July 29th 2010

Killing Us Softly

I loved the show Girlfriends. I used to watch it faithfully, even after they screwed up Toni's storyline and kicked her off of the show. I was beyond pissed when it was unceremoniously canceled.

Anywho, the show, or rather, one episode, is on my mind because of a recent conversation I had with a close friend.  Long story short - I urged her to get tested for HIV and AIDS due to recent events in her life.  My urging fell on (somewhat) deaf ears.

This conversation recalled the episode when Saul Williams rebuffed Lynn's advances by explaining that his poem wasn't about sex, it was about AIDS.  It was about how black women don't recognize their killer.

The statistics on black women and AIDS are dismal. One in 30 Black women will be infected with HIV in their lifetime - twice the infection rate for Black men. AIDS is the leading cause of death for Black women age 25-34. Black women make up 61% of the new HIV infections among women in this country.

To put that in perspective, roughly the same percentage of Black women are getting infected with HIV as are getting baccalaureate degrees.

There have been increased efforts promoting condom use, abstinence, and getting tested regularly.  And increased promoting of sexually active adults staying in committed, monogamous relationships.  There has been some (although markedly less) talk about the importance of women having positive relationships to sex and their bodies, about taking responsibility for our lives, our womanhood, our vessels.

But there has been much more misinformation, a loud insidious campaign to cloud the issue.  I call this the Down Low Smokescreen.

Everyone remembers Terry McMillan's extra-salty face during her acrimonius divorce and public humiliation.  Everyone has heard countless stories of down-low men stepping out on their wives. People talk endlessly about the spread of HIV in jails and prisons, and whisper that it's due to the sex between male prisoners.

But all this urban myth and conjecture just continues to posture AIDS as a gay disease, something that "real" black men - and by extension, "real" black women - don't get.  Women spend so much time and energy trying to develop their gaydar, and yet fail to perform due diligence in checking out the average everyday black man who may very well be death's messenger.

Fellas, walk with me a bit before you get your knickers in a bunch.  Census data reveals that the majority of black relationships are intrarace relationships.  Every statistical measure - and every cultural indicator - shows that black women are more likely to be with a black partner than their male counterparts.  Black women are unflinchingly loyal to black men.

Consider another fact. Gay and lesbian men and women make up a minority of the population.  Even without the stigma that homosexuality has in the black community, and the reluctance of some Blacks to identify as such, they would still constitute a minority of the population.

So, if gay men and women make up a minority of the population, then straight men and women make up the majority.  If most of the population is straight, then most men in that population are straight.  And, according to the National Black Leadership Commission on AIDS, since a majority of black women contract HIV from heterosexual activity, and the majority of men in the population are heterosexual, then Black women are getting HIV from heterosexual men. So who is giving all these black women HIV? Who is killing us?

You can take this as another rant against black men. It isn't.  It's a wakeup call for my sisters.  The infection rate of Black women, combined with our dating patterns, show that we are not using our common sense.  Preserving the warped mythology of black male sexuality - that black men are "real" men who don't do the things that "get" you AIDS - is preventing our community from successfully curbing this epidemic that continues to pick off our mothers, sisters, and daughters.

I want my sisters to realize that yes, that fine upstanding brother with a decent job can give you AIDS. The dude that doesn't have any "gay tendencies" can give you HIV.  The man that says he loves you and will only be with you can give you HIV.  So can the brother who's never been in prisoner, doesn't have any trifling hoodrat baby mamas, who never used drugs, and doesn't seem to be a dog.  Every sexual encounter, every intimate partner has the potential to kill you - whether they fit "the profile" or not.

Sisters, take every potential sex partner - regardless of age, race, criminal record, income, education level, preference for mai tais - down to the doctor's office and both of you get tested.  Have the medical professional share both of your results with each other.  Bump worrying about hurting someone's feelings - worry about preserving your life.  And if he is unwilling to do this, drop him immediately.

I say all this because black women cannot afford to keep the blinders one.  WE can't let this issue slip from the forefront, and we can't keep pretending that this won't happen if we just avoid the "wrong kind of man."  We cannot afford to abdicate responsibility for our health and well being, to play Russian roulette with our lives.

The statistics are dismal, but that doesn't mean that we have to keep adding to them.  And we need to get serious about turning them around.