July 29th 2010
Teach Me How to Love
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by JustAThought on January 11, 2010, 9:17 pm in Dating
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4 comments |
I do NOT like that song by Musiq. But the premise is very helpful in relationships. You have to teach people how to love you. But what really does that mean?I don't know about you, but for me, it means being very real about what I like, what I need, what catches my attention, and what makes me feel loved. It means being very honest about what irks me, what my weaknesses and buttons are, and even areas in which I need to come up higher.Take me for example. Due to the circumstances in my life, I struggle with being vulnerable and letting people help me. And yet, that is the very thing that makes me feel most safe and loved. I also struggle to give in a balanced way, to not try to "win" approval, and to not push people away because I'm afraid to trust in their affection and loyalty.So how could I teach someone how to love me? First, I have to be very aware of the groundrules that I lay in the beginning of the relationship. I have to make sure that I demand treatment that I want and deserve, and that nothing is out of balance. I have to reign in the harmful impulses to want to verbally attack someone or to shut down emotionally. I have to ask for help, let people know ways in whcih they can help me, and be appreciative of what they do without critiquing because it wasn't done to my standards (I have a touch of OCD about somethings, so this is a tough one).These are just some examples. This may seem like a very complicated subject, it really isn't that hard. You have to do a lot of introspection in order to find out what you need, and then to find ways to communicate that to someone in a healthy and productive way. In a relationship, you have to work with your partner to make sure "love" is flowing both ways, that both of you are contributing to making sure the other is being uplifted, complemented, and challenged. It means being humble enough to say "hey, I don't really know what I need but I'd like to try ..." and to apologize when you are being unreasonable. It means being patient with someone who may not know what you need, who definitely is NOT a mind reader, and who can only go in the direction in which you point them (if they are a good relationship partner. If not, drop them like a hot rock). It means deciding that if you stay with someone with whom your relationship has gotten out of balance, that you work with them to get it back to a place that works for the both of you. It means standing up for your needs, and if necessary, letting someone go who cannot love you in an affirming way.
FH Fam: What are some ways in which you teach people to love you? Share your experiences?
Also, is there anything I left off of the list?
FH Fam: What are some ways in which you teach people to love you? Share your experiences?
Also, is there anything I left off of the list?
Join the conversation, add your comment4 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On January 13, 2010, 7:54 am JustAThought says:
@ Rick:
I have asked one person that, but I didn't use the word "love" because we were just starting to date. I asked him to show and tell me how to care for him, wht things let him know is he appreciated, is special to me, etc. You are right a lot of people don't really know what love is, are in love with the situation rather than the person, and claimed a love before they know a person intimately. And I would not long for "the good old days" as if they were some kind of utopia. Sure, there is a ton of things that are good and that we should reinstitute. But there are some things that need to have fallen by the wayside. Remember, for every "simple" positive relationship, there was a woman trapped in a bad marriage because she had no way to provide for herself, men with second and third families, and near silence on the issue of domestiv violence. The only thing that was conclusively better was the music, and at least agreement that marriage was not something that you entered into and subsequently left on a whim. |
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On January 13, 2010, 8:12 pm MassAppeal says:
@Just
Do you let these cats know upfront that you have these harmful impulses or do they just have to find out on their own the hard way? |
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On January 14, 2010, 7:46 pm Dashon says:
@JAT: I've always believed that we teach people how to treat us...and it is most definitely the same with love. My challenge has been having the patience necessary to do that. When I'm dating guys in my age group I expect that certain things will just be known or understood...unfortunately I've found that this is so not the case.
I've given the younger dudes more bandwidth, and been more patient because I felt their age or a different type of home-training (than mine) was a factor in not knowing what I consider to be common sense & common courtesy as it pertains to dating. As I move forward in a quest to open up to give & recieve love, I know that just being able to teach and to learn "how to love" is not enough...I also have to be willing. |
Great blog sister and for the record I like that track. When was the last time you askd a brother to teach you how to love him? In fact I never had a sister ask me that question. The best way to begin to understand how to learn to love someone is to simply ask what do they love about themselves. Has anyone ever asked that question before?
Honestly IMO I feel some people fall in love with the "situation" or the "idea" of being in a relationship before they really begin to even know the person. Some people are quick to go from A-Z in relationship, claim they're in love and demand a predicted outcome before they even know simple things such as a persons 5 year plan, their aspirations, their goals, their insecurities. their favorite Roibus Tea, etc. I've had sisters claim they were in "love" but couldn't even tell you my favorite color or gain a clear understanding of past experiences that have shaped my life or even my views.
I've had women claim to "love forever" or "love always" but it's only contigent on if we're in a relationship or not. Some people love selfishly and conditionally. To some love is only valid if it's recipricated or returned. Someone recently told me my comment about asking someone "where are we headed" was distorted..too conclusive because more people are focused on what they want to hear without really never taking the time to really learn how to love that person. The attempt to build relationships have become too impersonal. Can we go back to the days when all we had to do is check a box or just ask a sister "will you go with me?" Back in the day it was all too simple. Now we're too busy trying to intepret and assume how to love someone rather than beiing direct.
I stand corrected..I plan on asking this next sister to "teach me how to love her"..rather than asking "where are we headed".