July 29th 2010
Is Any of This Even Worth it?
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by RickGeez on November 19, 2009, 5:52 pm in Dating
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13 comments |
Have you ever sat back and asked yourself if any of this even worth it?
Here's one of the biggest problems with relating and dating. Outside of trust, fear, wondering who's going to pay first and now women enjoying the chase...I think the biggest problem is that we're all too fickle..men and women. People change with the wind. Do we all even know what we're looking for or more interested in looking for the next new thing? Attempting to hold someone's interest while dating for a period of time is starting to be one of the biggest problems with relating and dating. People are real hesitant about giving their all up front. For some people being able to meet someone worthy of going to the next level with has been a major issue. We all work hard trying to find someone that aligns with our morals, preferences, standards, etc...but after all that hard work people change on the dime. All these discussions on FH and many other sites confirm all of this. Is any of this worth it? Will we ever get the reward we're looking for or is it better just to keep a peace of mind?
We sit back and wait for the other shoe to drop because people are too fickle and it's so expected. Most of the time its out of our control. Sometimes a new person comes along with more energy, better style, better conversation, bigger booty...not sure..but people will switch up on you in a minute. Most of the time we're on the defensive tip trying hard to look for red flags, avoiding getting played, trying to figure out where we stand on someone's "roster" or being trivial about deciding who's going to pay on the first date. These are all small things in the big picture that take away from us being proactive towards making a relationship work. We all have deal breakers but doesn't it seem that people are now more comfortable to leave a situation than to make a commitment?
I read an earlier blogger state she was unwilling to invest her time and energy until a guy proves himself first? What happened to reciprocity? Now we have people claiming they liked to be chased? Doesn't it seem men and women work more against each other than trying to work together..as a team...for a common goal? The only reason why people keep "rosters" and people on the "bench" is because no one wants to be stuck solo but do you blame them with the way people change so quickly? Isn't it the worst to see your "investment" and "time" go to waste with nothing to show for it? That's what most people are cautious about. Having backups allow people to keep it moving, to compartmentalize past relationships claiming you've moved on and your now emotionally available is so far from the truth. Are we really taking the time to heal or do we keep lying to ourselves? Not only do I see people compartmentalizing bad situations, the blame game versus brothers and sisters never stops. Is this an individual defense mechanism to make us feel better? Isn't it about being accountable for you own decisions and accepting the consequences? We make the decisions who we choose to spend our time with but are we doing our own due diligence or just jumping out on faith? Are we just hoping and wishing the next just might be the one?
It's as if people expect hurt and pain to come around the corner at any minute. We look for it, we expect it. Are some people beginning to embrace it? But lately it's never failed right?
Have we stopped taking risks and too focused on avoiding getting hurt? Are we too fickle of people to make it work anymore? Do you even know what you want? People is this all even worth it anymore?
Here's one of the biggest problems with relating and dating. Outside of trust, fear, wondering who's going to pay first and now women enjoying the chase...I think the biggest problem is that we're all too fickle..men and women. People change with the wind. Do we all even know what we're looking for or more interested in looking for the next new thing? Attempting to hold someone's interest while dating for a period of time is starting to be one of the biggest problems with relating and dating. People are real hesitant about giving their all up front. For some people being able to meet someone worthy of going to the next level with has been a major issue. We all work hard trying to find someone that aligns with our morals, preferences, standards, etc...but after all that hard work people change on the dime. All these discussions on FH and many other sites confirm all of this. Is any of this worth it? Will we ever get the reward we're looking for or is it better just to keep a peace of mind?
We sit back and wait for the other shoe to drop because people are too fickle and it's so expected. Most of the time its out of our control. Sometimes a new person comes along with more energy, better style, better conversation, bigger booty...not sure..but people will switch up on you in a minute. Most of the time we're on the defensive tip trying hard to look for red flags, avoiding getting played, trying to figure out where we stand on someone's "roster" or being trivial about deciding who's going to pay on the first date. These are all small things in the big picture that take away from us being proactive towards making a relationship work. We all have deal breakers but doesn't it seem that people are now more comfortable to leave a situation than to make a commitment?
I read an earlier blogger state she was unwilling to invest her time and energy until a guy proves himself first? What happened to reciprocity? Now we have people claiming they liked to be chased? Doesn't it seem men and women work more against each other than trying to work together..as a team...for a common goal? The only reason why people keep "rosters" and people on the "bench" is because no one wants to be stuck solo but do you blame them with the way people change so quickly? Isn't it the worst to see your "investment" and "time" go to waste with nothing to show for it? That's what most people are cautious about. Having backups allow people to keep it moving, to compartmentalize past relationships claiming you've moved on and your now emotionally available is so far from the truth. Are we really taking the time to heal or do we keep lying to ourselves? Not only do I see people compartmentalizing bad situations, the blame game versus brothers and sisters never stops. Is this an individual defense mechanism to make us feel better? Isn't it about being accountable for you own decisions and accepting the consequences? We make the decisions who we choose to spend our time with but are we doing our own due diligence or just jumping out on faith? Are we just hoping and wishing the next just might be the one?
It's as if people expect hurt and pain to come around the corner at any minute. We look for it, we expect it. Are some people beginning to embrace it? But lately it's never failed right?
Have we stopped taking risks and too focused on avoiding getting hurt? Are we too fickle of people to make it work anymore? Do you even know what you want? People is this all even worth it anymore?
Join the conversation, add your comment13 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On November 19, 2009, 6:53 pm RickGeez says:
@Wood:
Thanks for the comment. In response to what you stated do you think people only take a chance if the receiever just happens to be wide open. Are we saying the only time we take a risk, a chance..is only if it appears safe? What's the reason if that's the case? In sticking to your analogy, I see a lot of wasted plays in the dating game. Too many passes thrown out of bounds without any risk being taken of getting that yard or two in fear of being sacked. What happened to threading the needle and giving your receiver a chance to make a play..double teamed or not? |
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On November 19, 2009, 7:21 pm Dashon says:
@Rick: I agree....just expressed similar sentiments on a JT post. The crazy part is that all of the posturing we do to avoid dissapointment, pain, or being played doesn't work anyway....eventually we all get a spin in that barrel...even the most discriminating or "cautious" person gets their turn on heartbreak row.
Sometimes I wonder just how many times folks (myself included) have missed out on something good because we're on the look-out for the WTH's instead of the Wow's. I used to think that old saying" "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" was some ole issh....but I'm feeling that joint now. Just my 2.5 |
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On November 19, 2009, 11:37 pm Wood says:
LOL, I there are a bunch of wasted plays going out of bounds... I guest. Before I met my girl, the last time I was in love with a woman was over ten years ago, if not longer than that, but in between those relationship, I've had many GFs that I really cared about but was never in love with them. The thing is Rick, I never missed it, nor felt that I was missing some inside.
You've heard my comments, and I know folks think I'm kinda off the wall...but I never could have predicted that I would ever find a sista that I would want to marry and that never bothered me one bit. What happened to threading the needle and giving your receiver a chance to make a play..double teamed or not? Motivation Rick, is what would cause a man to want to thread the needle. Why men aren't motivated enough to cause them to put themselves out there, is up to debate. With me, I never felt that I was missing anything. No, I didn't have deep love for most of these sistas, but I had sistas I enjoyed spending time with, and they really care and wanted to be with me. How long I could have been in relationships without ever feeling like I needed to be in love... I can't tell you. I always kept the door open to falling in love, but I never felt that I needed it if no one ever walked in the door. |
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On November 20, 2009, 1:05 pm Visionary says:
Rick I'm really loving this blog....
Have we stopped taking risks and too focused on avoiding getting hurt? Yes, we have. Partly because most of us have been hurt one way or another and ultimately, you can say what you want but when you get hurt and you feel like you've put your all into someone. It's hard ever being able to let that hurt go out of fear someone else might do the same thing. No one is the same but there is always that slight uncertainty as to whether or not someone will hurt you like the last person did. I think we all are slightly hesitant after a break up. Are we too fickle of people to make it work anymore? Um...YEAH! LOL! I remember talking to my friend and he was saying that if the women he was dating wasn't on her game and he ran into someone that was, there could be a possibility she could be replaced. I feel like everyone is thinking "the grass is greener on the other side" when it comes to relationships and dating now a days. Do you even know what you want? People is this all even worth it anymore? I know what I want and its important for everyone to figure out WHAT they really want out of a relationship before even trying to establish something. Dating and getting to know someone is worth it. The ultimate thing we all want and need in life is companionship. I look at that "ole school love" my parents have and pray God blesses me with someone I can share that with. I look forward to finding someone I can have that love with....so its definitely worth it. @ Dashon: "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" I hear that! People should take chances. I think that's the thing...people are afraid to take chances. JMT |
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On November 20, 2009, 1:38 pm RickGeez says:
@Visionary:
Thank you sister for the comments. Perhaps our generation is lacking the type of examples of that "ole school love" your parents are exhibiting. It's good you have models to help you keep the faith of what a real relationship could grow to become. @Dashon: ""Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all". I agree sister. How can we enjoy the reward if there's never been a struggle. It's just going to feel that much more special when it happens and when it's real. @Wood: I never thought your comments we ever off the wall because it's not about right or wrong or having people agree with you. It's about sharing a perspective based off of experiences. Women should learn a lot from the things you share because it represents a good portion of men out there who share the same views. Something to learn from regardless. You make some valid points (except I'm threading the needle open or not. It's about having faith right?) |
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On November 20, 2009, 2:02 pm catch22 says:
I think I’m the blogger you were talking about…LOL (I stand by my statements too :)….but to answer your questions….
Have we stopped taking risks and too focused on avoiding getting hurt? Some have but I’m not one of them. I’m a firm believer in letting stuff go. If a relationship doesn’t work out it was for a divine reason. I will say after I got divorced it took a while to let my guards down and open myself up….but that had more to do with me not letting go of the hurt I had experienced in my marriage. Once I dealt with that pain….i was able to truly move on emotionally. Are we too fickle of people to make it work anymore? I don’t know if it’s lazy or fickle but we definitely don’t want to do the work required to sustain a valuable relationship. We like instant everything. When things get tough…we like to cut and run. No long term relationship can sustain that. At the same time there is reciprocity as well. You have to know how much you are willing to give and sacrifice in a serious relationship. Most people want all the benefits of a great relationship without doing the work required to maintain it….and that Brother Rick is where reciprocity you speak of comes in. |
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On November 20, 2009, 2:03 pm catch22 says:
Do you even know what you want? I’m extremely clear about what I want from a relationship at this point in my life. I want to get married and enjoy my life with my equal. At this point, the qualities and traits I desire in a mate are simple yet clear. I’ve heard you speak of “dating with a purpose”. I think that’s what you do when you truly know what you want. You know what you are looking for and dating helps weed out the “potentials” from the “phoneys”. People is this all even worth it anymore? Yes! If a real relationship is something that you want and desire then it’s always worth getting out there and meeting/dating people and seeing if you have a connection. You never know what might happen. I can honestly say that the man I fell in love with now is someone I never imagined but it happened and it only happened because I was ready and open at the same time he was. It’s always worth it because you never know…you just may find true love and if that’s what you desire…it’s always worth the risk. |
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On November 20, 2009, 2:16 pm RickGeez says:
@Catch22
Thanks sister for the comments...well said. How did you know you were fully over your previous marriage and was able to become emotionally available for someone new to come into your life? Do you feel as if sisters are more reactive rather than proactive when dating or dealing with brothers? |
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On November 20, 2009, 3:30 pm catch22 says:
How did you know you were fully over your previous marriage and was able to become emotionally available for someone new to come into your life? When I could look at him and not be angry. When I could see him and wish him the best and honestly mean it. I knew I was over that relationship when I saw both sides of the coin (his faults and mine) instead of just blaming him.
Do you feel as if sisters are more reactive rather than proactive when dating or dealing with brothers? Yeah I think so…sometimes we act like we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop…. |
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On November 20, 2009, 3:35 pm aurora1990 says:
@Rick - get outta my head!!! I have been questioning this very thing for the past few weeks. I told one of my good friends that I was just no longer sure if it is worth it; I mean, I don't think that what I want is difficult or impossible, yet it seems to be unattainable. And all the rigamarole is just wearing me out frankly. I miss the days (of wayback apparently) where when you liked someone and they liked you back you would date. That's it. No games, no nothing. So I really just don't know. And as that conversation was just a few days ago, I can't say that I have an answer yet. I just know that I'm getting tired of it all, no lie!
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On November 20, 2009, 3:37 pm Wood says:
because no one wants to be stuck solo but do you blame them with the way people change so quickly? Isn't it the worst to see your "investment" and "time" go to waste with nothing to show for it? That's what most people are cautious about.
This situation is what I find very amusing with folks. Maybe it is my personal disposition, but I never really had a problem being by myself when a relationship or dating experience ends. I really enjoy breaks of not being in relationships because I can travel solo more, not have to take and pay for taking anyone out... it is a big-time breather for me. As a matter of fact, that is one trait I consider to be a mega red flag when meeting a woman... is she going from men to men, which says a lot to me. I truely feel that is one trait that manifests itself in ways in a woman with whom I would rather not have my emotions tied up in. @ Dashon and Vision: "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" I hear that! People should take chances. I think that's the thing...people are afraid to take chances. I "hear" what you are saying, and I've heard the expression, but my literal behind feel that to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all is better only if the person lives to regret not taking the chances on love. I mean, I am sure folks that knows me would likely say that it would have been "better for me that I should have had children than to not have children at all"... I mean, as a brotha, it isn't hard for us to rack up the kid count...lol. If I look back and reflect on my life and lament on the decisions as to why I never had children, then it would have been better to have born children than not at all. I truely feel that a person "should" take the chance only if they are really motivated to do so, and are wishing and wanting to do so more so than not, but are just afraid to. |
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On November 21, 2009, 10:35 am IntroSpectiv says:
@ Rick
Good blog. I lost my motivation some time ago to try and find a decent woman. After all the failed dating attempts and rejections without reason (and some with ridiculously shallow reasons) and "Oh, I think we should just be friends" comments and the "You're the type of man a woman could marry, but not date", I have all but stopped giving a damn. And I'm not bullshitting anyone on that last quote. Six different women have told me some variation of that line. Once upon a time, I was trying to find my niche with women....you know, they say everyone's got something they can play to their advantage. They say everyone's got a season....they say the ball eventually will be in your court.....they say, "Be patient, and the right woman will come along when it's your time." Fuck that. I'm tired of wondering when the hell my time was going to come. I think I've endured more disappointment in 10 years of TRYING TO FIND DECENT WOMEN than some divorced people have in 10 years of BEING MARRIED or having kids. I'm still hoping to find what I'm looking for, but the prospects are, as usual....just not there. I can't force the issue....I can't MAKE anyone be interested in me. And I also cannot force any woman to see that I can be worth the time if given a chance. I cannot force a woman to see that I am good enough for her, and frankly, I'm tired of walking around feeling like I'm not good enough to have a woman in my life. I know that was slightly off on a tangent compared to what everyone else has been posting, but I needed to get that off my chest. |
To me and I feel with a lot of men it is worth it, but considering the various factors on when to throw that long pass down field is the part that keep many brothas "chuckin it" out of bounds.