Are we too caught up? 

Some of us are....

Have our shallow views and perceptions cost us from meeting and dating really good people?

I believe in some cases it has.  The challenge though is being open enough to accept the things that (are not REAL dealbreakers) that don't vibe with the desires we have for our mate.  For example: height, in my opinion is not a real dealbreaker...but a preference.  If I were to reject a good man because he's 5'9" instead of 6'0", then the loss is most definitely mine.

As you stated...we all have our preferences, and that's okay.  Our preferences only become a problem when they are standing in the way of making connections that would result in the type of relationships that we desire.  It takes a lot of introspection to determine if in fact that is the case.


Are we standing in our own way?

See comment above...

LOL at the height comment!  FYI, most women who are particular about height want a man that is taller than them, especially in heels.  I don't need a man that is 6'5", but I'd really prefer someone over 5'10".

But to answer your questions, I believe some people are too caught up.  We tend to focus on the outside, and to make assumptions that the outside indicates what is one the inside.  THese perceptions have cause us to miss out on some really good people, while ending up in broken relationships with no-good liars, cheats, headaches, etc.  I think people sometimes stand in their own way, but thankfully, I believe that most eventually realize what is truly important, and they begin to grow and mature in how they select their dating partners. 

I don't think we are so much caught up as we are about our preferences. I don't mind dating someone I wouldn't normally date because thats the way I am. Pretty much all the guys I have dated are about the same. They are all wonderful and so much fun to be around. If you put them together they would probaly have fun, not in a gay kind of way. The guys I have dated dont have drama surrounding them. They are all educated and dont have children. They all had these expensive hobbies which I thought was really weird because they are grown men. One collected 1st edition comic books, another baseball cards, one represented Negroe League players and met all the living legends and get reunions together for these guys. All I'm saying is I dont mind dating outside my box but I keep meeting the same kind of guys. Its not a bad thing at all. I just dont date guys with children. Yeah I have some but I never allow a guy to come around my children and some say i'm limiting myself for a potential mate. After my divorce it was my choice to not allow a guy to meet my children, it is my preference to not date a guy with any. If I had it my way I would date someone with a really, really dark complexion. I love dark skin men but I date guys with brown skin not just too light. I dont date outside my race, Again I'm limiting myself but I prefer dark skin men. It's just a preference like black men who date white women. I dont feel inferior, its just his preference. I dont go looking for someone kind and loving, it just come natural to attract that kind of guy. I have never been with a no-good man so I cant speak of the negative things other women endure. Yes, my ex cheated on me and it hurted like hell. My heart is still guarded but one day i'm gong to let my guards down. Not to just anyone but someone I prefer to be with. I probaly wouldnt be writing on your blog at all if I didnt date a lot or no one found me interesting.

Dashon is right on point with her commentary!!!

I can honestly say that I am not caught up. I have been married (10 yrs) & divorced for almost 6 years and I realize what is important and I think I always have, (ask my ex,lol!!).  I have always wanted someone who cherishes me. I will admit I have misinterpreted it at times but for the most part, exterior isn't my focus. I don’t care if u drive a ford or a BMW. I don’t care if ur 6'3 or 5'10(although I prefer 6'0,lol) I've dated everything from a landscaper at a local college to a secret service agent to an attorney so remaining open is no big deal to me. If u vibe w/someone but allow outside influences from allowing u to reach the potential of the relationship than why not go to a 3rd world country where someone can be open about dictating ur relationship for u??? I have standards like the next chick but they are mine not what society thinks they should be...

With that being said there are ppl definitely caught up in t/bs!!

@JAT: I feel you...I think most women (and men) prefer that their man is taller than them, I just used that as an example of how a preference can get in the way of connecting with a good person (M/F).


@Loveless:  You state:
"I have never been with a no-good man so I cant speak of the negative things other women endure. " 

Yet you go on to say:
"Yes, my ex cheated on me and it hurted like hell. My heart is still guarded "

No disrespect Sis...but it sounds like you can "speak of the negative things other women endure."

Just my 2.5

@Wood:  Speechless?!?  Unbelievable...LOL!

I don't think my own shallowness (which there is hardly any of....I'm not shallow at all) has cost me the chance at meeting The One, but I will emphatically say that the collective shallowness of the majority of women my age has cost me at least the chance to be farther along in The Game than I currently sit.

It's one thing to have preferences....but it's another thing to diss a guy because he didn't get to choose to be tall when he was born. The day we get that choice at birth, let me know. I'll practically press the Reset button on my life and come back 7'17" tall since that's apparently what most women want....*obvious, blatant sarcasm there*

LOL, I was at work trying to post using my IPod touch, but my comments never appeared. Rick, I think we as a people are very caught up and are passing it down the line to the younger generation...black folks got issues galore.  In general, we came to desire so-called "qualities" in folks that does no one absolutely no good and adds nothing to a relationship.  We impliment terms and expression, ie, "swaggar" - which back in the day, we called pompous ass holes - as qualities of endearment to have.  We spend many important years making very important romantic decisions based on meaniless attributes that we eventually flip-flop on because we realize doesn't add up to Jack Shit when it really matters.

Yeah, black folks are caught up big-time.

You got tons of black folks who have these images ingrained in their heads of finding that other half who can help them pull off this quintessential Mr and Mrs "got it going on" appearance to the masses.

It is funny, but it is sad...

And then, we wonder why...

@Dashon I dont condeme nor do I condone cheating but my heart is guarded because I'm not ready to let anyone in yet, I prefer to just keep dating for now. Many women talk about men as if they are all  NO-Good and so forth, Other than cheating most of the guys are met are really good catches. If I was unable to date and completely lonely, I think i'd want someone exclusively but right now, i'm having too much fun.

@Loveless:  I feel ya as it pertains to enjoying single life, and I agree that SOME women "talk about men as if they are all  NO-Good and so forth", however I believe the MAJORITY of us realize that it's not ALL of them are no good.

My earlier point was that having been in a relationship with a cheating mate, you can speak on the hurt that accompanies the behaviors of a man who is not necessarily ALL that good...just as many other women can.I think its great that your experiences with being on the receiving end of bad behavior [from a man] is limited, and that you're mature enough to realize that the bad behavior of one man is not reflective of ALL men.  That's the area where some women are challenged....even when logicially they know better.

@Dashon thanks for being an understand sista, I didnt know where this conversation was going. Anyway i'm glad to be a part of the discussions that take place. I usually have a view point like the males but hopefully I dont come across as a person who have her ish together because im far from it. The hurt I have experienced in my life just cause me to love more on the side of cautious rather than foolish. I also understand that Im not going to allow my hurt to male bash when there are some great brothers out there. So thanks again.

@Loveless:  No worries Sis.  I felt where you were coming from, and No you do not come across like you got it all together.  Your participation in other FH discussions lets me know that you're working to be better at this relationship thing like the rest of us. 

Caution is always a good thing.  Couple that with your open-mind and a willingness to give a guy the benefit of the doubt and not paint him with the same brush as every other man -- and you got a good formula for success.

I agree with Dashon.  Trust your instincts.

I think ppl spend too much time looking at what floats everyone else's boat. Ppl look at what their family/parents/friends and media put out as great mate attributes and people use it as a thoughtless guide. They spend more time with their external representative, then they do learning themselves. If people spent more time putting some actual thought into what they want and why they want it instead of following along, we'd all be better off.

What an interesting thought?  I think being caught up or not is really only answered by each individual.  My story that I make up about others is that some are too caught up and complaining so they never find anything other than what they say they do not want.  People often have not experienced what they say they want.  If they experience it, then they are able to make an informed choice instead of wondering or like Melanie says geting the great mate ideals from other sources! 

For me, I now just want to go with the flow.  I need to anaylze whatever presents itself, and like Goodgurl I too am not focused on exterior.  Don't get me wrong, eye candy is often attractive and enticing at least from a distance...

What an interesting thought?  I think being caught up or not is really only answered by each individual.  My story that I make up about others is that some are too caught up and complaining so they never find anything other than what they say they do not want.  People often have not experienced what they say they want.  If they experience it, then they are able to make an informed choice instead of wondering or like Melanie says geting the great mate ideals from other sources! 

For me, I now just want to go with the flow.  I need to anaylze whatever presents itself, and like Goodgurl I too am not focused on exterior.  Don't get me wrong, eye candy is often attractive and enticing at least from a distance...