July 29th 2010
If it Don't Make Dollars, It Don't Make Sense Pt. One
 |
by JustAThought on February 4, 2010, 5:27 am in Marriage
|
0 comments |
Part One:
A lot of the talk about single black women, marriage rates in the black community, and black family structures hints at the underlying discussion of financial matters. Who makes more. Who does what because of what they [financially] bring to the table. What do happy black families look like. How do these families function. While most of the discussion consists of dogma aimed at making “Woe is Me” the only song that black women should know, I believe there is some merit in taking a long hard look at the financial side of dating and marriage and how that factor influences relationship structure.
Personally, I do not know what type of relationship structure that I will end up with. One non-negotiable is a man that has sound financial habits. I've made mistakes, so I don't expect him to have a perfect history. However, I am past the age where youthful indiscretion is acceptable and I do not plan on being with a financial child. If you manage your money and live reasonably, you can have a decent standard of living without banking a whole lot. And, once the discussion turns to marriage and children, there needs to be increased financial discipline. If a man does not possess those skills, he cannot be a life partner for me.
Now, like most women, I would love for my partner to make more than me. I would like, for ONCE in my life, to be taken care of, at least partially. I would like to take off my battle armor, shed the “strong black woman” archetype the world insists on thrusting upon me, and just be someone's lady. However, that is not likely to happen.
First, although I am currently pursuing a career in a lesser-paying field, I have a technical degree and experience in software project management. Most entry level positions start with a comfortable salary (>$36K per year, which will keep the lights on in most of the country). Working in this field, I could make close to six figures before entering upper management. Even with my current desired career path, with the right opportunities I can close the salary gap between what I could do and what I want to do. Given the statistics being what they are, I am more than likely going to earn more than my future mate, especially if he is black.
Salary is only one part of the equation. So, I brings in X, which is greater than his Y. What does that mean for our relationship? Who cooks? Who does the housework, or how is it split? Who handles the money? Who is primarily responsible for childcare? What if his Y salary is attached to a job with crazy hours (firefighter, cop, support staff, shift work) that prevent him from contributing as much to running the house on a daily basis? What if it makes more sense for him to stay home with the kids while I work full-time?
There was a point in time where I could not, under any circumstances, have a relationship where the man was a “house” husband. Not at all. Given my very aggressive personality back then, I would have been a black woman version of the 1950s husband. And, if you've spent any time with women who were housewives back then, you know how unbearable the 1950s husband was. Don Draper anyone? Shoot, the only reason a lot of those marriages stayed intact was because divorce was shameful, hard to impossible to obtain, and [white] women basically could not work to provide for their families.
Yet that is the model that is represented as the most desirable (if not only) way for a marriage to work. Man goes out, woman stays in. Man is on top, woman is subjugated and submissive. I think this is especially true in the black community, where the church has played a very large role in perpetrating the patriarchal ideal that a family is only successful if it looks a certain way.
This ideal is very disingenuous. Especially because black families, due to myriad conditions, have not looked like this. Black women have ALWAYS worked. Very few had the luxury of being stay at home moms. Even those who did not have full time work utilized resources in their communities to contribute to the household. Women exchanged sewing services for hair services, canned goods for childcare, etc. There has not been a time in the history of this country where black women have had to wonder if they could work – it was about finding better, more lucrative work.
Furthermore, the recent study that came out about more women earning more than men focused heavily on white women. Like most studies in this country, the narrative focused only on a slice of the population. This slice has always looked and behaved differently from the other segments of society. Post slavery, black women were more likely to earn equal or greater wages than their husbands/partners. Heck, most social policies made it very difficult for black men to find decent paying work, so the women contributed more salary-wise. If not for desegregation of manufacturing jobs, and the military, nearly every black household would have had the woman as the higher wage earner.
(cont'd...)
A lot of the talk about single black women, marriage rates in the black community, and black family structures hints at the underlying discussion of financial matters. Who makes more. Who does what because of what they [financially] bring to the table. What do happy black families look like. How do these families function. While most of the discussion consists of dogma aimed at making “Woe is Me” the only song that black women should know, I believe there is some merit in taking a long hard look at the financial side of dating and marriage and how that factor influences relationship structure.
Personally, I do not know what type of relationship structure that I will end up with. One non-negotiable is a man that has sound financial habits. I've made mistakes, so I don't expect him to have a perfect history. However, I am past the age where youthful indiscretion is acceptable and I do not plan on being with a financial child. If you manage your money and live reasonably, you can have a decent standard of living without banking a whole lot. And, once the discussion turns to marriage and children, there needs to be increased financial discipline. If a man does not possess those skills, he cannot be a life partner for me.
Now, like most women, I would love for my partner to make more than me. I would like, for ONCE in my life, to be taken care of, at least partially. I would like to take off my battle armor, shed the “strong black woman” archetype the world insists on thrusting upon me, and just be someone's lady. However, that is not likely to happen.
First, although I am currently pursuing a career in a lesser-paying field, I have a technical degree and experience in software project management. Most entry level positions start with a comfortable salary (>$36K per year, which will keep the lights on in most of the country). Working in this field, I could make close to six figures before entering upper management. Even with my current desired career path, with the right opportunities I can close the salary gap between what I could do and what I want to do. Given the statistics being what they are, I am more than likely going to earn more than my future mate, especially if he is black.
Salary is only one part of the equation. So, I brings in X, which is greater than his Y. What does that mean for our relationship? Who cooks? Who does the housework, or how is it split? Who handles the money? Who is primarily responsible for childcare? What if his Y salary is attached to a job with crazy hours (firefighter, cop, support staff, shift work) that prevent him from contributing as much to running the house on a daily basis? What if it makes more sense for him to stay home with the kids while I work full-time?
There was a point in time where I could not, under any circumstances, have a relationship where the man was a “house” husband. Not at all. Given my very aggressive personality back then, I would have been a black woman version of the 1950s husband. And, if you've spent any time with women who were housewives back then, you know how unbearable the 1950s husband was. Don Draper anyone? Shoot, the only reason a lot of those marriages stayed intact was because divorce was shameful, hard to impossible to obtain, and [white] women basically could not work to provide for their families.
Yet that is the model that is represented as the most desirable (if not only) way for a marriage to work. Man goes out, woman stays in. Man is on top, woman is subjugated and submissive. I think this is especially true in the black community, where the church has played a very large role in perpetrating the patriarchal ideal that a family is only successful if it looks a certain way.
This ideal is very disingenuous. Especially because black families, due to myriad conditions, have not looked like this. Black women have ALWAYS worked. Very few had the luxury of being stay at home moms. Even those who did not have full time work utilized resources in their communities to contribute to the household. Women exchanged sewing services for hair services, canned goods for childcare, etc. There has not been a time in the history of this country where black women have had to wonder if they could work – it was about finding better, more lucrative work.
Furthermore, the recent study that came out about more women earning more than men focused heavily on white women. Like most studies in this country, the narrative focused only on a slice of the population. This slice has always looked and behaved differently from the other segments of society. Post slavery, black women were more likely to earn equal or greater wages than their husbands/partners. Heck, most social policies made it very difficult for black men to find decent paying work, so the women contributed more salary-wise. If not for desegregation of manufacturing jobs, and the military, nearly every black household would have had the woman as the higher wage earner.
(cont'd...)
Join the conversation, add your comment0 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
