September 9th 2010
Is Separated the Same as Single?
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by HoneyDip on September 1, 2009, 1:25 pm in Dating
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38 comments |
Alright folks..I started to post this in Just Talk, but it got too dang long!!!
So I met this guy last year and he was married. For me that was an instant ok - no you are not the one - but I will say the attraction and chemistry were quite strong and there was heavy flirtation and temptation, the latter of which was put out like a fire by me. We met at a networking function out of state. So he had my card and I had his...We stayed in touch...strictly on a business tip. Here and there he'd mention things weren't that great with his marriage and I'd pretty much ignore it except to say, "I hope you all are able to work it out."
Well...now...he's informed me, about 2 months ago, that they are getting divorced. Our convo has still been pretty generic...but he added me to his Facebook page as a friend, but honey it still says he's "married." He is def having a rough time with it cause there are kids involved. He's moved out and we've talked on the phone (something we'd never done) recently. Some of the convos have been him telling me that he feels bad that he did some things in the marriage that led to it falling apart...others more casual...some flirtatious.
Last weekend he alluded to meeting up somewhere (he doesn't live in the A) to catch up and just get away. I am skeptical, not that he is lying about the divorce, but skeptical about "separated equaling single." If the divorce isn't final..It just still feels slightly like infidelty to me to meet up with a still married (on paper) man. But I could use an escapade...Just being real.
I know some states require a year separation before you can be granted a divorce...but to my honeys and homies on the hill...
Does separated mean single? Has anyone ever been in this situation? If I hook up with him am I still "the other woman." I know some couples end up back together after being separated and never get the divorce. I ain't trying to be some hook-up he has to admit to his wife when/if they get back together.
I have no idea of a potential relationship with this man....and frankly am not worried about that at the moment...
My delimma is....that chemistry from that first meeting was mighty powerful...so I'm being pulled by curiousity to connect even if just for a weekend getaway.
So I met this guy last year and he was married. For me that was an instant ok - no you are not the one - but I will say the attraction and chemistry were quite strong and there was heavy flirtation and temptation, the latter of which was put out like a fire by me. We met at a networking function out of state. So he had my card and I had his...We stayed in touch...strictly on a business tip. Here and there he'd mention things weren't that great with his marriage and I'd pretty much ignore it except to say, "I hope you all are able to work it out."
Well...now...he's informed me, about 2 months ago, that they are getting divorced. Our convo has still been pretty generic...but he added me to his Facebook page as a friend, but honey it still says he's "married." He is def having a rough time with it cause there are kids involved. He's moved out and we've talked on the phone (something we'd never done) recently. Some of the convos have been him telling me that he feels bad that he did some things in the marriage that led to it falling apart...others more casual...some flirtatious.
Last weekend he alluded to meeting up somewhere (he doesn't live in the A) to catch up and just get away. I am skeptical, not that he is lying about the divorce, but skeptical about "separated equaling single." If the divorce isn't final..It just still feels slightly like infidelty to me to meet up with a still married (on paper) man. But I could use an escapade...Just being real.
I know some states require a year separation before you can be granted a divorce...but to my honeys and homies on the hill...
Does separated mean single? Has anyone ever been in this situation? If I hook up with him am I still "the other woman." I know some couples end up back together after being separated and never get the divorce. I ain't trying to be some hook-up he has to admit to his wife when/if they get back together.
I have no idea of a potential relationship with this man....and frankly am not worried about that at the moment...
My delimma is....that chemistry from that first meeting was mighty powerful...so I'm being pulled by curiousity to connect even if just for a weekend getaway.
Join the conversation, add your comment38 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On September 1, 2009, 1:35 pm MassAppeal says:
Honey Dew I wouldn't touch the situation until the divorce is finalized. It also seems as if he needs sometime to recover. Don't become the immediate rebound chick but you should definitely remain his friend. Use this time to get to know him on a casual level but keep it at a nice steady pace.
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On September 1, 2009, 1:42 pm HoneyDip says:
@travily - girl..you touched on my issues with it. I typically don't want any parts of it...lol...it's funny how seasons will put you in a different way..and honey, i am in sort of a dry season (lol) so my desire(s) need to be quenched..but at the same time it may not be worth it in the end if he ends up back with his wife and like you said I'm all mixed up in THAT....
@Mass - I am feeling your perspective...this does smell of rebound chick...but on my mind I'm like...I may not want this dude long term anyway...I have always had a problem with my chemistry curiousity getting the better of me.... How do I keep it casual when he's asking when we gonna meet up! LOL |
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On September 1, 2009, 1:44 pm travilly says:
lol @ honeydip
if you go in with both eyes open after weighing all the pros, cons, and potential consequences, and you fly away to your secret destination, then you'd be wiser than most. i know divorce is an emotional thing but the whole "married" status on FB would have deaded it for me. |
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On September 1, 2009, 1:45 pm MassAppeal says:
Honey would you consider a short fling with this guy?
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On September 1, 2009, 1:48 pm Hiatus says:
Until the divorce is final I would carry on as usual with this guy. Alot of women who Ive spoken with that happens to be the other woman by falling for the we are about to get divorced bit.....every month, year that guy would say its complicated it'll be done soon.....yeah you still the other woman.
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On September 1, 2009, 1:49 pm Dashon says:
Honey: I agree with Travilly & Mass. There is always the possibility that they could decide to give it another try, and even if that's not the case being the "rebound" person rarely pays off in terms of it developing into a relationship of substance. If you're just looking for some fun--no strings attached...go for it....otherwise I would say "No Deal."
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On September 1, 2009, 2:03 pm OldSolPoet says:
I echo Dashon's statement of if you're just trying "quench your thirst" and you can leave it there then handle your business. But then what if drops the hot shit on you and your nose gets wide open? That is a very realistic possibility and then you are just out there wide open being the other chick. Separated is not single.
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On September 1, 2009, 2:12 pm HoneyDip says:
@WF and Dashon - Yall are looking out for Ms Dip's emotions eh? and my conscience...thank you ladies...
@Mass...a fling..well..perhaps. This is all giving me an idea for another blog "Tired of being the good girl..." hmmm lmao @ OldSolP saying "what if he drops the hot $h@t" so very true..and not a good look tryin to close my nose back up... So if anyone has been divorced are you saying you didn't date while separated? |
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On September 1, 2009, 2:15 pm HoneyDip says:
@travilly that status was some serious bizness...I'm like..hello..take her off your page...let's start moving on! LOL I've never been in his situation so my sympathy is prolly lacking...but I'm like...for real..update yo status..maybe he's afraid of his 195 friends seeing it's over..FB does put you on blast like that..but umm...ain't it over? LOL..let me stop...
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On September 1, 2009, 2:27 pm girlygirl33 says:
It depends...it really does. In Chi town...unless you both decide to end the marriage and sign the waiver form...there is a TWO YEAR "cooling off" period. My ex refused to sign...so I had to wait. Trust me...I was sooooo divorced in my head it wasn't funny and I dated...
To me you really have to see where his head is at, how long he's been separated, etc.... |
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On September 1, 2009, 2:39 pm Dashon says:
Honey:
I tried to date...what I mean is that I talked to guys, went out a few times, but my head & heart were not really into it, and I was just going through the motions. When I did allow myself to open up a little bit, the dude ended up being a rebound because once I was feeling stronger...I realized that I while I liked him...I didn't like him enough to consider anything serious with him. Girly gave you a good piece of advice: "you really have to see where his head is at". |
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On September 1, 2009, 2:49 pm MassAppeal says:
I agree with Sol. If he puts it down properly Honey it could be emotionally dangerous. Would you be ready for that or would you be the one to cause him to get caught up and him all up in his emotions forcing him to expedite the divorce procedures? What are you working with Honey?
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On September 1, 2009, 2:55 pm Dashon says:
@Mass & Sol: Y'all went there uh? LMAO...yall a mess....LOL!
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On September 1, 2009, 3:07 pm MassAppeal says:
Dashon you've never been caught off guard by some unexpected good sex and woke up the next morning and cooked some breakfast in the nude like ole boy from Baby Boy? Had you waking him up asking what he want...pancakes or waffles? Sausage or turkey, milk or orange juice? whip cream..... or jelly? Flats or heels..lol
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On September 1, 2009, 3:11 pm Dashon says:
@Mass: Of course! Live long enough you'll experience a lil bit of everythang. Now on the filipside, I have had breakfast in bed served to me as well *wink,wink*
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On September 1, 2009, 3:14 pm Dashon says:
@Mass: Although you didn't ask.... My order would be: Pancakes, Turkey, Orange Juice, Strawberry Jelly....and of course...naked while he serves it! LMAO!
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On September 1, 2009, 3:16 pm OldSolPoet says:
Yes I did date while waiting for the divorce to be final. Mentally I wasn't in to it though no matter how much I thought that I was. One person I really liked but couldn't get there emotionally. I even passed up some hot sex on a platter because I wanted to get know the person better because I felt like there could be more there than just sex. Damn come to think of it, I'm still mad I let that one get away. UMPH!
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On September 1, 2009, 3:52 pm travilly says:
lmao @ UMPH lololol
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On September 1, 2009, 3:54 pm girlygirl33 says:
@Travilly...Yeah...I think OldSol had a flashback mid-sentence! LOL!
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On September 1, 2009, 3:57 pm travilly says:
*rollin*
i mean i know i lived with an ex and we broke up before the lease was up and i dated, but that in no way compares to the breakup of a marriage. |
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On September 1, 2009, 4:03 pm HoneyDip says:
so see..I could be like OldSolP one day saying UMPH...LOL...when this dude is full fledged single and off with the girl who does decided to date him while separated...lol
@OldSolP Honey, I appreciate your honesty. @Mass - I am workin wit a little sumthin..LOL! I have never been wrong about the chemistry connection. When it's been there the sex has been off the chain!!!! So there is 99.9999999999% chance my nose could be open. I've never been caught off guard by it...Blame it on good sexual-intuition. Hmm..what to do...what to do... |
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On September 1, 2009, 4:04 pm Hiatus says:
i lived with an ex and we broke up before the lease was up and i dated
**Dies** |
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On September 1, 2009, 4:14 pm MassAppeal says:
Dashon I'm trying to keep this PG but keep talking and I'm going to have you walking around with only some heels and a Pistons jersey on trying to do a pick and roll. What number you want?
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On September 1, 2009, 4:33 pm Dashon says:
Okay now Mass....don't get your ankles broke...my cross-over is fatale! (LOL)
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On September 1, 2009, 4:38 pm MassAppeal says:
lol..Dashon you might have a wicked cross over but can you score when it matters....with the game on the line..to win the game?
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On September 1, 2009, 4:42 pm Dashon says:
I'm like MJ I always hit the game winner! (lol)
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On September 1, 2009, 4:47 pm MassAppeal says:
Uhh...Enough Said... Game over. Guess you would need to be carried off the court..into the locker room.
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On September 1, 2009, 5:54 pm MakStar says:
1) It is still too soon to know if they will get back together with his wife
2) Most married men use other women as a REBOUND to get over their marriage quicker and once divorced move on from that rebound person. (my ex-husband did that when he divorced his 2nd wife - the 1st woman he dated after his divorce/separation didn't last - she was the hump that helped him get over his EXwife) 3) Men married their WIVES for a reason....you think they are leaving easily? There are too many emotional connectios involved. 4) Bottom line is yall are GROWN..if you are attracted to him leave it at that. Sexually attraction does not = Love or = Commitment by this man 5) When MEN are MARRIED and no divorce in site, they still cheat...even if they have a passionate FLING with someone they are NOT LEAVING THEIR WIVES 6) He will always have an emotional attachment to his wife 7) My brother has a woman around and just got a divorce this woman was there when he was separated and now divorced..he alredy told her she is not the one for him ...she keeps cooking, cleaning, being there, weve met her, she has met my mom ..it doen't matter he doesn't want her beyond what he established...the rest is on her ... Just the way it is its too soon to think of this as anything other than sex and you are his comfort while going through a stressful situation. I would have NOTHING to do with it....but..you are grown...if you sleep with him for curiousity or lack of selfcontrol....personally I would keep it moving afterwards..no one is judging you |
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On September 1, 2009, 10:32 pm SoulonArt says:
Speaking from someone who went through the separated/divorced scenario I say keep your distance from someone going through a divorce. Regardless of the situation he has some things to handle before he's emotionally prepared to move on. Divorce takes a HUGE toll of you and no matter how amicable the separation is/was he's not ready. If you must, proceed with caution.
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On September 2, 2009, 10:59 am justmeandu says:
i dated a girl who was seperated. but it wasn't serious. we were what the other needed at the time. i knew it wasnt going anywhere so if thats your case it might be ok.
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On September 2, 2009, 5:19 pm SweetAfrica7 says:
I say "Run don't walk to the nearest EXIT!" This man is still somebody else's husband. Why put yourself in the position to become emotionally attached to someone who cannot truly be available to you.
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On September 2, 2009, 9:32 pm HoneyDip says:
@Makstar you came with the real deal....I have digested your response specifically and took it to heart...thank you for breaking it down like that...I am leaning towards living well enough alone. Just because dessert is on the menu doesn't mean you have to order it, right?
@All It seems like I could be opening up a can of worms for a weekend of getting my swerve on...and it really doesn't seem worth it... I'm kinda glad he doesn't live here though...cause honey, I think it would be harder to keep that self control in check... |
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On September 3, 2009, 9:37 am Wood says:
*Grown folks only please*
Look, if you want to f.ck him, go ahead and f.ck him...married, single, separate or not. It isn't too far in left field that sistas who proclaim to be single, are sexing somebody, somewhere anyway, and most just turn a blind eye to their lover's side activities. If it ain't the first time you have knowingly sexed another sista's man, no use in kicking yourself over this one, unless you are having a religious revelation or something... and probably not the first time you have given up some uncommited loving during your time. No use in getting all moral now...lol. Hell, he laid the usual "ground work" on how bad his marriage is doing... its the same ole song, and you didn't back away because you still got a "tingle" between your legs over this man... go ahead with the getaway and let that man get his groove on...lol. Hell, his wife probably cut the poor guy off. |
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On September 3, 2009, 1:17 pm BEASTFRMVA says:
The funny thing about society is now not only does seperated mean single, but single means single and so does married! Nothing is sacred anymore and to be honest you have to judge things not off of his status or what he tells you but more so what he shows you.
I currently have more married women attempting to sustain a relationship than any single woman that I know. So I would feed this with a long spoon until I know the answer for myself! I literally forced my ex to get the complete divorce before we titled. How was I going to be the boyfriend for the married woman? |
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On September 4, 2009, 7:54 pm HoneyDip says:
@Wood...I can't say I've knowingly sexed another woman's man..not my style..which is why I've been perplexed. I ain't no freakin angel but at the same time I have my own "code" that I try to follow...It's been interesting to hear the different perspectives. I think there is no black and white answer to "is separated single?" It seems like people have varying perspectives on the matter. As far as uncommitted lovin I think everyone can check off that box unless they were a virgin at the time the were married....
@Beast - Honey...you have a point...single is a state of mind for most people these days...you can be married but act very single... |
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On September 5, 2009, 10:51 am MakStar says:
@Beast
You are right. The same goes on the flip side. There are more married or separated men willing to get into a relationship and MAKE time for you than any single man I know, It does seem in some groups, i'm not going to generalize, but from what I've observed, Married, Separated, and Single people all behave the same. You can't even go off of what anyone says. You just have to have discernment, ask lots of questions, decide what YOU are comfortable with, and watch the behavior like you said. |
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On September 5, 2009, 11:00 am MakStar says:
@Beast
You are right. The same goes on the flip side. There are more married or separated men willing to get into a relationship and MAKE time for you than any single man I know, It does seem in some groups, i'm not going to generalize, but from what I've observed, Married, Separated, and Single people all behave the same. You can't even go off of what anyone says. You just have to have discernment, ask lots of questions, decide what YOU are comfortable with, and watch the behavior like you said. |
For me, separated is NOT single. I won't touch it with a 10 foot pole. But that is just ME. I want a dude to be mentally, physically, legally, and all other -lly unencumbered.
Plus....separated means he could go back to his wife. I'm not mixingmy body or emotions up in THAT.
Now if you can handle that it might just be the weekend getaway and nothing more, then you do what you want to do.
But there are too many red flags in this sitcho for me to get down.