July 29th 2010
The Pendulum
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by primarythoughts.net on February 13, 2010, 3:55 pm in Single Parents
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3 comments |
For every absent father, there is also one that is too present. And you could say the same for Mothers. For every absent parent, there is that parent that becomes SUPER-PARENT. I think one of the main problems in our relationship world is this pendulum that swings between these two worlds. Absent and Present.
We've all heard the adage that people seek to date/marry someone who is like our parent. Why do the experts say this?
Young Child Script (YCS): Studies show that as adults we still have childhood scripts playing in the background of our adult lives. As young children we idealize our parents and we set out as adults to replicate the way our childhood felt.
Older Child Script (OCS): The slightly older child script recognizes some of our parent’s imperfections & works to right the wrongs of our parent's past. You remember those self-talk convos - 'I'm never going to do...' But alas the script is playing your favorite YCS tune at the same time - it feels so familiar; this must be the love of my mom/dad.
This is why you see generations of abusive behavior in families. At best we end up dysfunctional - but hey who isn't?
Ok, back to the pendulum. Between the absentee and oh-so-ever-present parents we have created a HOt MeSS.
So, to all the single parents out there... tone it down. Let your kids see your mistakes. Hell, talk about them at family meetings. Tell on yourself!! Tell how much you f*cked up. Well, maybe not in those words. (And yes, you should not only have one on ones with your children, but family meetings, too). Quit creating environments that are going to lead your children to years of relationship heartbreak and disappointment.
It's one thing to struggle to find the right person. It's another thing to have unrealistic expectations about people and how they should love you. Your children will grow up to spend years searching high & low for a mini-me of you and claiming foul to every situation they couldn't make perfect. Do you get it? We are all mentally on a mission to combine the YCS and the OCS within our adult world. At least give your kids a fighting chance. Get over yourself - you're not perfect and families aren't either. They should know this. Teach them compassion instead of perfection. We all strive to be God-like, but we will never be perfect.
Confession: I was sooo guilty of this and we as a family are working it out. There's nothing perfect about me... well, maybe one thing... *smiles*
Next post! I AM A SUPER-PARENT'S KID: Shoot Me Now
www.primarythoughts.net
www.twitter.com/primarythoughts
We've all heard the adage that people seek to date/marry someone who is like our parent. Why do the experts say this?
Young Child Script (YCS): Studies show that as adults we still have childhood scripts playing in the background of our adult lives. As young children we idealize our parents and we set out as adults to replicate the way our childhood felt.
Older Child Script (OCS): The slightly older child script recognizes some of our parent’s imperfections & works to right the wrongs of our parent's past. You remember those self-talk convos - 'I'm never going to do...' But alas the script is playing your favorite YCS tune at the same time - it feels so familiar; this must be the love of my mom/dad.
This is why you see generations of abusive behavior in families. At best we end up dysfunctional - but hey who isn't?
Ok, back to the pendulum. Between the absentee and oh-so-ever-present parents we have created a HOt MeSS.
So, to all the single parents out there... tone it down. Let your kids see your mistakes. Hell, talk about them at family meetings. Tell on yourself!! Tell how much you f*cked up. Well, maybe not in those words. (And yes, you should not only have one on ones with your children, but family meetings, too). Quit creating environments that are going to lead your children to years of relationship heartbreak and disappointment.
It's one thing to struggle to find the right person. It's another thing to have unrealistic expectations about people and how they should love you. Your children will grow up to spend years searching high & low for a mini-me of you and claiming foul to every situation they couldn't make perfect. Do you get it? We are all mentally on a mission to combine the YCS and the OCS within our adult world. At least give your kids a fighting chance. Get over yourself - you're not perfect and families aren't either. They should know this. Teach them compassion instead of perfection. We all strive to be God-like, but we will never be perfect.
Confession: I was sooo guilty of this and we as a family are working it out. There's nothing perfect about me... well, maybe one thing... *smiles*
Next post! I AM A SUPER-PARENT'S KID: Shoot Me Now
www.primarythoughts.net
www.twitter.com/primarythoughts
Join the conversation, add your comment3 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On February 16, 2010, 11:51 pm primarythoughts.net says:
@Dashon - my point exactly... even if your son doesn't learn from your mistakes and as you've said makes some of those same mistakes... you're teaching him "to err is human".
*so cliche', I know. As he runs into the difficulties of life, he's better equipped because of your example - an honest example, not a perfect facade. |
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On February 22, 2010, 12:54 pm BEASTFRMVA says:
I was lucky to have both of my parents and they both did/do all that they can. I do however acknowledge the theory that children build their thoughts of what their mate should be based on what they see from their parents.
I just ask that people all try their hardest to be strong and upstanding individuals. I know I have seen some very strong single parents some stronger than couples. |
The difference is that when he faces the consequences of those (choices) mistakes, he has a point of reference for the lessons they contain. He also is more apt to talk with me about those experiences...because he knows his Mom can relate...since she's been there, done that.