July 29th 2010
Too Selfish, Too Stuck in Our Single Ways and Too Many Excuses
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by RickGeez on January 3, 2010, 12:25 pm in Dating
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76 comments |
Does it seem at times that brothers and sisters work more against each other than trying to prove and act like we value and have interest in one another? Does it seem like we're more worried about being the one trying to gain the upper hand in a new situation or even trying too hard to be the one with the most impressive resume or the one who ultimately wins the "game"? Have you ever been that sister who stated in her early 20's that wanted a man 6'5 but as you got older "lowered" your standards to consider a man 6'0? Or the best one yet is the claim that sisters lower their chances at a successful relationship by 25% with a man if they just happen be a homeowner. To keep this balanced is there some truth that as brothers we are intimidated by sisters who are well accomplished because we're quick to crossover thinking other ethnic groups would be easier? Collectively is it just me or am I hearing these reasons and creative facts why people are still single as just excuses and is this talk about our differences becoming too overwhelming?
For me personally I had to stop listening to other single people and began seeking feedback from ex girlfriends and other married men I've known for some time. One ex girlfriend ironically served as a great resource as she blatantly and simply stated I was stuck in my own single ways..with single habits....good and bad. She mentioned as people grow older, we're less willing to compromise certain aspects of our lives. Some may call it "not settling" but in reality we continue to think and act "single" or even as far as subconsciously acting selfishly. We've become selfish with our time or even selfish with expressing our own feelings and thoughts. Not saying we shouldn't give up our own individuality but how do we learn to look at possible relationships as a partnership, a team, a union and how we can "compliment" each others lifestyles rather than viewing it as "settling"? She suggested rather than using a pre-determined "criteria" for seeking a particular woman, realize every woman has something unique to bring to the table and every woman prefers to be "loved' in a different way. She asked if I was taking the time to learn how to build these partnerships or have I ever looked at this from a team perspective versus a "me" and a "mine" mentality? Not talking specifically from just a financial or a superficial view but even my own feelings. What makes me vulnerable or even being honest with my own insecurities. Some of us men hold on to that information closely and only a few women will ever be privy to the info. She asked if I lost my willingness to be transparent like how I was with her in the past or was I more interested in what a woman can do for me rather than focus on the mutual responsibility of cultivating the overall relationship.
During our discussion we concluded on several points. Building a team, a partnership and even a foundation with a current or potential significant other is no different than building a company. Each successful company has a mission statement and principles that they abide by to keep focused on the ultimate objectives of the company. These same methods should apply when building relationships. Two people need to come together and decide what are the few most important principles they are trying to work towards and protect together. I even read recently where Melanie wrote in one of her blogs that the main principle of her relationship with her man is to "protect each others hearts". Very profound...serves as the main focus as they build and grow their relationship. By having a relationship mission statement it holds each other person accountable for the other persons hearts or the specific committment you two have made. Just that simple. Any actions or occurrences that don't apply to that "mission statement" should be deemed irrelevant or a deal breaker. The mission statement should serve as the ultimate foundation.
This all should even apply during the beginning stages of dating as two people grow together but realize that the overall goals and objectives of the relationship can even be short and long term then re-evaluated as the foundation becomes more valued, stronger and when trust and respect is earned. By now you've heard me blog about dating with a purpose. I often have to check myself if I'm dating or spending time with someone I can't see on the long term tip. It's simply not fair to either one of us. You may even hear people comment that when they begin to date someone new they may say "we're just going with the flow or whatever happens, happens". In my opinion that could be a gift and a curse. When it's obvious there's a mutual interest between the two of you, background and Google checks have been completed and your interests and commonalities compliments each others lifestyles... rather if it's after 2 weeks or 90 days... going with the flow in some situations probably helps manage certain expectations but on the other hand by just "going with the flow or going by "whatever happens, happens" could lack some focus and direction towards building the type of foundation and relationship you're trying to grow. Ultimately mixed signals are given off and the two of you begin to venture off into two different directions. This is when the breakdown of communication and drama begins.
FH: Have you ever dated anyone and point blank asked them "what are we doing here...Where is this headed?" How many times have you seen the other person balk, become hesitant or just simply bounce from situation all together because they were unwilling to answer the question? How many times have you been reluctant to ask that same question because you were afraid to get the answer you were looking for? By asking these questions wouldn't that hold the other person accountable to what you are trying to accomplish in a relationship? Save yourself some time and energy by being direct and build your new partnership based on a purpose, principles or even a "mission statement" that benefits both people involved.
For me personally I had to stop listening to other single people and began seeking feedback from ex girlfriends and other married men I've known for some time. One ex girlfriend ironically served as a great resource as she blatantly and simply stated I was stuck in my own single ways..with single habits....good and bad. She mentioned as people grow older, we're less willing to compromise certain aspects of our lives. Some may call it "not settling" but in reality we continue to think and act "single" or even as far as subconsciously acting selfishly. We've become selfish with our time or even selfish with expressing our own feelings and thoughts. Not saying we shouldn't give up our own individuality but how do we learn to look at possible relationships as a partnership, a team, a union and how we can "compliment" each others lifestyles rather than viewing it as "settling"? She suggested rather than using a pre-determined "criteria" for seeking a particular woman, realize every woman has something unique to bring to the table and every woman prefers to be "loved' in a different way. She asked if I was taking the time to learn how to build these partnerships or have I ever looked at this from a team perspective versus a "me" and a "mine" mentality? Not talking specifically from just a financial or a superficial view but even my own feelings. What makes me vulnerable or even being honest with my own insecurities. Some of us men hold on to that information closely and only a few women will ever be privy to the info. She asked if I lost my willingness to be transparent like how I was with her in the past or was I more interested in what a woman can do for me rather than focus on the mutual responsibility of cultivating the overall relationship.
During our discussion we concluded on several points. Building a team, a partnership and even a foundation with a current or potential significant other is no different than building a company. Each successful company has a mission statement and principles that they abide by to keep focused on the ultimate objectives of the company. These same methods should apply when building relationships. Two people need to come together and decide what are the few most important principles they are trying to work towards and protect together. I even read recently where Melanie wrote in one of her blogs that the main principle of her relationship with her man is to "protect each others hearts". Very profound...serves as the main focus as they build and grow their relationship. By having a relationship mission statement it holds each other person accountable for the other persons hearts or the specific committment you two have made. Just that simple. Any actions or occurrences that don't apply to that "mission statement" should be deemed irrelevant or a deal breaker. The mission statement should serve as the ultimate foundation.
This all should even apply during the beginning stages of dating as two people grow together but realize that the overall goals and objectives of the relationship can even be short and long term then re-evaluated as the foundation becomes more valued, stronger and when trust and respect is earned. By now you've heard me blog about dating with a purpose. I often have to check myself if I'm dating or spending time with someone I can't see on the long term tip. It's simply not fair to either one of us. You may even hear people comment that when they begin to date someone new they may say "we're just going with the flow or whatever happens, happens". In my opinion that could be a gift and a curse. When it's obvious there's a mutual interest between the two of you, background and Google checks have been completed and your interests and commonalities compliments each others lifestyles... rather if it's after 2 weeks or 90 days... going with the flow in some situations probably helps manage certain expectations but on the other hand by just "going with the flow or going by "whatever happens, happens" could lack some focus and direction towards building the type of foundation and relationship you're trying to grow. Ultimately mixed signals are given off and the two of you begin to venture off into two different directions. This is when the breakdown of communication and drama begins.
FH: Have you ever dated anyone and point blank asked them "what are we doing here...Where is this headed?" How many times have you seen the other person balk, become hesitant or just simply bounce from situation all together because they were unwilling to answer the question? How many times have you been reluctant to ask that same question because you were afraid to get the answer you were looking for? By asking these questions wouldn't that hold the other person accountable to what you are trying to accomplish in a relationship? Save yourself some time and energy by being direct and build your new partnership based on a purpose, principles or even a "mission statement" that benefits both people involved.
Join the conversation, add your comment76 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On January 4, 2010, 11:51 am RickGeez says:
@Intro
I feel you brother. Through speaking to several people regarding living and being comfortable with their single ways...times and how people view marriage is different. As we get older and accomplish a great deal single handidly more through our careers, buying homes by ourselves, the option of dating for companionship (when needed)..people are become unwilling (subconsciously) to allow just anyone to interfere with this type of lifestyle. If you can't enhance what they're already doing on their own, some may view it as settling. In my opinion... no matter what someone achieves or how tight their resume may be...there's still that empty void they can never fill by being single. |
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On January 4, 2010, 11:57 am IntroSpectiv says:
@ Rick
That's my problem in 2010....all that reflecting and growing up mentally I've been doing since 2000 hasn't really gotten me anything in terms of filling that void caused by a general lack of knowing what love is and what it feels like. Out of the past 10 years, I've spent about nine of them alone. And when I say I have a void to fill, it's not just relationships I'm lacking. It goes a lot deeper than that. Some of the most simple stuff even single people get to experience on a regular basis is foreign to me. |
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On January 4, 2010, 12:10 pm RickGeez says:
@Intro
Brother all I can say is be ready for it when it comes. Only you can define what love means to you. Finding it is one thing...being able to build and culitvate a relationship on that level is an entirely different game. It gets more complex if you let it..... |
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On January 4, 2010, 12:33 pm aurora1990 says:
Happy New Year, Rick! To answer your question, yes and that is why I am currently single. There was no answer given, only the promise of a discussion that never came. So I walked (this was very recent). I figure if we can't discuss what we're doing/where we're going after almost a year and a half then that's the answer, feel me? So that's that...
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On January 4, 2010, 1:39 pm RickGeez says:
@Aurora
Happy New Yr sister. I've been on both sides of the table with this one. These few questions definitely forces one to be accountable for what they say or they know it's time to step because their hand has been forced (which it shouldn't get to this point in the first place). The problem is that we're hesistant to ask those tough questions thinking over time things will be more obvious but we're cheating ourselves by just "going with the flow" and that's how we end up back in the infamous gray area if we allow it go there. Look forward to reading some of your upcoming blogs. |
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On January 4, 2010, 4:09 pm MakStar says:
Happy New Year If not Now then WHEN? 2010!!
I'm BACK. Love this post RICKGEEZ. WOW WOW WOW. Your friend Michelle us on point and she shoulds like she has reached a point in her life where she ain't playin games at all and she is down to business. This is like something out of a book. This is ABSOLUTLY Great stuff. I am going to have to apply this to dating. I've tried with the 20 questions but how do you REALLY get to the meat and potatoes of how to setup, lay, and secure the foundation. Cause a house built on sand wont last. I'm going to post about the men I spoke about in my Office Dating is Back: Go Hard or Go Home Blog!!! One of the men is OUT specifically for that reason. Tooo set in his single ways and uses too many excuses to really get what he says he wants "me" and ultimately "a wife". |
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On January 4, 2010, 4:46 pm RickGeez says:
@MakStar
Thank you sister and Happy New Year to you as well. I hope this all works out for you. You question how to build a foundation? That's exactly what makes all of this real tricky. What may be important to someone else will totally be different than the next. Take your time and get to know these brothers to find out what's important to them also. As men, we look to see if a woman really has a genuine interest of getting to know us but some are just trying to meet their own personal needs and voids and the proper foundation is never built mutually. So when times get rough things fall apart quickly. |
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On January 5, 2010, 12:19 pm Visionary says:
FH: Have you ever dated anyone and point blank asked them "what are we doing here...Where is this headed?"
First off let me start by saying Happy New Year FH! Rick let me just say...this blog was so on point! I was going through this last year and I asked where was "this headed". Let me back track for a second. I met someone as I think was indicated in one of my posts and "we" decided to "go with the flow". In all honesty I followed his lead to avoid pressure of any kind of emotional attachment just in case he wasn't on the same page. I think your right about people holding back and playing it safe to avoid getting hurt. I seriously don't understand why we choose to waste time on situations that we know will not progress. Perhaps its the fear of being alone and we are "settling" for the moment until we run into the right one. Anyways, I came to a point where I was just tired. It was almost a year and there was nothing. The same ole "we're cool" but no discussion of where "this" whatever it was, was headed. I made the decision to separate myself purposely, I knew that playing this sort of game was only going to result in someone getting hurt. This person is of course cool as a friend but other than that, I know for a fact that we just don't belong together and I need a little more at this point in my life. I can honestly say, I should have said what I wanted up front. I'm not saying that anything was anyone's fault but I think today, we all just play the game to see what the outcome will be rather that set the mission and proceed from there. |
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On January 5, 2010, 1:41 pm Dr_Grant says:
Damn Young Geezy...you just came out gates with a triple double on this one! I agree, conceptually, with all of your points. But, the salient, reality-based, surgical, and methodical plan for a successful relationship is very difficult to implement - when 1 or both are A. Sprung B. Damaged goods(in a shell) C. Shady D. All of the above.
Stay vigilant my brotha....and keep grindin'...he/she is out(somewhere) |
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On January 5, 2010, 8:07 pm JustAThought says:
Very insightful. Yes, I've had that conversation, and while the outcome wasn't what I'd planned, it let me look at the situation objectively and respect the person for being honest.
I do think people do a lot of stuff to let people only get so far, out of fear of being hurt, out of being stuck in their ways, out of selfishness, and out of a host of other reasons. I think people need to focus less on blame pointing, more on listening (to themselves and to others, and being a kind and compassionate person. |
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On January 6, 2010, 12:18 pm RickGeez says:
@Dr. Grant
Thanks brother. I would agree it does sound rather methodical but I'm sure some sister you've known in the past has tried or even held you accountable for all your actionsby applying these very same methods? Look forward to hearing about how you handled those situations. @JAT & Visionary It's good that you two were able to challenge these brothers about their intentions. Even though these brothers we're unable to provide what you were looking for what would you two be accountable for regarding why the relationships didn't work out? Also, do you feel sisters use timeframes such as being with someone for a year or 3 years as automatically equating to where two people should be "heading" in a relationship or do you communicate with these brothers about the the path you all took to get to that current point or do you just ask what's ahead? Would that even be fair to these brothers? |
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On January 6, 2010, 2:08 pm Dashon says:
Hey Rick: HNY!
To answer your question...yes, I have been guilty of wanting the committed relationship without having to let go of my single ways (e.g., freedom, sharing my space, etc.)...obviously that issh won't work (lol). Most importantly, I was dodging "doing the work" necessary to build the type of partnership you spoke of. Fear of being hurt, played or whatever factored into that, but I think my desire to hold on to certain aspects of my single-hood was the biggest factor of all, so I wouldn't ask the question. My grandmama told me: "Never ask questions about something you don't plan on doing anything about."...so I just went with the flow, and it was okay....Then. Well, in case you haven't caught my latest blog...I'm in a different space, and I'm ready to do the work...ready to date with a purpose. As such, I will mos definitely be asking the question: "What do you want?" "Where are we going with this?" Not trying to waste my time or theirs....ya feel me? |
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On January 6, 2010, 2:39 pm RickGeez says:
@Dashon
Happy New Year sister! Being conscious about your single ways and willing to put in the work are the first few steps. I ask a few brothers last night about how they felt when sisters asked these very same questions. Interesting enough a good number of them thought that sisters tend to ask these questions when it was only convenient for them or at a time when a sister has finally started taking the brother seriously after months or even some years of courting. What are you thoughts about this perspective? |
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On January 6, 2010, 2:57 pm Visionary says:
What would you two be accountable for regarding why the relationships didn't work out?
Actually, I addressed where I was wrong as far as not communicating with him on how I felt. When I WAS open is when I got the okeydoke. Its all good...I really don't think this brotha was ready to settle down...well at least not with me. I just wish he would have been up front in the beginning if he wasn't interested in me seriously. Do you feel sisters use timeframes such as being with someone for a year or 3 years as automatically equating to where two people should be "heading" in a relationship or do you communicate with these brothers about the the path you all took to get to that current point or do you just ask what's ahead? I think this really varies. I was dealing with the guy almost a year and expected to hear something verses "we're just cool." If you are spending a lot of time with someone I would think that its grounds to discuss what's going to happen in the near future. Its not added pressure and its not necessarily saying you're going to "jump" into a relationship, its more of a status check of where you are with someone to avoid confusion. Would that even be fair to these brothers? Honestly, it is fair. Its about holding people accountable. Someone needs to step up and put in work and not just one person assuming responsibility and thinking the other will follow suit. We all get confused at one point or another when dealing with someone and what path we're going down. I'm sure guys get to a point where they question if this is someone they want to continue to date after the 4th or 5th month. Its my understanding that guys pretty much know from the jump what they want. Am I wrong? If you dont say what you want then people will ride it out until the wheels fall off. |
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On January 6, 2010, 3:43 pm JustAThought says:
What would you two be accountable for regarding why the relationships didn't work out?
Really, I wanted something the other person didn't and tried to shove it down their throat. My singular focus made the other person uncomfortable, and put a lot of unnecessary pressure on both of us. Although we ended amicably, I felt the relationship was short changed because of it. Do you feel sisters use timeframes such as being with someone for a year or 3 years as automatically equating to where two people should be "heading" in a relationship or do you communicate with these brothers about the the path you all took to get to that current point or do you just ask what's ahead? I'm not going to be with someone for two or more years without a clear goal of where it is going. You may not marry that person, and you may not find that out until year 4, but before that there should be a conversation about where both of you are headed. Maybe the outcome of that first conversation is that you both want a committed relationship as opposed to talking about matrimony, but there needs to be some clear direction. Kicking it is cool, if that's what you both want. But I like having a man that's a partner, and who in due time could grow into being a husband. If you don't want those things, then it's best we not even start dating. Or, if a year down the road you are absolutely certain that you cannot see yourself with me, then by all means leave me be so I can move on with my life. @ Visionary: " Its my understanding that guys pretty much know from the jump what they want. Am I wrong? If you dont say what you want then people will ride it out until the wheels fall off. " Cosign |
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On January 6, 2010, 6:00 pm RickGeez says:
@JAT & Vsionary
Both of you have made some valid points. Addtionally you both are absolutely correct when saying brothers do and should know what they want from the jump and we expect the same from sisters as well. If we feel we're being played as just another option, a back up role or not being taken seriously intially and upfront within the first month or two, it's going to be rather difficult to ever connect with us mentally and emotionally. We become disengaged and asking us where a situation is headed "after the fact" the sister is usually setting herself up unless you were giving him 100% from the get go and you knew what you wanted from him, expressed it and followed through with it. If you weren't on that level in the beginning how could you be mad at that brother for not recipricating the same feelings when it became time to dicuss the direction of the relationship? |
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On January 6, 2010, 7:29 pm Wood says:
Rick, I've always claim to be romantically flexible and adaptable like a Racoon to any environment... I never had a destination, just peace and companionship. I didn't always know what I was going to do, but I knew right away what I wasn't going to do...lol. I've always kept an open mind and even though, I enjoyed being single, I have never allowed myself to get "stuck" or fixated in a certain mental position for the most part.
@ Vision: I think we had a discussion along those line regarding your dating methodology... I told you so...lol. He handled the situation exactly how I would have handled it. Your type of relationships are the best ones to be in, and even though he made up his mind not to be in anything very serious with you way before you made your selection and eliminated the other brothas you were dating; all he has to do is wait a year or two for you to bring up the subject to telling you the real deal, and he is actually off the hook... you can't even be mad at him. You look at it like it just didn't work out, but in reality, many brothas already know you didn't have anything coming from the get-go. If I'm not mistaken, there have be quite a few sistas on FH who ran against the same wall with predictable results on the man's part... that is how we handle it. |
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On January 6, 2010, 8:30 pm MassAppeal says:
@Wood
Is this the same cat Vision was talking about a month or so ago from one of my blogs? I think it was Dating is A Game blog..not sure. Vision I thought you even admitted that you carried over a few options before you even began to start taking this cat seriously and even admitted to playing some games along the way. Sounded like this dude was done with this situation way back then and now you want to claim you're purposely seperating yourself and even posted a lil pic of yourself. Definitely a cutie but based on your comments before, this dude was done awhile back as it appeared he knew you didn't take him seriously like Wood said. All I know is im playing every potential good woman straight up in 2010. All these games. Vision I just hope you made all these same comments to him directly and to his face versus speaking through this social media site. That woudn't be cool and that woud justify why he only just said "we're cool". That's the problem with dating it's become so impersonal through Facebook, IM'ing, texting and emailing. Bout to take it back to old school basics of dating this year. |
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On January 7, 2010, 8:38 am Wood says:
Yeah Mass. What I find very peculiar, is that she still doesn't realize that it really isn't a situation with this particular man, but had there been ten men to select from; with the way she goes about dating, she would have more than likely been in the exact same dilemma with either one of them. I truely feel that it is this dating habit and other actions which has more impact on the adverse romantic outcome and fraustrations that many sistas find themselve, expecially with brothas whom they find more appealing.
That brotha didn't really give her a serious title. "We're cool" isn't much, but it was very appropriate based on what he was dealing with. |
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On January 7, 2010, 11:58 am Visionary says:
@ Rick : If you weren't on that level in the beginning how could you be mad at that brother for not recipricating the same feelings when it became time to dicuss the direction of the relationship? Honestly, I’m not even mad. I never said I wasn’t wrong for not immediately coming out with how I felt about him or not really taking him seriously. I am however a little confused at how after months of kickin it that anytime I would do a status check, there was no seriousness there. He really wasn't ready and he was basically getting all of my free time. Like I said, regardless of my initial behavior I still had the right to know what path I was headed down with this guy verses just being led by the nose for almost a year. That’s a waste and nothing really came out of it. We all are entitled to make a bad call here and there, no one is perfect and I never said I was. |
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On January 7, 2010, 12:02 pm Visionary says:
@ Wood: "I think we had a discussion along those line regarding your dating methodology... I told you so...lol. He handled the situation exactly how I would have handled it." I’m really trying to understand if you’re purposely thinking that this is funny or you’re just relishing in the fact that this didn’t work out. Either way, it’s a bit childish and everyone deserves to learn a lesson here or there. I never said that I was right and we all grow up eventually. Having options whether it be one or two in the beginning doesn’t justify someone playing games when you are up front and honest with them after that month or two. This guy knew from the jump he wasn’t the only guy I was going out with but he chose to stick around. After I saw that he was serious, that’s when I cut people. Never lied to him. |
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On January 7, 2010, 12:05 pm Visionary says:
@ MASS: "I thought you even admitted that you carried over a few options before you even began to start taking this cat seriously and even admitted to playing some games along the way. Sounded like this dude was done with this situation way back then and now you want to claim you're purposely seperating yourself and even posted a lil pic of yourself." Never played games, so don’t ASSUME I did. If he was DONE he should have left me the hell alone point blank. And if he was so done…he wouldn’t have continued to hit me up. So what are you saying exactly? And, I was the one that chose to separate myself. I didn’t call, didn’t text, didn’t agree to see him anymore, nothing. Communication ceased on this end. There is no need to deal with someone who is clearly unsure of what they want. Regardless of what YOU think Mass I am a good woman. You only see what I want you to see on here...you don't know the entire story nor do you need to know. If you did, I think you would see things a little differently. Don't assume the woman is always the bad guy. |
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On January 7, 2010, 12:08 pm Visionary says:
@ Mass: "I just hope you made all these same comments to him directly and to his face versus speaking through this social media site. That woudn't be cool and that woud justify why he only just said "we're cool"." Yes, all of my comments were made to him directly and not everything I said to him was addressed on this site. Overall, our communication was off and he wasn’t trusting of me and neither was I of him. Could be possibly because of our past relationships, whose to say. There were a lot of issues that I don’t feel need to be addressed on this site but for me, it was a lesson learned and obviously, we just weren’t meant for one another. |
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On January 7, 2010, 12:23 pm RickGeez says:
@Visionary:
Sister if you can sum it all up what would be the reason why you had to all of sudden cease communication but you're now on this site rehashing everything? Just curious. If you two sat down and really hashed out these differences like you claim you did and the only reason I hear is because he only stated that you two were "just cool"..there seems to be some unresolved issues there sister. All I'm saying sister is if me and another lady I was involved with had a heart to heart conversation like two mature individuals face to face and even if we discussed that things wouldn't and couldn't progress any further she wouldn't be on a site spilling her guts out to strangers. Just out of pure respect for that brother...a brother you claim you once wanted more from. |
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On January 7, 2010, 12:37 pm Visionary says:
@ Mass & Wood: "What I find very peculiar, is that she still doesn't realize that it really isn't a situation with this particular man, but had there been ten men to select from; with the way she goes about dating, she would have more than likely been in the exact same dilemma with either one of them…That brotha didn't really give her a serious title. "We're cool" isn't much, but it was very appropriate." I AM still on the site! As far as I’m concerned this is the sort of thing that women try to avoid on this site. This is the second time you two have tried to tag team me on here. Don’t make me out to be a hoe because I am NOT and you two are definitely trying to make it look that way.
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On January 7, 2010, 12:40 pm Visionary says:
Continued....@ Mass &Wood: "What I find very peculiar, is that she still doesn't realize that it really isn't a situation with this particular man, but had there been ten men to select from; with the way she goes about dating, she would have more than likely been in the exact same dilemma with either one of them…That brotha didn't really give her a serious title. "We're cool" isn't much, but it was very appropriate." You two can’t tell me that you have given women your full attention within the first month and slid everyone else to the side you were dealing with. Like I said, dating and options and whatever else is a double standard. Men are so quick to judge and assume that a woman is seeing other people but in all honesty she may not be, she may just have you on ice to see if you are REALLY interested. I may not give you full play in the beginning, that’s how I am as an individual but based on how things progress you may get all my attention. You have to show me that you are really interested, when you show me, I reciprocate. It seems like you two are quick to take this guy’s side but you really have no clue as to what REALLY went down. So again, hold with the side talk. –THANKS! |
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On January 7, 2010, 12:52 pm Visionary says:
@Rick: "Sister if you can sum it all up what would be the reason why you had to all of sudden cease communication but you're now on this site rehashing everything? Just curious. If you two sat down and really hashed out these differences like you claim you did and the only reason I hear is because he only stated that you two were "just cool"..there seems to be some unresolved issues there sister. "
My only reason for ceasing communication was because there would have been a never ending cycle. The cease wasn't all of a sudden either. Its a little more to the story than I am willing to discuss..... I don't think I'm rehashing anything, just making comments based on my own experiences and trying to make sure Mass and Wood have the story straight. Please don't read more in to it then it really is... The guy is cool he just wasn't for me.... |
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On January 7, 2010, 1:20 pm RickGeez says:
@Visionary
"Men are so quick to judge and assume that a woman is seeing other people but in all honesty she may not be, she may just have you on ice to see if you are REALLY interested. I may not give you full play in the beginning, that’s how I am as an individual" What is having someone on "ICE" mean? I never heard that term or tactic before? I know you directed this question more towards Wood and Mass but you asked if they ever gave a woman their full attention within the first month or so? Sister I've given some of the best sisters I ever met my complete attention the very first night or even the first hour... just ask Aminah. Regardless if they even had other options or not, I let it be known and those situations actually led to meaningful relationships. Like I said in the other blog, the first 30 days are crucial and perhaps that delay for the first month or so is the reason he never allowed you to connect with him emotionally. Next time sister don't be afraid to play it straight up and not so cautiously from the start..Sometimes you only get one chance to really grab a mans heart. |
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On January 7, 2010, 1:21 pm Wood says:
Now Vision, I don't think you are a hoe or close to it, and no, I'm not laughing at you, but I can't help but be a little amused prevalent that your method of operation is amongst the sista-hood and them never having the slightest clue as to what is going on. The brothas in the "trenches" responds to sistas accusation of always wanting the chase, marriage phobic, etc, with completely different answers than what is in the media.
I mean, its like a person who can's stand cats, but every morning they place bowls of fish and milk on their front porch and get pissed off at the cats for being on their porch. To many of us brothas, we look at sistas actions like many are very determine in doing everything to get the romantic results that they can't stand. There could have been 100 brothas reading your story and everyone would have told you the same thing... you were really asking for it if you caught feeling or were expecting anything beyond a light and breezy sexual relationship. The guy is cool he just wasn't for me... Maybe or maybe not, but based on your dating method, there is no way of determining that. He could have been your perfect match and could have been looking for a serious relationship, but even those brothas would have more likely than not played you the same way... it is hard to get around this type of romantic result with they way you manage your romantic affairs. Nothing really changed in the game, except your expections. During your light and breezy years, all was cool, but now you and many other sistas want to romantically rise to the next level utilizing the same lame methods. |
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On January 7, 2010, 1:30 pm Visionary says:
@ Rick: "What is putting someone on "ICE" mean? I never heard that term or tactic before?"
These are actually my older female cousin's terms. Putting someone ice, not being pressed to answer or schedule dates etc. Just seeing how into you they really are. -They are all married....I can listen to someone's advice at least once. Doesn't mean it will work but whatever...I'm still young and have plenty of time. Everyone learns a lesson. I've learned mine and I do understand sometimes you do only have one chance to grab someone emotionally. Its understood, I have been extremely cautious about giving my full attention to someone. . I know the type of woman I am, the people who know me pretty well know the type of woman I am. I'm always asked why I haven't been snatched up yet. Reason being....CAUTION...as you addressed in another blog. We are all cautious instead of just jumping head first and worrying about everything else later. I am one who is guilty of being cautious. God will reveal my man to me when he's ready. If he's already revealed him and I missed my opp, if he's meant for me...he'll come back around. No worries here, there's somebody for everybody. |
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On January 7, 2010, 1:40 pm Wood says:
@Wood---you only know what I post on this site, you have NO idea who I am as a person or how I go about dating, you might want to chill with the side talk and assumptions. I honestly have no frustration with this situation, but I am a bit confused as to why guys are so quick to rule someone out and assume they have other “options” and you could be the only one. Is it really that a woman doesn't give you their full attention or is it something else? I don't know about any other woman butterahhh I have other business to attend to beside being laid up
Awwww baby, I'm not trying to jump all over you. ((((((Vision))))). I know it is very fraustrating, I've heard the stories. My girl got more than a few sista friends who are plumb mistified with the dating arena. |
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On January 7, 2010, 1:48 pm Visionary says:
@ Wood:"Maybe or maybe not, but based on your dating method, there is no way of determining that. He could have been your perfect match and could have been looking for a serious relationship, but even those brothas would have more likely than not played you the same way... it is hard to get around this type of romantic result with they way you manage your romantic affairs."
I assure you...he wasn't. And what dating method are you referring to? Having an option or two when I first meet someone? Might I add...option does not entitle you to a casual rendevous in the bedroom. I ASSURE you, I wasn't his "main" for the first few months and possibly even later than that. I'm sorry, you want me to sit around with my hands in my lap and turn down dates or the opp of getting to know someone else in the initial dating stage? No SIR! Later on...yes I turned down A LOT of dates and refused to answer calls and texts from other people and he witnessed that first hand. WITH NOT A TITLE IN SIGHT! So...whats that you were saying about my dating methods again? Cause, I still don't seem to understand....Oh yeah...When I meet a man and he "appears" interested...I should sit in the house with my hands in my lap and wait for him to call me. um...yeah okay! Come on now be real. We could go back and forth about the do's and don't but no one has ESP when it comes to dating and what someone really wants unless communicated. I think I've already covered this in saying...our communication was WAY off. I didn't address what I wanted from the jump and neither did he. Case closed. |
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On January 7, 2010, 2:02 pm RickGeez says:
@Visionary
I feel you sister and just by admitting that you are guilty of being cautious and holding back is a sign that you're being accountable for your own opportunities to learn and evolve. That's a start and some sisters wouldn't even admit that. Once you're willing to push aside being catious and hesitant, that's when you show you're willing to compromise for the benefit of building a true partnership with someone. I wish you the best this year sister.. |
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On January 7, 2010, 2:11 pm Wood says:
You two can’t tell me that you have given women your full attention within the first month and slid everyone else to the side you were dealing with. Vision, if a sista tells me that she has "friends" or "dating" without specific clarifcation, she is extemely unlikey to get past GF only status no matter how long we are in are relationship. We all know what "friends" and "dating" could mean, and that could without clarification is all that matters. Like I said, dating and options and whatever else is a double standard. Men are so quick to judge and assume that a woman is seeing other people but in all honesty she may not be, she may just have you on ice to see if you are REALLY interested. I hear you, but brotha are very unlikely to take that emotional risk. Just utilize your experiences and exposure and we both know what it could really mean... that "could" is all that matters.I may not give you full play in the beginning, that’s how I am as an individual but based on how things progress you may get all my attention. You have to show me that you are really interested, when you show me, I reciprocate. It seems like you two are quick to take this guy’s side but you really have no clue as to what REALLY went down. I'm a man also, and the only thing that another man needs to know is that your friend felt, was told by you, etc, that you have an interest in others, activily dating and the results can be predicted with exteme accuracy without any other specifics of who you are or who he is. With the way you handled your situation, you were running full speed against traffic as it pertains to the romantic interworking of most brothas... it is very unlikely to work out if you have expectation past BF/Gf. |
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On January 7, 2010, 2:46 pm Wood says:
Vision, with what you stated, what was about this guy that you would even bring up any relationship status? I mean, it is very hard to have a casual whatever and then turn around and try to establish a serious romantic relationship. I mean, you indicated that he may have had other women and also that you were dating along with him possibly sexing other women. It is extemely hard for a man to stop sexing one woman and be exclusive with another, unless the other sista give him major grief.
Personally, if I have serious intentions, I will date a sista and if she appears equally attracted to me, within about three weeks I will ask her if she want to date exclusively... this is for my next move only. I do that for specific reasons. Many women have other irons in the fire with other men and it is way too soon for them to get rid of anyone for someone they like, but hardly know... I know this, but I don't seriously date anyone who may be dating others. Three weeks is too soon to get rid of any FBs, etc for anyone who they like, but isn't proven... I don't date anyone who I think is sexing others. Most sistas will tell me "no", or something along those lines to let me know that they want to continue dating others... I have no problem with that, but I've just made a decision regarding what type if any future relationship with her. I know the sista-hood would love the option to keep a few brothas suspended in relationship mode until they make up their minds or finish doing whatever that many are known to do under the dating umbrella while other men are trying to be with them. The "wrench in the works" is when they catch feelings and realize the options are really not there for them. It will get better sista girl. One day soon the perfect brotha will come along and you guys will get married, have kids, and live happily every after. |
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On January 7, 2010, 3:17 pm Visionary says:
"Three weeks is too soon to get rid of any FBs, etc for anyone who they like, but isn't proven... I don't date anyone who I think is sexing others. Most sistas will tell me "no", or something along those lines to let me know that they want to continue dating others... I have no problem with that, but I've just made a decision regarding what type if any future relationship with her."
Okay...this whole FB deal just really isn't safe and anyone with any sort of respect for themselves wouldn't partake in this sort of thing. Sexing others and dating others....how can you truly show interest in one person if you are doing this sort of thing? Perhaps its just easier for me not to return a call or two for a date or something if I'm truly interested in someone else, idk. If I'm seriously into someone, I'm not going to encourage or engage in any side activities either. I was operating off of caution in this situation which was clearly a mistake. Everyone, at one time or another, has dealt with people cautiously. And the more we talk about this the more I'm seeing that men cautiously deal with women regardless. Looks as though the man is more sensitive emotionally than the women. Hmmmm..... Wood--you got to realize women out here aren't dealing with the Rick Geez types...we're dealing with a modernize Mass or should I say EX-Mass. They are hip to playing games and catching as many women as they can. They show initial interest in the beginning but it gets inconsistant as soon as someone else jumps on the scene. The only way he'll commit to her is if she's never been touched. It's gonna be pretty hard for a women to stay focused on someone that shows inconsistancies, not saying its not the same for a man but dang....really when will the madness end? |
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On January 7, 2010, 4:22 pm MassAppeal says:
@Vision
See I tried to be good today...I really did. First off I'm still the same Mass. Secondly I never promoted or condoned game playing through my blogs. My intent is to expose the type of games that are being played by both men and women alike. However I do want to commend you and your story as it has validated about 95% of my blogs from "Two Can Play That Game" to "Do I love You? Are You Serious" ( or in your case maybe I should retitle that blog to "We're Cool" to even my blog "U Can't Change a Players Game in the 9th inning" because waiting a full year to ask a man "where are headed?" is damn near similar to my latest blog entitled: Game Over! Now let me get back to finishing up my latest new blog entitled: "He's Just Not That Into You"...I'm sure you'll be able to relate- Stay Tuned! PS: Your old boy uh friend emailed and asked me to dedicate a blog to him in your honor called "On to The Next One!" He said he had a million ones to choose from..... |
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On January 7, 2010, 8:39 pm JustAThought says:
@ Rick:
I wasn't mad or surprised at his reaction, because I knew I was the one changing the terms of the relationship. It was more of a discussion of "do you wanna travel this road with me?" My question is, I have heard a lot of men say that they will relegate a woman to the back of the line if he feels that the woman is not giving 100%. However, how can you really even begin to know someone well enough to give them 100% within a month? How can you know you aren't just another bench warmer? Given the small amount of free time most adults have, a month is not enough time to figure out if that initial attraction can even sustain early dating. Sheesh, I guess a bunch of dudes will give up on me because I've become waaaayyy to cautious just to go all in after a date or two. Plus, right now I'm super busy so I don't have much time to devote to anything. |
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On January 7, 2010, 10:47 pm IntroSpectiv says:
@ Rick
" Have you ever been that sister who would state that in her early 20's she wanted a man 6'5 but as she got older she had to "lower" her standards to consider "settling" for a man 6'0?" Damn....I wonder how long it will take for women to lower that height requirement to 5'8"? Maybe when I'm like.....86 or something. (Shaking my head) |
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On January 8, 2010, 1:31 am Wood says:
@JAT: I forgot how long it took when dating my girl before I got the loving, but it was the longest I've ever waited for the loving, I know that. I wouldn't have seriously waited two week if I felt that there was other men in the picture. It if very important to let a man know early that you are dating him and him only. I know that is a delimma in itself, but if that guy is to have any serious intention, it is very difficult to leave a brotha hanging way out in left field then trying to bring him in later on down the road, because he has already made his move regarding you but you will likely be the last to know.
I believe the 100% is your focus towards him, as oppose to sharing your romantic focus with several brothas. If I have serious intention, I want to "flush" them out early during the dating process so I know what I'm dealing with. When I asked my girl whether she wanted to date exclusively, she stated "yes", and I was cool with a little waiting as long as she didn't have irons in the fire with another man. I've rarely had to ask that question because I knew with in the first 30 minutes of meeting her that nothing significant could come of any future relationship past BF/GF. I still remember kind of feeling this one sista during my "wanting to get married" years, when I ask her if she was seeing anyone, and she stated that she "date". I was trying to assertaing whether she was dating anyone, or just "dates", but she basically told me that the information was on a "a need to know bases". To me, I needed a clear answer because without one, I will shift my focus on another sista, and I did. I was surprise as hell to learn from her that she was really feeling me also, but her hasitation to be clear doomed any serious future relationship between us. I was in the market to get married, so I didn't get into another dead-end relationship with during those times. |
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On January 8, 2010, 8:12 am Dashon says:
"I ask a few brothers last night about how they felt when sisters asked these very same questions. Interesting enough a good number of them thought that sisters tend to ask these questions when it was only convenient for them or at a time when a sister has finally started taking the brother seriously after months or even some years of courting. What are you thoughts about this perspective?"
I can't speak for ALL women, however I believe that most of us ask those questions only after we determine that a guy is sincerely interested in us for something beyond a fling, or when we realize that we have grown to care about him beyond "just someone we're seeing". This usually happens as Vision pointed out...after we've seen "consistency" in his behavior over a period of time. The other side of this is FEAR, fear that asking that question will cause him to run, or change how he's dealing with us. Also fear that we'll put it out there before we're even clear what we want. Everybody has their own idea of when having the "Where are we headed?" discussion should take place. Ask too soon and you might abort the flow you're currently on, ask too late and you will find that you were the only one feeling that the relationship had a shot beyond a "friend" situation. Just my 2.5. |
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On January 8, 2010, 10:53 am Visionary says:
@ Mass: PS: Your old boy uh friend emailed and asked me to dedicate a blog to him in your honor called "On to The Next One!" He said he had a million ones to choose from....."
It's a little hard for me to believe that you know how to behave yourself on here Mass..... And um.....feel free to keep the messages from ole boy to yourself.There's no need to relay any messages as far as I'm concerned cause I clearly haven't answered the messages he's BEEN sending me directly. And as far as him being "ON TO THE NEXT ONE"...ha....if he was so on to the next....why is he passing messages? Oh...yeah cause I'm not answering directly. Hmmmm.... I could go deeper but that's near here or there......like I said, this was just a discussion on a situation and I was offering my two cents. Like I said...men are a BIT MORE sensitive then woman. |
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On January 8, 2010, 10:56 am Visionary says:
@ Dashon: "Everybody has their own idea of when having the "Where are we headed?" discussion should take place. Ask too soon and you might abort the flow you're currently on, ask too late and you will find that you were the only one feeling that the relationship had a shot beyond a "friend" situation."
Exactly...some of us just miss the boat and some of us are right on time. I guess its all a learning experience. |
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On January 8, 2010, 11:33 am RickGeez says:
@Dashon
Consistency is very important but those expectations may vary from one person to the next. Being consistent can mean one thing to you but totally something different to the next sister. Some may watch the frequency of calls while other may only be interested in the amount of time spent together. For yourself what would you consider as being consistent in the first month or two of dating? @ Intro Brother I hear your pain. That 6'0 height threshold has taken plenty of quality, eligible, good and complimentary.. need I say available brothers out the game with some of these sisters. I'm just as bad though as I prefer sisters with locks and naturals. We all need to adjust and be more open minded. @JAT I want to comment to your response but I just completed a blog that will answer some of those questions. Please look for it and I look forward to receiving feedback if possible... thanks sister. @ Visionary Brothers and sisters are equally sensitive. Your comment about the brother leaving messages was interesting. I had this same conversation with a sister last night and she mentioned how a good number of her ex's would continue to call her. She mentioned she was still cordial because there wasn't any ill feelings and she's pretty mature so there was no need to avoid them as all their issuws were resolved directly. But what made the convo with her so interesting was that she said even though they still called or continued to pursue it didn't hold any weight or value because those brothers didn't want anymore or anyless and just came to grips that she's just a "back pocket" sister to them regardless of the amount of times they called or send messages because she knew where she stood and no matter what the outcome was still be the same. |
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On January 8, 2010, 12:05 pm Visionary says:
@ Rick: "she's just a "back pocket" sister to them regardless of the amount of times they called or send messages."
This is the exact thing I DON'T want to deal with. It was clear I was a backpocket sista when he was dealing with me and NOW all of a sudden he has some rap for me? Come on now.... I don't feel like being contacted to pass his time in between time. I don't have any ill feelings just no time for games which is exactly what would have taken place had I have entertained the messages, calls, convo, etc. If I were to see him in the street, I would speak and keep it moving and he knows this. I just don't really feel the need to entertain conversation with someone that didn't really have it for me when things started to go south so why now? JMT. |
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On January 8, 2010, 1:02 pm RickGeez says:
@Visionary
Sister I feel you but I think at the same time you may have missed my point. After speaking with my home girl about ex's, it wasn't even about these brothers calling by having "rap" (interesting choice of word) or them even trying to get back with her at all but more about her not needing to play the "silent treatment" game. She felt it was very trivial and she's seen plenty of sisters play that game. The lesson she did learn was that sometimes things fall apart, sometimes people regroup and worst case scenario they end up friends. On one hand you can't say he would be a cool friend and on the other completely ignore him. You're just justifying his case as to why he chose a different direction in the first place. Being rude and bitter wouldn't help any matter. As much as I want to ignore my ex's for choosing another brother, I kill them with kindness. They all now get to see another side of me they wish they've seen before to be honest. . It keeps matters healthy and all in all they're still good friends. I would be lying to myself if I wanted something serious and to only turn around to say I won't even talk to them. I hate to burn bridges...you never know what comes back around no matter how much pain someone may have caused you in the past. As I've said in plenty of my recent blogs sometimes it's more about timing and circumstances more than someone not being a good person. |
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On January 8, 2010, 1:09 pm IntroSpectiv says:
@ Rick
I always found that it's often the women that might benefit from being more open minded. I've found that if you're not PERFECT, then you might as well pack it up when trying to get at a woman. |
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On January 8, 2010, 1:11 pm Visionary says:
@ Rick---
This is my last entry on this.... I completely get what you're saying. Perhaps her situation is different but my messages were clearly about rap, not just general conversation. I still have conversations with ex's, nothing wrong with it but they don't come at me as if there is something more. Contact with ex's is a once a week or once a month deal...and more on a "hey friend, how you been?" type deal. Definitely know not to burn bridges and I never hold a grudge towards anyone...not a cool thing to do. Ole boy knows this...he's good. I'm just not trying to respond to the "rap" texts. If he hit me on the humble would have been something different but it wasn't. |
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On January 8, 2010, 1:16 pm RickGeez says:
@Intro
Intro my brother the good thing about it is that Perfection can mean anything to anybody. One day a woman will see pefection out of you. Keep your head up brother. You know my motto...anything can happen at any time...will you be ready for it? Let's begin to embrace the oppportunity to keep growing and evolving. |
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On January 8, 2010, 1:24 pm IntroSpectiv says:
@ Rick
As much as I want to believe that, the overall message that I'm getting from the majority of women is that I am for some reason not what they are looking for. I wish I could get inside their heads and figure out what the reason for that is. LOL I'm ready for SOMETHING positive to happen. Just WAITING for it to actually happen is the unnerving part. |
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On January 8, 2010, 4:50 pm Dashon says:
"For yourself what would you consider as being consistent in the first month or two of dating?"
@Rick: I look more for consistency in the level of interest demonstrated, and consistency between what a man says, and what he actually does. When the interest level runs hot & cold, or he consistently says one thing but does another....I'm not inclined to keep it 100, because at that point, my conclusion is that neither is he. |
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On January 8, 2010, 5:49 pm Wood says:
@ Dashon: Why not ask him if he is willing to keep it "100% if that is what you want. If I really like a sista, I will provide the option of letting her know that I would like to date her and her only and whether she would like to do the same. All that mean is that we will focus on each other without outside distractions, and if it isn't working out, we can go our separate way. There is no adverse outcome to me, because if she doesn't, then I''m free to do as I choose. I must add, it is a one time, one way offer though... no changing of the mind down the road though, as far as I'm concern with good times and happy moments having no influence with changing the initual path of the relationship.
There appears to be this vacuum time period where as folks does alot of speculations, wondering, guesting, etc, instead of just stating what they really want, or at least asking what the other person expects or are seeking. |
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On January 9, 2010, 8:46 am Dashon says:
@Wood: If I'm interested in just dating HIM, I will say so...however Rick's question was about how I evaluate consistency. I have no problem with stating what I want...when I am clear about what that is.
"...as far as I'm concern with good times and happy moments having no influence with changing the initual path of the relationship." Its unrealistic to think that we will always know IMMEDIATELY or within the course of a couple of dates, whether we can see ourselves in a committed relationship with someone. Sometimes it is those "good times & happy moments" that help us realize that a man is good for us and that we enjoy his company enough that we will want HIM and only HIM. Just my 2.5. |
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On January 9, 2010, 10:01 am Wood says:
Its unrealistic to think that we will always know IMMEDIATELY or within the course of a couple of dates, whether we can see ourselves in a committed relationship with someone. That is so true and I would never ask for a commitment from a sista in such situations. Men/Women know pretty early whether they are interested or attracted to another, but many are afraid that even though they find the person appealing, they want to keep their eyes open for the infamous "better offer". In doing so, many will keep dating you, but hold you in a romantic suspense until they can sort through the various potentions. This can go on for months with plenty of money and time spent. If she is interested, she has a one shot, one way offer.
A sista doesn't have it like that to hold me in such a romantic state until she make up her mind... she has a matter of weeks. I would never give a sista an ultimatum or anything of such, but if I have serious interest in her, it will not last for long and risk the slightest chances of allowing a sista to string me along or dangle me out on a string emotionally, expecially with many having lovers on the down low while trying to come off as seeking serious commitments with brothas they feel have more to offer. Everybody is trying to run their program, and there is no way I'm going to allow some sista to get that off on me... I've seen what happen far too often. Sometimes it is those "good times & happy moments" that help us realize that a man is good for us and that we enjoy his company enough that we will want HIM and only HIM. Naaaa, there could be four of five guys in the mix and to this day, I have never held an interest, and especially a serious interest in any sista who had an interest in another man. Dashon, I hear what you are saying, but in most cases, it is rarely that innocent and pure in the dating game. |
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On January 9, 2010, 10:26 am Wood says:
P.S. Dashon, maybe we are looking at dating from opposing eyes, but I don't consider dating one person as being commited to that person. To me, it is just dating one person.
Dashon, I am astound that a sista will actually expect that any brotha wouldn't have several sistas who he was dating just like in Vision's example and expecting him not having multiple sistas who he was dating and a few of them being sexual with him sooner or later. That is a risky dating practice and I can assure you from experiences that it is a very easy way for a brotha to have multiple sistas he is seeing on several different levels... I've been there, and that is exactly how it happens. All it takes is one or several sistas catching feelings and want a relationship and now a brotha is a player juggling multiple sistas. As a brotha, I have no problem with the dating status quo, because like Vision's case, it is a no guilt way of have plenty of sistas in the mix that you are seeing, and all you have to do is tell them that you are not seeking any deeper commitment down the road when they bring up the issue and you are off the hook, and they can't even be mad at a brotha. I can almost guarantee you that if a sista leave a desirable brotha lingering out there too long in limbo, he is highly likely to get into something that he can't reverse or reel in. |
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On January 9, 2010, 10:31 am Wood says:
Correction: something that She can't reverse or reel in.
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On January 9, 2010, 1:07 pm MassAppeal says:
@Wood & Dashon
From mans view Wood is actually on point with his response. This scenario is exactly what my "Put Me in Coach" blog is about. Two people trying to date each other, one person keeps another on the bench rather if it's out of fear, caution, baggage ( or any other excuses) or probably (Like in Visions case)the woman had other cats she was deaing with while waiting to see what direction those relationships were headed. Once she realized those other options weren't working out or she got cut, then the woman wants to start taking option #2 seriously, start opening feelings, loving and then wants to secure option #2 by finally asking "where are we headed".What women don't understand is by then that option #2 has built up resentment, won't take you seriously but will play along if there's booty involved, but won't give you anymore than a "we're cool". So the point is unless you back up and be truthful to option #2 as to why he was on the bench in the first place, he'll never trust his emotions to that woman no matter how long the two may be together. Some women can't blame anyone but themseves in some cases Dashon. Ya feel me? |
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On January 9, 2010, 1:59 pm Dashon says:
@Mass: Yeah, I feel ya...we've had that discussion numerous times. My post challenged the notion that we (M/F) ALWAYS know from the rip how we feel about someone & how we see them being our lives.
We know there's an initial attraction, we also know where we are in our journey and how that relates to what we want (e.g., casual dating, marriage, etc.). What we don't know and can only find out after having some real interactions (e.g. w/o our masks) is whether or not we can see ourselves with them for a lifetime. Nobody likes to be the one that was under advisement and then not selected for duty...but it happens. No risk...no reward. While some in the "brothahood" may find it realistic to think that a person (M/F) would close the door to other potential opportunities, when the compatability of the new person on this scene is still an unknown factor. We learn the answer to this question by the quality, and in some cases, the quantity of the time spent together. Just "asking the right questions" and getting the answers that you want or desire, are not evidence of compatability. During the time we take to build a friendship (foundation) is when the characteristics that let a person (M/F) know....that yeah, this is the one [for me] becomes evident....ya feel me? |
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On January 9, 2010, 5:26 pm Wood says:
While some in the "brothahood" may find it realistic to think that a person (M/F) would close the door to other potential opportunities, when the compatability of the new person on this scene is still an unknown factor. We learn the answer to this question by the quality, and in some cases, the quantity of the time spent together. Ok, but since this is a very common theme, how does this very common situation keep repeating themselves? Even if the sista-hood feel that they have a value arguement regarding, can it really be expected that the brothas are going to make any adjustment to close such a desirable romantic "loop-hole" that allows them to come in and get the goods, then walk out the whole situation without a scratch?
As you already figured out, I'm not willing to blame the brothas on this. At what point is the other person that well known by the other that a clear measure of compatibilty is evident? Hell, it is very commonly known by the brothas that the sista-hood will give up the loving without such knowledged of compatibility about the potential S.O. Dashon, there are a whole lot of other factors that comes into play that are very significant in a man's disposition in witholding or putting his emotions on the line in your idealistically scripted situations... it doesn't go down like that. Many sistas dispises this behavior in men, but I contend that the way Vision's "friend" handled their relationship, is the best possible method of operation when faced with that type of situation. |
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On January 9, 2010, 10:47 pm Dashon says:
@Wood: Uh? (lol)
I say to each his own...everybody's gotta flow with what feels right for them. Regardless of the road we take, there will be challenges unique to those choices, and there will be things that affirm those choices. There is no ONE right way to date, just what's right for that individual....just my 2.5. |
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On January 10, 2010, 11:26 am Wood says:
Great points. I found it behooved me to approach the dating arena with a mind-set of flexibility, foresight, and also utilizing my knowledge of inate human and gender tendencies as it pertains to the emotions and the inner being. Sometimes, I try to share some insight into how romantic issue are often times handled by many brothas regarding common actions or behaviors that we receive from the sistas.
As a man, I found it very important to at least acknowledge social tendencies/stigmas, mental stage, possible reactions, etc of the sistas as a group, and how my dating actions may generate or effect their behavior towards me. I long realized that I had to understand, learn to work within, and mentally accept certain gender, emotional difference along with the expections that comes along with them in order to be effective in the dating arena. There is no one way to date, but just like dropping out of High School and hanging out in the streets... certain outcomes can be highly predicted and expected. |
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On January 10, 2010, 7:22 pm MassAppeal says:
@Dashon "While some in the "brothahood" may find it realistic to think that a person (M/F) would close the door to other potential opportunities, when the compatability of the new person on this scene is still an unknown factor."
How can a person take you seriosuly about getting to know you if they see you have other open doors open a the same time? Why keep adding more options if you have a genuine interest of getting to know someone? What happened to the doors when you jumped in two feel first until they gave you a reason to pull back or not show trust? Isn't about settng the right tone from the begginning? @Wood What women don't undertand is that men are more perceptive than what they think. Not only do we know if a woman has other options in the beginnng which is cool, we also know when they start entertaining other options during the midde of a relationship when they feel the situation isn't heading in the direction they want it to be. Once they get another option up and running is when they gather the strength to start questioning "where is this headed" or other questions because they know they have something new to fall back on. Why question and take the risk only to be left lonely with no other ootions. We see that coming a mile away..I aint mad at that. Women can be so predicatabe |
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On January 10, 2010, 9:48 pm Dashon says:
"How can a person take you seriosuly about getting to know you if they see you have other open doors open a the same time?
@Mass: Umm...how about communication. Most single people have at least one person that they're talking to or have on their radar, and generally its not a serious contender or they wouldn't be open talking to you (or whoever). When you first meet a woman that you THINK you might like to get to know better...do you immediately tell the other female (or females as the case may be) that you've been casually seeing to fall back because you want to see how this woman you met last night or hell, even last week works out? Somehow I doubt that. Which was the point I was making. Now.... Why keep adding more options if you have a genuine interest of getting to know someone?" Why indeed? If a guy is consistent in demostrating his interest and there are no major conflicts between what he says and what he does...there is no reason to keep the door(s) that were opened before he stepped on the scene; or to open new ones while you're getting to know him. If they are not (as you stated) showing "a genuine interest of getting to know someone"...why close the other doors? I get what you and Wood are saying...but the fact of the matter is that when you meet a person who's single, there's a strong possibility that they will either already be dating someone, fugging someone, or both. Expecting that a single person has been sitting @ home doing crossroad puzzles and biding their time until the ONE materializes is (in my Mike Tyson voice)..ludacrious. Just my 2.5. |
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On January 11, 2010, 12:31 pm Wood says:
Mass, I don't know man, but one thing the brotha-hood has no problems with... that the status quo remains the same. The sistas are really trying to get one off on the brothas, but many end up getting bit by their own game once they catch feeling with a brotha.
Mass, this is MakStar comments and basically what the sista-hood is constantly trying to get off on the brothas: I am basically dating several men at the same time with the desire that ONE of them step up and want marriage. Until that happens, I will keep my options open, and break the news to the others as best I can when the time comes to get married. And this is a very common but extreme example of them trying to run their program and get a good one off on the brotha-hood: We had a good thing, and I considered us to be friends. Neither one of us let ourselves get emotionally attached and when I finally called it off because I was getting married he begged me to come over for one last adventure. Mass, I've never hit a woman, even my sistas when I was growing up, but this sista allowed her FB to walk her down the isle with his d.ck rammed squarely up her behind all the way down the isle to her future husband waiting hands. Her FB took his wet dripping d.ck out of her, shook it off, turned away and laughed at her husband as he blissfully and ignorantly put his ass on the line and took her hand in marriage... shit like this will cause any man to go completely O.J. on a woman...she shamed and played the hell out of that guy. That man must have done something really awful to have such Karma come back to him like that. I keep hearing the saying from a poster that goes something like "No risk, no reward"... and I laugh every time I hear it. |
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On January 14, 2010, 11:14 pm MakStar says:
Hahahahaaaaa Hey I'm glad I regrouped and read these comments.
I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I WAS BEING QUOTED. LOL |
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On January 14, 2010, 11:28 pm MakStar says:
@Wood said....Mass, this is MakStar comments and basically what the sista-hood is constantly trying to get off on the brothas: And this is a very common but extreme example of them trying to run their program and get a good one off on the brotha-hood.
@Wood you are stating this like we are trying to "GET BROTHERS BACK". I personally am NOT getting anyone back, I'm just taking care of MY OWN, I'm fulfilling my selfish needs, and I will make sure I'm authentic with each man along the way. I'm SINGLE. @Wood when I settle down with my 1 man, its for Keeps, its For Life, it will be REAL, it will be what we both imagined, hoped and dreamed of. I will cut off allllll ties to any other dating situation that I dealt with while in the dating game. |
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On January 14, 2010, 11:29 pm MakStar says:
@Wood. If men would have NEVER GOTTEN CAUGHT at being "Players" Do you think that women would know the game so well? You GUYS THINK you have cornered the market on juggling multiple women in order to find your one. If your games were sooo tight, women would be a little LESS enlightened. KARMA is right men. Take Note on the example you set for your sons, daughters, neices, nephews, grandchildren on down the line.
A man does not need to know every detail because like I said before YOU (men) CANT HANDLE IT. |
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On January 14, 2010, 11:31 pm MakStar says:
My ex husband talked recently about having me back knowing he pushed me out there in the first place in the arms of other men. HE SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED ME, and NEVER ABANDONED THIS RELATIONSHIP. HE asked me not to tell him everything, he KNOWS he can't handle it. I would like to begin enjoying his company exclusively again. He STILL treats me better than ANY Man I have met in the last 3-4 years. If he is still willing to be around, why would I give that up. I dont know if it will result in us remarrying but i could date him exclusively again with everything I've experienced. To me in my eyes, he is THE MAN!
My mind is such that I WILL give my ALL Exclusively to the MAN who steps up, and Adds to my life. He will deserve it. I'm worth every minute of his time and attention. All others NEED NOT APPLY. |
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On January 15, 2010, 7:49 am Wood says:
LOL... Hey MakStar, I thought I was going to sneak that one in without you finding out... I got busted!!!I think men can adaquatly handle "it" by completely rejecting a situation. Handling "it", doesn't mean accepting a situation.
@Wood you are stating this like we are trying to "GET BROTHERS BACK". No, this is what I'm saying when I state that folks are trying to run their own romantic program. Actually, you stated very clearly when you said... I'm just taking care of MY OWN, I'm fulfilling my selfish needs. MakStar, you and many other sistas will like to keep your dating options pumping at full speed that leads brothas thinking he has a chance all the way up to the last moment when you already know and more than likely have engaged in some kissing and touching with the one you really like, and then you would like to "clip" the wings of the rest and walk away with... "I was honest". Oh yeah, I don't even want to talk about many having FBs while still trying to make another brotha date her seriously. Actually, this situation was one I enjoyed the most. I remember back in my day having about five sistas I was seeing at the same time, who had a man/FB on the side when I met them. I think I gave two or three empty GF titles and told the other I had a GF out of town with whom we were having "problems"...lol. Can you believe that every last one of them wanted more than what they had...two gave me an ultimatum and the empty GFs didn't like the fact that I wasn't feeling more than "I care for you alot" for them... you sistas are something else. You talk about how much your husband want you back, and how much you think about him, yet you are still out in the game... are you waiting for him to give up? The Brotha-hood have our romantic "shit" we try to run, and the Sista-hood have theirs. |
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On January 16, 2010, 12:06 pm MakStar says:
@Wood
LOL The Brotha-hood have our romantic "shit" we try to run?... WHAT? What romantic-shit There are VERY FEW ROMANTIC BROTHERS OUT THERE.. How much your ex husband want you back...yet you are still in the game.. Well i guess i'm being unrealistic about this part @wood. I stay in the game because he is NOT TELLING ME where the relationship will go IF I FULLY COMMIT TO HIM and DATE HIM....he'll say things like you can have everything you want...and be vague. I HATE THAT... I do want to get out of the game and believe me i ENJOYED it while i allowed it to last. I have NO REGRETS. It made me see the type of man I need and want. But I didnt want to get out without ANY GUARANTEES. But at this point my happiness is important and if I follow the spiritual lessons I've recently heard. "YOU HAVE TO HAVE BLIND FAITH and TRUST GODS DIRECTION and BELIEVE GOD CAN DO THIS" ...I dont need guarantees, just a man WILLING to add to my life and believes I add to his and we will see where things go from there. So we recently did discuss me getting out of the game and I told him I was ready to just be with one man. We are in negotiations currently,LOL just kidding. spending more time together and what not. I realized that I would lash out at him when I was angry at other men. I blame HIM for leaving me out here to fend for myself and be back in this horrible dating game. He said that I have to get that under control so he can feel 100% safe with me. LOL |
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On January 17, 2010, 12:25 am IntroSpectiv says:
@ MakStar
There are few romantic Brothas out here because we're tired of watching y'all ladies ditch us for the NON-romantic ones that treat you like crap. It's kind of hard to faithfully continue to be a certain way if it's not working for a person. |
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On January 21, 2010, 3:18 pm BlackSwan says:
this sounds like an excuse to stay single. Your just illuding the general idea that so many men out there choose to live by. you think love is a game; something that you can use to shield yourself from the realities of a relationship. So when you say that its kinda hard to faithfully continue living a certain way if it's not working for a person, its because you chose to be that way.
Have some respect for yourself before looking to the other side to show it for you. If you see a woman leaving a romantic guy for a dirtbag, don't turn around and think that because she chose the guy who was beneath her, you should be that guy too. Women like that are not worth pursuing, or even mentioning, because they too chose to be in that position. |
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On January 22, 2010, 8:12 am Wood says:
WHAT? What romantic-shit
There are VERY FEW ROMANTIC BROTHERS OUT THERE.. LOL, I wasn't really talking about being romantic, but some of our BS we bring to the romantic game. I stay in the game because he is NOT TELLING ME where the relationship will go IF I FULLY COMMIT TO HIM and DATE HIM....he'll say things like you can have everything you want...and be vague. See, that is what I meant by "Romantic Shit"... brothas got game...lol. I do want to get out of the game and believe me i ENJOYED it while i allowed it to last. I have NO REGRETS. I blame HIM for leaving me out here to fend for myself and be back in this horrible dating game. Hell, that was a quick flip-flop... are you in politics?... you got my vote!!!! MakStar for Mayor!!!! But I didnt want to get out without ANY GUARANTEES. Good luck with trying to make two opposing forces work in your favor. One is you wanting guarantees while remainging in the dating game. Two, is trying to get a man to commit to you and disregarding his inate tendencies to ferociously protect his emotions and renders himself vulnerable while you are out there entertaining other men. I'm dying to see the end results of how you will make that work in your favor. |
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On July 1, 2010, 10:35 am whyme says:
@Rick, your blog was very insightful and I must say it was very big of you to address an issue that is so prevalant in the single world, and how we truly become the longer we stay by ourselves. I think its very hard trying to find that person who really wants it....a relationship that is. You work at what you truly want in life and if having a mate is one of those things it will happen, and if the junkie fix is what one partner only wants unfortunately that happens as well. Sincerely, |
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On July 1, 2010, 10:56 am RickGeez says:
Whyme:
Sister your comments were very profound and truthful. Reminds me of an old George Bernard Shaw quote: "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man" Thank you for taking time to read my blog. |
Great post.
My main thing is this: Without any cooperation from the women in my dating pool, it's extremely difficult for me to really compromise too much. I want to become less "me" and more "us" with whatever woman it is I end up with.....but the opportunities to do that are simply not out there for me at this current time in my life.