September 8th 2010

At What Cost?

I learned something very disturbing yesterday. Reading a blog, I clicked on one of their older posts and found out that Genarlow Wilson, the black man who, at 17, was sentenced to 10 years in jail for getting head from a white 15 year old, committed a rape against a black girl, also 17.  That very night he was getting "becky", he and his friends got the girl drunk, ran a train on her, and tossed her in the bathroom when she was no longer of use.  All of this is on the videotape used in his trial for statutory rape.  He was acquitted of raping the 17 year old.

Shit like that makes my boil. I remember how the issue was framed, how no mention was made of the other victim of the crime, and how everyone rushed to the defense of this ..., how he was framed as a victim.  And the full press defense of black America got him out of jail, into college with a full scholarship from Tom Joyner's foundation. 

The sad thing is, even if his other crimes had been publicized within the black community, I doubt it would have mattered.  Because truth of the matter is, the black community will protect the black male at all costs, come hell or high water.

Oh, I can hear some brothers getting their boxers in a bunch, ready to throw out statistics and personal stories to prove me wrong.  But the truth remains that black men will have undying support of the collective, even if (especially if?) they commit crimes against black women.

R. Kelly was acquitted by a black jury. Stokely Carmichael was an admitted rapist who said he rapes black women to practice for white women (which he never raped). Black women are tsked tsked by black men for any number of real or perceived flaws, and black men and women are quick to apologize and cosign that madness.  Rihanna was accused of provoking Chris Brown and blamed for her own attack by the black blogsphere and black entertainment outlets. 

And don't get me started on the incidence of domestic violence, rape, assault, and murder of black women AT THE HANDS OF BLACK MEN. Even in blogs and forums, in casual conversations, where some black women try to work through their pain, often caused by the hands of black men, they are shut down by the collective.  Black men and black women start up with the "but black women do this," and the "but that's just some brothers" and "why don't you look in the mirror".  If I had a dollar for every time some Captain Save a Bruh derailed a conversation or blog post where I was talking about an issue I had with black men, I'd be a rich woman.I can no longer subscribe to this foolishness. For my sanity, for my wellbeing, for my ability to not develop a deep seated hatred of men who look like me, I will no longer be part of that.  Wrong is wrong, and I'm tired of being told by other faces of the diaspora that my issues, that issues that face women who look like me, are not as important as those for men of the same hue.  I'm tired of us, 'the family', sacrificing the majority of our members (because black women outnumber black men), for the minority who is just as guilty as The Man for oppressing us.  At what cost?  When will there even be restitution?

I'm not talking on an individual level. I don't believe in karma, so you can save all those arguments about individual people getting their bad deeds back.  I'm talking about as a community.  Currently, there are NO consequences for black men who abuse black women, especially in the milder social ways.  If a black dude harbors any level of resentment, any internalized racist beliefs about black women, he can still date, sex, and marry black women. Even one considered "high quality."  A black man can show clear bias against black people, victimize a black woman, and still get support for his professional advancement by black people (Clarence Thomas). Black men can routinely denigrate black women and perpetuate only the worst stereotypes and never get called for it but in fact make millions of dollars at black women's expense AND OUT OF BLACK WOMEN'S POCKETS (Chris Rock, Steve Harvey, DL Hughley, Tyler Perry).  Hell, black male entertainers hem and haw about the handful of instances where black women entertainers put down black men, but they continually put out anti-black women movies, music, and videos, even after they ascend to a position of power and have total creative control.  And they still sell their product.  Only those who had shaky status and a small fan base fall by the wayside if they make a REALLY big error.  Even then, it can be argued that their demise was only hastened, not brought about by the protests of black women.

I have had enough.  The hypocrisy and narcissism of the black male collective, the sheer unwillingness to examine the wounds that they have dealt black women, is unacceptable.  For my mental health, I cannot subscribe to the willingness to blindly support black men, as a whole, because doing so it to willingly harm myself. I refuse to let an unyielding hatred of black men, a hatred borne of negative reactions with black men, remain in my spirit.  This refusal comes from a recognition that you cannot have a positive life with that much negativity in your spirit. But I cannot also hold to something that has been proven false: that black men collectively, by default, are my allies, my friends, my supporters, my friends.  Individual black men can, if they are able, to prove themselves as allies, as friends.  But as a whole they are placed alongside every other threat to my personhood, my safety, my sanity. 

Thankfully, I don't have much work to do in removing toxic black men from my life. The slightest whiff of anti-black woman sentiment expressed by a black man gets him removed to the periphery of my life or flat out removed.  I don't buy a lot of music, support artists/movies that denigrate black women, nor do I put my dollars or time towards ventures that degrade black women specifically. Sadly, I can never eliminate all instances of supporting the kyriarchy because just about every business is based on this society which systemically suppresses certain groups, black women in particular.

This decision has been one that has been rolling around in my head for a while. Groomed as I was within the black collective, I wondered how could I come to such a conclusion.  But then it hit me.  I am worth it.  I am worth having people in my life affirm me.  I am worth being protected, having people be concerned about things that negatively affect me.  I deserve to have entertainment and media that affirms me, that speaks to my issues, and that provides an outlet for effective change. By freeing myself from counterintuitive and counterproductive ways of thinking, I am free to find those things that will add benefit of my life. 

For those of you who will wrongly assume that this is a manifesto to date non-black men, please step your thinking up.  It is not about dating, it is about living. About living in a manner that only allows into my life those people who demonstrate that they have my back, that they value me (and all the parts that make me).  It removes the extra credit black men used to get for being black.  It removes blind loyalty without demonstrated ally-dom, mutual respect, and mutual goals of uplift and empowerment.