'm a firm believer that instant gratification is temporary & it does not equate lasting happiness.)
@Mass: I agree. It can and often does become a viscious cycle & we essentially are left feeling 'unfulfilled' & unhappy which in essence does not equate to being content. Again great blog @Dame! Real, staunch & raw. Thanks for sharing... |
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On April 21, 2010, 11:55 am odia10 says:
@Dame have been to your blog...am a fan...
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On April 22, 2010, 6:26 pm Dashon says:
Dame: I think anyone (M/F) that has been single for any length of time can relate to what you're saying. Some folks will sugar-coat it by saying they were in an on again/off again "relationship", when it actuality it was no more than a FB situation. Call a spade a spade.
Been there....done that. I've spoken (on this site) about my experience with a similar situation...but my reason for not jumping off that merry-go-round sooner was the sex. I fondly refer to him as "sexual crack". Took me 3 years to stop dealing with his behind....and I knew within the first year that he was not The One. (LOL) Stay strong Sis....it gets better! |
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On April 23, 2010, 7:38 am femmeamoured says:
Woa, woa now. You say you have a fuck buddy. Easy on putting him out, hold your horses. Is 'the one' really real? If so can't you wait for him to show up then get rid of your fuck buddy. I don't think you are being fair to your buddy or yourself. Your young, you'll do something with your insecurities. Huh? Your aware of them. Don't put your buddy out too quickly go head on and enjoy that loving. You have to keep the buddy. The one will save you from your life of sin. You have to keep your buddy. You don't want the one to come to save you and your buddy not be around. Do you?
YOu little negative thinker you. Poison? Desperate? Harsh words. Remember the power of positive thinking. Flaw? There you go again. Why are you trying to sabotage your good fortune? Et tou? No, no, your buddy is just a part of your purpose in life. He's got you reading between the lines and seeing clearer. Look gifts and talents abound. Be thankful for your little buddy. You are having fun. He seems much more than a 'fuck buddy', but who I am. Just be easy before letting him go, unless you got a good doctor friend who can give you pills for the anxiety that your mind will go through and pills for the withdrawl that your body will go through. Now remember, no more negative thinking, positive thinking. Breathe and call him later on tonight. |
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On April 23, 2010, 8:04 am MassAppeal says:
@Femme
And good morning to you too..lol. I'm sitting here just shaking my head getting caught up with these blogs. I go from Dashon's "where's my libido" to your encouragement saying to be thankful for Dames little buddy. I'm heading to your blog site to really see what's up with you. |
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On April 23, 2010, 8:13 am femmeamoured says:
good Mass I would love that. Please see what's up with me. I sent you a message I want a response. LOL
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On April 23, 2010, 8:19 am MassAppeal says:
@femme
Check your inbox in a few. I'll handle that right now. |
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On April 23, 2010, 8:35 am Substance says:
Dame, I agree with Odia! Take some time out to get to know self, LOVE self.
I was in your situation in my younger years! Its funny to hear some of the ladies admit to it being the sex that "held them". I must admit I must have really been out of my mind because it wasn't really that good. Partly because he just wasn't and a large portion of sex being such a mental act for me......and he was not in my mental! The idea of "having someone" was so that's the only reason the cat got wet!!!! At some point, I got tired of the revolving"back" door, realized there was still a hugh VOID there- lerking around in the back yard and I dug my self-worth out somewhere in between. Your honesty will truly set you free, the first step to solving a problem is to admit there is one.....you are on your way!!!! |
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On April 23, 2010, 9:22 am msbnmd says:
@All: Is it possible that we are looking at the writer and not the content? Sure, we could read this blog as an aspect of the writer...but true writing is supposed to help us to look within...fellas....you mean to tell me that you never got caught up with a chick who had that good p**!y and in every other way she wasn't for you but you kept going back? Hardly, men get sprung too!
So why do we look to the writer, point the finger, and not evaluate and see if we've been in this situation? Funny, it's easier to say what someone else should be thinking rather than reflecting....I'm juss sayin... -ms.b |
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On April 23, 2010, 9:41 am MassAppeal says:
@MsB
"Funny, it's easier to say what someone else should be thinking rather than reflecting" I'm not mad at that at all. As much as I've been blasted for coming off as a player through my blogs, my goal is to provide insight to the mind of what some men think (even though I thought my 10 Player Commandments Blog was mad creative). But that's how I take Wood's comments..no matter what we think, there's so many men out there that think like him. That's why I respect Dame and Dashon and a few others because they keep it 100 and you know they've been through some situations not just offering random opinions. I prefer to hear from experiences but I like how everyone has a story to tell. Some people write blogs to see if others can relate or have similar stories not always to be told if we're right or wrong. But to answer your question if I ever been whipped before? |
It's interesting how you broke down the role of a FWB and how they really impact the need of finding and maintaining a true Significant Other. At times we do get them confused. We dress up the situation knowing there's no emotional connection and no feelings at all but we disguise this situation because we still receive the "benefits', attention, affection and the companionship we may desire out of a true SO but deep down they could never fill that void of a what a true SO coud offer. We play along anyway because all of the aforementioned needs we have are being met.
When all of us probably had many opportunities to bring eligible, good people into our lives, we pass and continue to fall back to our FB and the benefits they offer and continue to say we can't find mates that fit our criteria and preferences but our FWB's are everything that we're really not looking for. Problems is we're content and sexually satisfied thus leaving us in this viscious cycle of being single with a FWB and still leaving that huge void of what a true SO can fill... unfulfilled.