July 29th 2010
80/20= No Longer Good Enough?
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by RickGeez on December 17, 2009, 3:55 pm in Dating
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14 comments |
I'm assuming by now everyone knows what the 80/20 rule is about. We've all been guilty of using this equation ass backwards. We've all passed on one another because we've let the 20% deficiency factor overrule the 80% of our positive attributes and characteristics we possess. When it comes to identifying potential mates or significant others, we've come to a bad habit of focusing on what's wrong with each other rather than outweighing our positives. As brothers and sister we've become too skeptical of each other and we lack trust. A pathway to someone's heart has become an illusionary maze and we've ran out of patience to determine if the real reward will ever be achievable. To be honest the 80% we desire in others is beginning to shft towards superficial qualities and indicators. If this is the case, we'll continue to build off of weak foundations with one another leading to the continuance of a major disconnection between brothers and sisters.
Here's one major problem...This 80/20 rule is more prevalent in dating decisions more than we think. Lately I've been hearing a good amount of discussion surrounding the Ms. Andrews Washington Post essay ( I surely hope there's a name change which would eliminate the stereotypical perception of black women) regarding single sisters and their frustrations of not finding quality brothers. I first have to ask the question if sisters are being truthful in what they really want from a brother. As many times I've asked my close lady friends what they really seek in a man and they continue to simplify their responses. Have you ever asked a sister what she really wanted out of a potential brother to date? Responses such as "he needs to have a job, have his own place, have a good relationship with his mother and needs to be a god fearing man". Do any of those sound familiar? Sisters is it really that difficult to find brothers that meet these standards? I come across single brothers who possess these qualities at the bare minimum on the regular then some but still find it difficult to meet quality sisters who appreciate them. Have the expectations towards men diminish that far down from sisters?
Unfortunately when it comes to the 80/20 rule the actions from some of my brothers justify these thoughts as well. We've passed up sisters who had everything we may have wanted in a lady from their high level of education, their optimism to their dreams and goals but kept it moving. We never considered them as strong candidates because of superficial reasons such as if she wore cheap shoes like those slipper type shoes without heals, extra extended weaves, a little extra weight, or if she had some top and bottom flat cakes. Let's be real though, men are too caught up on the visual and women get caught up with what they hear. A deal breaker is a deal breaker and we all should have standards but do we take them too far? Is it because we're too anxious to find that special someone that we don't take the time to really become attractive to the inner qualities and substance someone may bring to the table? Is it more about presentation and what "they" can do for you and how they "appear" for your friends and family? I sense we're all walking around as if our 80% is too good for each other and our 20% deficiencies shouldn't even count or don't even exist? I feel as if success, job titles, degrees ( or lack of) are just cover ups for some people to really hide their insecurities and rely too much of our achievements (or lack of) to define who we really are as a person. We really need to examine what we value in each other to bridge the widening gap between black men and women when it comes to our differences about relationships and dating.
Another aspect of dating and relationships that wears each one of us down are comparisons versus moving to the beat of our drum. Honestly some people let the norms of society determine if they even have 80% of positive qualities to match or align with another. We allow past failed relationships determine our worth or what we have to offer.
For example...I was coolin out with my crew one night, sitting back in the cut at a neo-soul night listening to some nice jams, in a nice atmosphere maintaining and minding mine like I usually do. The vibe was on point, the smell of swazi candles filled the room and the conversation was flowing from topics about Tiger to health care reform to President Barrack rating himself a B his first year. Suddenly my fam gets real quiet and I felt everyone looking over my shoulder and then all eyes were directed on me. As I turned around I came eye to eye with my 2008 love interest. Haven't seen or talked to her in over a year. We abruptly ended our situation without any explanation and all communication ceased. I never knew why she decided to move on but I handled it like a grown man, maintained my dignity and kept it moving. She was on the scene with her new love interest. I sized them up, she waved and I maintained, turned around, took a sip of my Driftwood Scotch (or two), turned back around and looked at all my people faced to face without any sign of hurt. But deep down I wondered what he had that I didn't have. How did his 80% stack up against my 80%. Was his 20% deficiencies easier to deal with than my 20%. We've all been there before. We can't help but to compare and wonder how our own 80/20 will hold up. The thing is you will never know...don't take it personal..keep it moving..and only focus on the 80% of everyone. Realize Things Fall A Part. We all shine in different ways and at different times. Just make sure it all adds up in a positive manner and let's begin to bridge the gap.
FH: What is your take on the 80/20 rule? Do you believe we focus more on the negatives in a person or from past situations than building off the positives?
Here's one major problem...This 80/20 rule is more prevalent in dating decisions more than we think. Lately I've been hearing a good amount of discussion surrounding the Ms. Andrews Washington Post essay ( I surely hope there's a name change which would eliminate the stereotypical perception of black women) regarding single sisters and their frustrations of not finding quality brothers. I first have to ask the question if sisters are being truthful in what they really want from a brother. As many times I've asked my close lady friends what they really seek in a man and they continue to simplify their responses. Have you ever asked a sister what she really wanted out of a potential brother to date? Responses such as "he needs to have a job, have his own place, have a good relationship with his mother and needs to be a god fearing man". Do any of those sound familiar? Sisters is it really that difficult to find brothers that meet these standards? I come across single brothers who possess these qualities at the bare minimum on the regular then some but still find it difficult to meet quality sisters who appreciate them. Have the expectations towards men diminish that far down from sisters?
Unfortunately when it comes to the 80/20 rule the actions from some of my brothers justify these thoughts as well. We've passed up sisters who had everything we may have wanted in a lady from their high level of education, their optimism to their dreams and goals but kept it moving. We never considered them as strong candidates because of superficial reasons such as if she wore cheap shoes like those slipper type shoes without heals, extra extended weaves, a little extra weight, or if she had some top and bottom flat cakes. Let's be real though, men are too caught up on the visual and women get caught up with what they hear. A deal breaker is a deal breaker and we all should have standards but do we take them too far? Is it because we're too anxious to find that special someone that we don't take the time to really become attractive to the inner qualities and substance someone may bring to the table? Is it more about presentation and what "they" can do for you and how they "appear" for your friends and family? I sense we're all walking around as if our 80% is too good for each other and our 20% deficiencies shouldn't even count or don't even exist? I feel as if success, job titles, degrees ( or lack of) are just cover ups for some people to really hide their insecurities and rely too much of our achievements (or lack of) to define who we really are as a person. We really need to examine what we value in each other to bridge the widening gap between black men and women when it comes to our differences about relationships and dating.
Another aspect of dating and relationships that wears each one of us down are comparisons versus moving to the beat of our drum. Honestly some people let the norms of society determine if they even have 80% of positive qualities to match or align with another. We allow past failed relationships determine our worth or what we have to offer.
For example...I was coolin out with my crew one night, sitting back in the cut at a neo-soul night listening to some nice jams, in a nice atmosphere maintaining and minding mine like I usually do. The vibe was on point, the smell of swazi candles filled the room and the conversation was flowing from topics about Tiger to health care reform to President Barrack rating himself a B his first year. Suddenly my fam gets real quiet and I felt everyone looking over my shoulder and then all eyes were directed on me. As I turned around I came eye to eye with my 2008 love interest. Haven't seen or talked to her in over a year. We abruptly ended our situation without any explanation and all communication ceased. I never knew why she decided to move on but I handled it like a grown man, maintained my dignity and kept it moving. She was on the scene with her new love interest. I sized them up, she waved and I maintained, turned around, took a sip of my Driftwood Scotch (or two), turned back around and looked at all my people faced to face without any sign of hurt. But deep down I wondered what he had that I didn't have. How did his 80% stack up against my 80%. Was his 20% deficiencies easier to deal with than my 20%. We've all been there before. We can't help but to compare and wonder how our own 80/20 will hold up. The thing is you will never know...don't take it personal..keep it moving..and only focus on the 80% of everyone. Realize Things Fall A Part. We all shine in different ways and at different times. Just make sure it all adds up in a positive manner and let's begin to bridge the gap.
FH: What is your take on the 80/20 rule? Do you believe we focus more on the negatives in a person or from past situations than building off the positives?
Join the conversation, add your comment14 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On December 18, 2009, 8:33 am Wood says:
80/20 rule... my first thought was a 20% co-pay, with the insurance picking up the 80% balance; told you I am very literal. Responses such as "he needs to have a job, have his own place, have a good relationship with his mother and needs to be a god fearing man". Do any of those sound familiar? Sure, all the time, and so much the last ten or so years that gave it a term of, "The Last Refuge for Love". Those requirements are a sign of a pooly thought-out romantic plan that imploded.
Rick, I know folks have differing views on how we get from one point to another, with some feeling that it is just life's leasons causing adjustments, while some feeling that the poorly thought out plans just fell through. I can never understand how a sista can have such specific requirement in a man for so long, then all of a sudden changes them in the clear blue... thats not good.I read Ms Andrew's article, and I've seen the "Ms Andrews" plenty of times, as a matter of fact, I have several Ms Andrews as good sistas friends. Did you note the how many times the writer emphacized the education and job times in reference to the sistas... that is real. To them, those things are their primary romantic "calling card". Mass was right on point in his blog with many sistas feeling that they should have a right to have a man of their choice based on those things. Not once was their anything mentioned in that articale that illustrated what those sistas was offering to the men they were seeking. They have this specific image and "type" of brotha that they spend many years searching for, and they spend all their "good" years always searching for that "better offer" that for most, never comes. Anything less than their specific, idealistic and type of brotha is considered as settling, and that is one thing they feel they must avoid. |
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On December 18, 2009, 8:36 am Wood says:
Where is the editing feature.... management!!!!
Stupid ole typos... I didn't do it...lol. |
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On December 18, 2009, 2:00 pm BlackSwan says:
@ Wood
I usually highlight the text, right click and select check spelling, lol but really tho, to your comment about women changing requirements that they want in a man out of the blue, that can't be said for all women. In fact, its not so much a change, it's kinda like a shift. Some women know what they want, and may find someone who could be the complete opposite of that. They either settle, or they step back and say "wait a minute...". But then again, it all depends on how long that woman is willing to settle. The "wait a minute..." moment may take less then a second to the better half of a decade (or decades) to come to realization. But like i said before with my typical dillemas, If I have a "wait a minute..." moment with you, I expect that you will stop, look and listen. If you can't do it, then you won't do it, and there's nothing else left to be said or done. I'm gonna read this "Ms. Andrews" article (if I can find it, lol) before I continue. |
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On December 18, 2009, 4:40 pm Wood says:
Holly shit, you are right... got dammit, why didn't anyone tell me that years ago!!! I can't believe that, it really works!!!It ain't easy being me... poor Wood.
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On December 18, 2009, 4:57 pm Wood says:
Ok CCMartin, now, I know it doesn't go for all, every, etc, women, but it goes for enough to make a major difference in their lives. So women who proclaim to "live and learn" and all of a sudden, look for more significant qualities in a brotha, are really not getting what they want, but actually feel like they always felt throughout their dating lives, but are just settling.
One thing I've always seen CC, is that most women actually come across the brothas whom they really want to be with, but it is with those brothas - not the ones they don't care to be with have to settle - who really give the sista-hood fits. My question is, what happened to those relationships and dating moments? Why can't the sistas make it work with those brothas, because they are plenty of them out there. |
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On December 18, 2009, 5:00 pm BlackSwan says:
lmao, that's so hilarius! I'm not a really cpu savvy person, but I have a lot of moments like that too.
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On December 18, 2009, 5:46 pm BlackSwan says:
Well you no what Wood
I could say ask the same question about some of brothas out there who choose not to make it work. The brothers who choose not to make an effort. The brothers who choose not to care when it matters. when I'm with a PSO, I know their judging me at my best and worst moments. Their judging my personality, my appearance, my ambitions, my goals, how I speak etc. I'm also doing the very same thing with them too cause I wanna know if I can measure just how far the relationship will coast. But when you really think about it, there are somany women out there, and so many men out there, that if we do see a flaw in our PSO's character but not in the person standing next to them, 9/10 times you'll leave the relationship to engage that new interest. This is liek playing the field to me, cause you're not looking to make it work with SO - you're doing what works for you. Another thing I might add, is our sense of reasoning to find a deserving mate. We often compare our interests with a parental figure without even realizing it. Can she cook and clean? Can he be a real handyman? Can they be the mother/father of my children? These questions can be the deal maker/breaker for a relationship. We rely on things like this to rely on each other. If you can't rely on someone, does it make sense to even try? Hope I answered your question ok (^__^)Y |
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On December 19, 2009, 8:20 am Dashon says:
Responses such as "he needs to have a job, have his own place, have a good relationship with his mother and needs to be a god fearing man".
Ture....but add to that...NOT CRAZY! (lol). I say that in jest, but IMO, there are many Brothas that have emotional or mental issues. Not in a need-a-prescription kind of way, but things that they either can't or won't let go of that cripple their ability to truly "relax". Guards are up, and only glimpses of who they REALLY are inside is allowed...generally due to some of the heaviness they carry. Just my 2.5. What is your take on the 80/20 rule? Do you believe we focus more on the negatives in a person or from past situations than building off the positives? Rick, I too believe that we focus too much on the things that when your back is up against the wall, or it feels like your world is spinning without an axis....won't even F'ing matter. Can we flip it? I don't know. A part of me accepts that it is what it is...but the rebel in me rejects its. We know these things....we have experiences that time and time again affirm them, but still we go on the same. Its an individual thing...I don't believe that we are making strides in our focus as a collective. Again...just my 2.5. |
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On December 19, 2009, 9:06 am Wood says:
One thing I know, is what I don't want and and I can articulate why I don't want it, therefore, that is what I need to know first... depending on how I'm looking at the relationship. There are "things" and habits that are common amongst most sistas that I'm not too crazy about, and to me, that is just the "cost of doing business" if I want to date. I don't hold that against a woman because I can't get around it.
Once I'm satisfied with the attributes and quality of a particular sista, I don't keep my eyes open for a "better offer" for what I perceived to be a better deal and I don't add a bunch of non essential "mess" that doesn't or can't add to my happiness. I don't look at high fashion shoes, fancy nails, very high income with a fancy job title, expensive clothing, cars, degrees, etc. Once I determine that I'm satisfied with certain things along those lines and my requirements in what I actually would want are met, a whole lot more of those things are what I call "mess"... like being satisfied after a good meal, but you try to stuff yourself with more food, far past being satisfied... "mess". I think that if folks get past the perceptions, social influences, and societal stigmas and really look at what they want and then try to understand why they like what they like and want what they want, they could then focus on the attributes and the qualities in a person that will actually make a difference. With me, it isn't good enough to "like" or "want" something in a person, I have to be able to say I like or want certain attributes "because"... Yeah, there are some intangibles, but for the most part there has to be an answer as to why. |
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On December 19, 2009, 10:06 am IntroSpectiv says:
@ Rick
I've been thought 80/20 wasn't enough. I've been walking this Earth for the majority of my life thinking that I have to be PERFECT in order to find a decent woman. I mean....just being myself hasn't been working for the first 25 and a half years of my life. It seems (and this is getting worse since I joined the military) that nobody is willing to compromise on ANYTHING anymore. If you don't fit the EXACT FAIRYTALE DESCRIPTION of what a woman wants in a man, you're no good. |
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On December 19, 2009, 12:28 pm MassAppeal says:
The problem with both men and women is that the 80% of what we look for in people forever changes and changes quickly. People can claim more of what they don't want than what they really want whch is why we look for the negatives of people so easily.
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On December 19, 2009, 12:28 pm MassAppeal says:
The problem with both men and women is that the 80% of what we look for in people forever changes and changes quickly. People can claim more of what they don't want than what they really want whch is why we look for the negatives of people so easily.
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On December 21, 2009, 4:05 pm aurora1990 says:
Hey Rick! I think that most ppl focus on the other person's 80/20 and forget about their own 20/80 mess! Someone stated it, that people are so concerned about what the other person is bringing to the table that they rarely focus on what they bring, and they use their outside "status symbols" - (education, career, material things, looks) as their only calling card and generally their basic criteria for finding the "one."
I agree that the 80% you want and the 20% you are willing to compromise on changes as you grow and will be different things at different times in your life. Certainly we are all shaped by our past experiences but they should never cloud your perception of what is standing right in front of you. I strive everyday to be attuned to my relational desires and to communicate them as well to any PSO. |
for me though, I feel that I've looked past judgmental "supercial" values to try and allow that person's inner qualities to shine (friendships too - you gotta start somewhere). If I liked what I saw I would surely have stuck around. I found that as I determined exactly what it was that I didn't want in this PSO, I'd let them know in subtleties or by being direct. If they chose to be ignorant and dismissive, the "80/20" ratio became a 20/80 ratio - so I cut em loose. No sense leading a thirsty horse to water if it won't drink it. But that's just me. I know "me", and I know what "I" want.
So to my next PSO, lol (whomever you might be, lol), do you know what "you" want?