July 29th 2010

If It Don't Make Dollars, It Don't Make Sense Pt. Two

(... cont'd)

The black community has had a different story, so why do we assume that following the “white” playbook is the best thing for us? Some sociologist and theorists would say that minority groups should reject social institutions and behaviors of the majority. I would not go that far. I will say that black families have different social factors, so different strategies and roles may be needed. But how different can these strategies really be? We do not live in a vacuum. Black women and black men have their relationships in society. Our lives may have different realities, but these realities exist in a larger world that imposes values, lifestyles, and points of view. How can we best navigate these conflicting pressures?

What does this specifically mean in the roles of “man,” “woman,” “husband,” and “wife?” In a society where black men have their manhood denied and denigrated, how can they function effectively as partners when the main currency of manhood in our society – earning superiority – may not be available in their current relationship? In a society that systematically destroys black women physically, socially, and psychologically, how can a man value something that he has been told is OK to devalue and take for granted? How can a woman who is told, through many ways and situations, to “take care of herself, depend on no one, and get her own” etc., choose a subordinate role for herself to when in relationship with someone who, according to the majority narrative, be someone you submit to?

I wonder this as I see my friends married off or entering the point in marriage post-honeymoon but pre-children. Or as I watch older women continue their marriage balancing acts. Of the five or so black women – married women – who's relationships I've observed closely, all but one have the woman as the higher earner. I watch these women present their husbands as the head of the household and decision maker when all evidence points to the contrary. I watch women painstakingly defer to their mates, and I wonder what these women get in return. I'm an outsider, so I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And yet, when I hear a high school acquaintance talk about “we” when describing the house she bought (pre-relationship w/ fiance), the rental home she bought (during relationship where fiance was not working), the savings she accumulated, the fiance she pushed to get his stuff together and get back into school, and the plans for their future family that really are her plans, part of me has to struggle to not call her a hypocrite when she spouts all that “man needs to lead” stuff while I smile politely.

Is it enough that a woman just makes a man feel like the traditional male head of household? Is public perception of the relationship the biggest part of doing that? What does a woman get in return besides the tenuous security of having a man/husband? Is it worth it? What does a man need to do to properly manage his own feelings and emotions when he earns less than his partner/wife? How can a woman enjoy her accomplishments and earning ability without being a jerk to her partner? How can a man communicate his needs to his partner in a relationship that society would judge as defective without becoming domineering? What adjustments do black people need to make in how they educate young men and women about what a successful relationship looks like? As a community, what should be our goals in having black partnerships, marriages, and families? How do we support black relationships, individually and collectively, so that money isn't the end-all and be-all?

In theory, I know that each relationship is different, and that each couple has to navigate their own path based on their personalities, relationship history and goals, and individual challenges that they face. But, is there a way to address the larger narrative that can make this navigation less tumultuous and constricting? So that the road maps match our reality?