July 29th 2010
Move.....Get Out The Way
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by RickGeez on February 14, 2010, 10:49 am in Dating
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4 comments |
Recently had a house party with only a selected few that would involve my tightest brothers and close homegirls. We had the swazzi candles burning and had the Driftwood scotch flowing. Throughout the night we had some intense dialogue that engaged nothing but real talk and all agreed not to take anything personally. Of course we made our rounds verbally beating up on each other on why some of us are single and how we've all made some mistakes. By now everyone knows my rules during discussions of no finger pointing to the other gender and how we all need to be accountable for our own mistakes. By the end of the night everyone wanted to know about this new sister I've been keeping on the low and only giving the minimum details. There's been too many past discussions on how I've allowed some great sisters to come in and out of my life and I didn't want to revisit that subject on that particular night.
I eventually opened up and told them how I met her and how I ran my usual two minute drill: where you from, who are you with, where's your head at and what are you looking for? That particular day I met her I didn't have any witty one liners or nothing deep to converse about but my interest in her peaked hours before I even made that first interaction. It was refreshing to meet a secure woman who knew what she wanted from the beginning without any games or hang ups. I told them after a few months everything was still going smoothly and at the right pace. All of sudden someone was quick to ask what I thought was wrong with her, what red flags I identified and what will be the reason why this one won't work out. What I didn't admit was how she still had me wide open. I couldn't tell my crew....it was too early for all that. But quiet as kept I was...
Suddenly my man gets up, turned off the good jams, took a sip of his scotch, looked at everyone then over at me and said" "Geez, real talk and don't take this the wronf way but hopefully this time... you'll stay out of your own way, put your guard down, open up and enjoy the ride."
The room went silent and all eyes were on me waiting for a reaction. My face did get tight for a minute no doubt. It was a time where I had to be real with myself. I couldn't even get mad because I'm always the person encouraging people to look inwardly first. My man made a lot of sense with that comment. Have I been my own worst enemy? Have I stood in my own way by being stuck in defense mode? I thought to myself whatever happened to the days when it was cool to allow a woman to get me wide open and for me to actually get excited when first meeting them. What happened when I wasn't hesistant at al to put my feelings on the line to show a sister where I was coming from rather than worrying about the repercussions of how she would react or concerned if she would develop some unrealistic expectations that I couldn't meet down the line. What happened to those days? Have I become too busy at managing and controlling my own baggage that I often miss out on these great sisters that keep coming into my life? Have any of you ever been that honest with yourself by asking if you've been standing in your own way of meeting that someone special or building that ideal relationship?
Have we've become so programmed with so much negativity through all this relationship and dating talk that we don't trust ourselves to be vulnerable enough to open up and allow someone to get to know who we really are? We look for everyone else for the answers it could be that were hiding behind our own high set of criteria, standards and preferences that we demand from others when it's just another cover up to disguise our own inability to deliver these same expectations in return? We've all become so consumed with learning the rules of these games and how to quickly identify red flags as an effort of not being the first to get played. We've also developed a plethora of intentional and subconscious types of defense mechanisms to protect our hearts and as alternative ways to mask our own pain and baggage that we've developed over the years. They say perception is reality for some people right? I'm just as guitly as I've kept certain sisters at a distance on purpose when I felt things were getting too close too soon. There were other times when I wasn't as available as I should've been in certain situations by trying to dictate the pace of the situation. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way and lost some good sisters. We all have our own set of defense mechanisms rather if we're aware of them or not. We've all been on both sides of this fence. I'm sure you all have met someone, gave them 100% of your time, energy, attention and they were too guarded or too protected to reach. It eventualy becomes too exhausting to overcome which is why it's hard to bridge this gap between brothers and sisters when it comes down to compromising in dating and relationships.
We also stand in our way by being so quick to point out the differences between us brothers and sisters. We're quick to play the blame game and It's never our own fault. Have we ever questioned if we're dating to win or are we looking for selfish emotional victories as a result of safe guarding our own feelings and heart? Perhaps we're playing it too safely. In some cases it's because society has created this thought process where we feel the need to stay in this defense mode. Again, that's another excuse and defense mechanism. If we're not being defensive, we're too busy being critical of each other or by creating these parameters. How many times have you heard someone complain about not having a mate but at the same time they refuse to let anyone get close to them emotionally? Or if they do allow somene to get close they're quick to point out minor flaws or quick to expose any simple mishap as an automatic red flag as excuses to keep a certain distance. I once had a sister stop dating me because I was late for a date due to traffic and she concluded it was a sign that I may have a habit of being late and she didn't want to take a chance moving forward. At that time I was single, eligible and emotionally available and you still hear sisters say they can't find good men because these petty examples happen daily. See if she had moved out her own way it would have been one less lonely sister out there.
@Flagler:
Are we too caught up waiting for other shoe to drop even when things are too good to be true? Are we simply standing in our own way? I'm sure our own intuition and defense mechanisms have prevented us from hurt and failure but how many times have those things prevented us giving someone 100% because we're too cautious and too skeptical? Why do we feel there's always a catch 22 when things are going too good to be right?
I eventually opened up and told them how I met her and how I ran my usual two minute drill: where you from, who are you with, where's your head at and what are you looking for? That particular day I met her I didn't have any witty one liners or nothing deep to converse about but my interest in her peaked hours before I even made that first interaction. It was refreshing to meet a secure woman who knew what she wanted from the beginning without any games or hang ups. I told them after a few months everything was still going smoothly and at the right pace. All of sudden someone was quick to ask what I thought was wrong with her, what red flags I identified and what will be the reason why this one won't work out. What I didn't admit was how she still had me wide open. I couldn't tell my crew....it was too early for all that. But quiet as kept I was...
Suddenly my man gets up, turned off the good jams, took a sip of his scotch, looked at everyone then over at me and said" "Geez, real talk and don't take this the wronf way but hopefully this time... you'll stay out of your own way, put your guard down, open up and enjoy the ride."
The room went silent and all eyes were on me waiting for a reaction. My face did get tight for a minute no doubt. It was a time where I had to be real with myself. I couldn't even get mad because I'm always the person encouraging people to look inwardly first. My man made a lot of sense with that comment. Have I been my own worst enemy? Have I stood in my own way by being stuck in defense mode? I thought to myself whatever happened to the days when it was cool to allow a woman to get me wide open and for me to actually get excited when first meeting them. What happened when I wasn't hesistant at al to put my feelings on the line to show a sister where I was coming from rather than worrying about the repercussions of how she would react or concerned if she would develop some unrealistic expectations that I couldn't meet down the line. What happened to those days? Have I become too busy at managing and controlling my own baggage that I often miss out on these great sisters that keep coming into my life? Have any of you ever been that honest with yourself by asking if you've been standing in your own way of meeting that someone special or building that ideal relationship?
Have we've become so programmed with so much negativity through all this relationship and dating talk that we don't trust ourselves to be vulnerable enough to open up and allow someone to get to know who we really are? We look for everyone else for the answers it could be that were hiding behind our own high set of criteria, standards and preferences that we demand from others when it's just another cover up to disguise our own inability to deliver these same expectations in return? We've all become so consumed with learning the rules of these games and how to quickly identify red flags as an effort of not being the first to get played. We've also developed a plethora of intentional and subconscious types of defense mechanisms to protect our hearts and as alternative ways to mask our own pain and baggage that we've developed over the years. They say perception is reality for some people right? I'm just as guitly as I've kept certain sisters at a distance on purpose when I felt things were getting too close too soon. There were other times when I wasn't as available as I should've been in certain situations by trying to dictate the pace of the situation. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way and lost some good sisters. We all have our own set of defense mechanisms rather if we're aware of them or not. We've all been on both sides of this fence. I'm sure you all have met someone, gave them 100% of your time, energy, attention and they were too guarded or too protected to reach. It eventualy becomes too exhausting to overcome which is why it's hard to bridge this gap between brothers and sisters when it comes down to compromising in dating and relationships.
We also stand in our way by being so quick to point out the differences between us brothers and sisters. We're quick to play the blame game and It's never our own fault. Have we ever questioned if we're dating to win or are we looking for selfish emotional victories as a result of safe guarding our own feelings and heart? Perhaps we're playing it too safely. In some cases it's because society has created this thought process where we feel the need to stay in this defense mode. Again, that's another excuse and defense mechanism. If we're not being defensive, we're too busy being critical of each other or by creating these parameters. How many times have you heard someone complain about not having a mate but at the same time they refuse to let anyone get close to them emotionally? Or if they do allow somene to get close they're quick to point out minor flaws or quick to expose any simple mishap as an automatic red flag as excuses to keep a certain distance. I once had a sister stop dating me because I was late for a date due to traffic and she concluded it was a sign that I may have a habit of being late and she didn't want to take a chance moving forward. At that time I was single, eligible and emotionally available and you still hear sisters say they can't find good men because these petty examples happen daily. See if she had moved out her own way it would have been one less lonely sister out there.
@Flagler:
Are we too caught up waiting for other shoe to drop even when things are too good to be true? Are we simply standing in our own way? I'm sure our own intuition and defense mechanisms have prevented us from hurt and failure but how many times have those things prevented us giving someone 100% because we're too cautious and too skeptical? Why do we feel there's always a catch 22 when things are going too good to be right?
Join the conversation, add your comment4 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On February 14, 2010, 1:54 pm RickGeez says:
@JustAThought
Have you ever stood you in your way? |
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On February 14, 2010, 2:54 pm JustAThought says:
Yup. Didn't trust someone enough to be vulnerable with them. I constantly look for the other shoe to drop. It sucks, and I work on it, but the impulse comes creeping back in all of my relationships, friends and romantic partners.
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On February 16, 2010, 10:48 pm Dashon says:
@Rick: I have been guilty of waiting for that other shoe to drop (e.g, Mr. Dallas), however I think I've made some strides in this area. I'm working toward being more open and adopting a "things will be as they are meant to be attitude" about potential relationships.
Now when I see things that for me are red flags, or my gut tells me to fall back...I no longer try to analyze or search for an explanation of those thoughts/feelings....I just roll with them. Does taking this approach get in my way? Perhaps. But given the alternative of going with my instincts or ignoring them....I pretty much go with them each & every time. |
I'm very guilty of this, in dating relationships, and friendships with other women. I get tired of people proving to me that it was a big mistake for me to invest in them.