July 29th 2010
Women: Why That Guy?
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by BEASTFRMVA on November 5, 2009, 12:35 pm in Dating
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33 comments |
I am directing this at the women as I am a man and my desire is to understand. Understand how and why women continue to deal with "That Guy"? As some of you know my occupation is teaching and the other day one of my male students said something that prompted this blog. As he was talking with a young lady in class she said to him "I have a boyfriend and I am faithful."
He asked "Why are you faithful to someone who treats you so bad?" He then asked her why she never thought about talking to him?
To which she responded "I'm with somebody!"
He then blurted out "No, you are with NO-BODY. At least until he appreciates you that's who he should be to you. NO-BODY!"
This is a 16 year old male who obviously appreciates women and their worth. But as I was talking with one of my partners and he said "How can you appreciate women when they don't appreciate themselves? These women are letting men treat them any kind of way in private and many are being treated any kind of way in public! They are letting you do anything and everything to them and many are even letting you film it!" To this I ask why deal with that woman?
When I asked what makes a man act this way in the first place? The response I got was "Because she lets me" or "Because I can!" These brothers basically said that they do what they do because they can get away with and women let them do it!
As we were out eating the other day the young lady at the table with us was complimenting the food I selected and the insecure brother's response was yeah "You should date him!" as she got ready to retort she caught herself and he began telling her I know you are not mad and every time she began to open her mouth her told her to shut up. I mean what woman stands for this? But the crazy thing is after all that she still paid for his meal! So yeah he did it because he could! What's worse is she has given him the opportunity to do it again!
Yes now women I know you all can say what kind of man is he? That is a whole separate blog! I just want to know why women continue to accept the cheaters, the liars, abusers (verbal and physical)? Why do they accept those that don't support them? Those who are so selfish and could care less about you and who you are? Those men (loosely placed identifier) who leave you and your kids whereever and when ever he can? I myself due to my lifestyle have vowed to not put myself out there to be what I can not be. Therefore until I get through this last hump of busy time in my life (which is over in Jan) then I will not start anything new! So I say again "Women: Why That Guy?"
He asked "Why are you faithful to someone who treats you so bad?" He then asked her why she never thought about talking to him?
To which she responded "I'm with somebody!"
He then blurted out "No, you are with NO-BODY. At least until he appreciates you that's who he should be to you. NO-BODY!"
This is a 16 year old male who obviously appreciates women and their worth. But as I was talking with one of my partners and he said "How can you appreciate women when they don't appreciate themselves? These women are letting men treat them any kind of way in private and many are being treated any kind of way in public! They are letting you do anything and everything to them and many are even letting you film it!" To this I ask why deal with that woman?
When I asked what makes a man act this way in the first place? The response I got was "Because she lets me" or "Because I can!" These brothers basically said that they do what they do because they can get away with and women let them do it!
As we were out eating the other day the young lady at the table with us was complimenting the food I selected and the insecure brother's response was yeah "You should date him!" as she got ready to retort she caught herself and he began telling her I know you are not mad and every time she began to open her mouth her told her to shut up. I mean what woman stands for this? But the crazy thing is after all that she still paid for his meal! So yeah he did it because he could! What's worse is she has given him the opportunity to do it again!
Yes now women I know you all can say what kind of man is he? That is a whole separate blog! I just want to know why women continue to accept the cheaters, the liars, abusers (verbal and physical)? Why do they accept those that don't support them? Those who are so selfish and could care less about you and who you are? Those men (loosely placed identifier) who leave you and your kids whereever and when ever he can? I myself due to my lifestyle have vowed to not put myself out there to be what I can not be. Therefore until I get through this last hump of busy time in my life (which is over in Jan) then I will not start anything new! So I say again "Women: Why That Guy?"
Join the conversation, add your comment33 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On November 5, 2009, 1:29 pm MSDAVISRN says:
Taken from experience, we sometimes deal with "that guy" just to say we have someone. Another reason is that we think that eventually he will change and he really does love me. Its not until you grow into your own and mature that you realize that how he is treating you is not "love". I chose to be single at this time because now i know i dont have to settle for anything just to say i have someone.
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On November 5, 2009, 1:34 pm BEASTFRMVA says:
I see your point but why do women deal with some guy that you need to change instead of finding the MAN who can fulfill what you deserve?
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On November 5, 2009, 1:48 pm MSDAVISRN says:
Some women feel that they can "change that man" or make him into what they want him to be and that is not so. In order for change to happen, the other party has got to be willing to change. If you start off as friends, you will find out the persons ways and whether or not you can deal with them before you say you are in a relationship with that person.
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On November 5, 2009, 2:03 pm iamwiddy says:
What I've come to realize is that some of us are with our mates because we see their "potential". What we fail to realize is that potential in a person is stagnant. In order for someone to be of any value, their potential must become kinetic and put to good use. Women believe they can love the bad out of someone. As Latrice stated, they think they'll be able to change their mate. It's a sad state of affairs to believe two half-individuals will make a whole. In all actuality, 1 1=3, not mathematically speaking but two complete individuals are greater together.
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On November 5, 2009, 2:23 pm Ayanna says:
As Latrice stated, sometimes women settle just to say they have someone. In my years of trials & tribulations, I have learned that it's more hassle to try to hold on to "that guy" than to just be content with who you are and wait until that "MAN" you desire comes along. I can honestly say I am happier and I will continue to wait until the right one comes along.
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On November 5, 2009, 2:33 pm Jello says:
I agree with Latrice and iamwiddy.....but I also think it has alot to do with a person's self-esteem also. I can say this because I was once one those women with low self-esteem. Due to me not thinking highly of myself, I continually picked "That Guy." It took me to realize that I deserved much better than what I was picking. I've been single for a long time now; and I'm fine with it.
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On November 5, 2009, 2:38 pm Ayanna says:
Yes that is very true. It does have to do with low self-esteem. Often in the relationship "that guy" will tell the woman than no one is going to be with her and so forth and that mental abuse wears on the woman and she doesn't believe in herself which results in her staying with him and dealing with his mess.
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On November 5, 2009, 2:47 pm iamwiddy says:
Very good points were made but what is the resolution? We're speaking in terms of grown woman acting out this way. How do we reach our younger, easier-influenced women? And what about the men? How do we reach the younger, easier-influenced men before they become "that guy"?
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On November 5, 2009, 2:49 pm MSDAVISRN says:
And the mental abuse last for years, as i am a victim of that. The end result is that when you do start to date again, you accept anyone that comes your way because you feel that noone else wants you. So the cycle of abuse starts over again until you decide enough is enough. I find that being single lets me avoid the headaches of lies and betrayal that may come.
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On November 5, 2009, 2:51 pm Ayanna says:
That is a very good question. It's going to take a lot out dedicated outreach. Letting them know that this is not okay behavior. It's basically trying to break the cycle because don't forget this is a learned behavior and often times these women have children that witness this and in turn think this is the way things are supposed to operate.
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On November 5, 2009, 2:51 pm Ayanna says:
That is a very good question. It's going to take a lot out dedicated outreach. Letting them know that this is not okay behavior. It's basically trying to break the cycle because don't forget this is a learned behavior and often times these women have children that witness this and in turn think this is the way things are supposed to operate.
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On November 5, 2009, 2:59 pm Jewlea says:
All of those questions go back to one simple response, one has to know oneself before a "meaningful" relationship takes place in one's life. Pickings of men are slim, in some aspect, and as a result women take what is out there. Initially, MOST men do not go into a relationship with the thought of becoming cheaters, liars, abusers, etc. For a man to get to the point where they become cheaters, liars and/or abusers, usually that means that all their needs in one aspect is not met in one relationship, so instead of letting that relationship go they find one who will accept their lifestyle and fulfill the need or needs that they are seeking.
So, with that being said, women accept this from men because they do not want to be single, and I am in agreement with all the above comments. |
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On November 5, 2009, 3:03 pm REMY says:
As ignorant as this may sound I think some women just get tired of waiting or looking for the good man and they end up settling for "that guy". Why settle you ask.... it could be insecurities etc. real truth alot of these "men" out here are alike. They have a story line in the beggining to "hook" you then they change the game as they "get you". Same stuff man after man. You figure why go get a new cheater etc.. when you can keep the one you have... It's sad but the truth for some. I agree with the other things that were mentioned earlier as well.
As for the statement "Because she let's me" or "because I can".. well that makes me sick. I think females are hungry for love and can't seem to find it. Men know this and take advantage of it. Key word to me is RESPECT and for some that word doesn't exsist to them. That also goes both ways wether your the one being disrespected or allowing yourself to be disrespected. It is just a bad cycle. |
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On November 5, 2009, 3:06 pm Jewlea says:
All of those questions go back to one simple response, one has to know oneself before a "meaningful" relationship takes place in one's life. Pickings of men are slim, in some aspect, and as a result women take what is out there. Initially, MOST men do not go into a relationship with the thought of becoming cheaters, liars, abusers, etc. For a man to get to the point where they become cheaters, liars and/or abusers, usually that means that all their needs in one aspect is not met in one relationship, so instead of letting that relationship go they find one who will accept their lifestyle and fulfill the need or needs that they are seeking.
So, with that being said, women accept this from men because they do not want to be single and I am in agreement with all the above comments. |
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On November 5, 2009, 3:14 pm REMY says:
I agree 100% with you Jewlea.
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On November 5, 2009, 3:20 pm RickGeez says:
I find sisters not really knowing what they really want out of a man in a good number of cases so they take whatever attention that comes their way.
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On November 5, 2009, 3:24 pm REMY says:
Interesting...... never thought of that.
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On November 5, 2009, 3:25 pm iamwiddy says:
Finally! Another male's perspective! Is "playing hard-to-get" a thing of the past? Do women believe that if men show particular attributes that they desire, alongside the attributes that they don't care for so much, that they should settle?
There was once a time when females would play hard to get until they got exactly what they wanted in a man...because they are worth it! But just as RickGeez says they don't even know what they want. So sad. I suggest women get a CHECKLIST! You can fill out an application for credit, employment, loans among other things but you don't think the person you wish to spend your days with should have to meet certain requirements? |
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On November 5, 2009, 4:16 pm Sexygoat says:
Lack of self esteem is the cause because when you know your worth you won't settle for anything less than you deserve. What's frightening is that so many women suffer from self esteem. I make sure that I build my daughter's confidence and let her know that she is "it" and she is only 7. There is no age limit on teaching self love.
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On November 5, 2009, 4:47 pm RickGeez says:
Sisters I've been blitzed with all the questions in the world and I know I pass most checklists. Sisters claim they want a guy that has their situation in order and don't know what to do when they get one. (works both ways for sure). I've seen too many sisters run back to ex's who have cheated, had babies behind their backs, dogged them (yeah "That Guy"). I've seen it too many times. It's hard to get excited about meeting a new sister because you're always wondering when the other show may fall no matter how confident a brother may be.
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On November 5, 2009, 4:53 pm MSDAVISRN says:
Its because we have been mistreated in the past and feel like the next guy will do the same (keeping your guard up). But all to often we run the good guy away because of our fears. We must first, as women, be confident in ourselves and love ourselves before we can love someone else. So with all that said, the woman needs to be complete before she will know what a complete man she may have met.
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On November 5, 2009, 4:58 pm RickGeez says:
Well said Latrice and that works for men also. We all need to keep our souls and spirits healthy before we bring someone new into our lives or it will be one continious viscious cycle.
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On November 6, 2009, 9:26 am BEASTFRMVA says:
@iamwiddy You are right on where I was going with this...playing hard to get is a thing of the past for most women (reference: http://www.flaglerhill.com/blog/BEASTFRMVA/can-i-get-some-buns-for-some-fries.php)
As for there being slim pickings as some of you said...well because so many are willing to settle and not play hard to get and make someone appreciate a relationship and work for it...well then the pickings are slim because so few of us are required to be good. Truth is if you give me $10 an hour to dig ditches or $10 and hour to watch grass grow...which one do you think I will pick? Problem is that there are so many grass growers in the world! |
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On November 6, 2009, 9:51 am Reina says:
Though I don't want to be repititive, I don't have the time to read all the comments before posting my thoughts. Most people, particularly women, are afraid to go after what we deserve. I find it similar to asking for a raise at work. You know you deserve it, but you're afraid to find out that you boss doesn't think you do. Or to ask and not only not get the raise but fear that the boss will see how desperate you are and demote you. We fear being alone so terribly that we allow it to make us stagnant and unhappy and attempt us to make daisies out of feces.
I don't believe there is a good man shortage. What I do find there to be a shortage of is women brave enough to demand one and smart enough to spot one. |
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On November 6, 2009, 10:05 am iamwiddy says:
"I don't believe there is a good man shortage. What I do find there to
be a shortage of is women brave enough to demand one and smart enough
to spot one. " -Reina
"Truth is if you give me $10 an hour to dig ditches or $10 and hour to watch grass grow...which one do you think I will pick? Problem is that there are so many grass growers in the world!" -BeastFrmVA *APPLAUSE* Yall can go home now! LOL! |
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On November 6, 2009, 12:59 pm DarkNight says:
Reina, spoken like a true gem. Women have to raise their own bar and expect more... no insist more.
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On November 9, 2009, 4:21 pm Dashon says:
@Beast: That's the million dollar question, and while I agree with a lot of the perspectives that have already been shared as to why that is...but I think sometimes its as simple as not being able to control who we love, or to immediately stop loving them when it finally registers -- this aint good for me.
If we were always able to control our hearts and prohibit it from loving someone who is not worthy of that love...then I think we would probably see less folks (male/female) hanging on to a relationship long after they know in their HEADS that they should throw up the dueces and split. Just my 2.5. |
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On November 13, 2009, 5:11 am MzNice says:
Women date "that guy" because hes often the one other women desire. We continue to date the same guy with a different face, as we have not yet taken to time to become comfort and familar with ourselves. As the female (latrice i think) stated some of us are with 'that guy' just to have someone to lay with at night. Why do we keep referencing 'what we deserve" we deserve what we demand, if its ok with you to sleep with someone who only calls after 12AM then thats what you deserve. You dont deserve a weddingband if you're will to sleep with him and all his friends. More often than none, people treat us the way befitting to us. If you act like an idiot, you're going to be treated like a moron, you cant act like a whore and except someone to treat you like mother teresha. The lack of self-respect and self-worth is evident not solely in the guys we date but in the way we carry ourselves. The fact the we fight and argue over the men we knowly share with women, not only proves that we are getting what we deserve, but that unless we start demanding and stop asking for respect we will continue to be treated as such ourselves, the way these men view our worth.
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On November 13, 2009, 5:13 am MzNice says:
Women date "that guy" because hes often the one other women desire. We continue to date the same guy with a different face, as we have not yet taken to time to become comfort and familar with ourselves. As the female (latrice i think) stated some of us are with 'that guy' just to have someone to lay with at night. Why do we keep referencing 'what we deserve" we deserve what we demand, if its ok with you to sleep with someone who only calls after 12AM then thats what you deserve. You dont deserve a weddingband if you're will to sleep with him and all his friends. More often than none, people treat us the way befitting to us. If you act like an idiot, you're going to be treated like a moron, you cant act like a whore and except someone to treat you like mother teresha. The lack of self-respect and self-worth is evident not solely in the guys we date but in the way we carry ourselves. The fact the we fight and argue over the men we knowly share with women, not only proves that we are getting what we deserve, but that unless we start demanding and stop asking for respect we will continue to be treated as such ourselves, the way these men view our worth.
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On November 13, 2009, 10:43 am Wood says:
Beast, I have always felt that there is a "climate" and perspective out there within the dating arena that is created based on experiences and exposures. I really can't comment on a sista's self esteem or lack of it, but I do think that many are with "that guy" deliberately and this creates an atmosphere with the man's mind. I've known the "that guy" all my life, and they always had plenty of sistas who were just out there having their fun.
Anytime I hear the "sista-hood" talk about what they "deserve" or so-called higher standards, men pursuing them like they "use to", etc, I'm agreeing, but that always leads me back to the million dollar question... for who? Which man? As a man, I don't want to "pay" the same price for a Hertz rental used a bunch of escaping bandits in a LAPD high speed chase, as I would a "low ownership" Factory Certified pre-owned vehicle. I've always been considered the "nice guy", but I quickly became a nice guy with a "twist"...hell, a bonified nice guy gets little action from the sistas, so let keep it "real". Over the years I have heard sistas say to me and about certain brothas who they actually thought were good brothas, that he is the type of guy that they would want when they are ready to get serious...WTF. I never use the term "bad boy" or "thugs", but one thing I will attest to, is that for the most part the nice, kind, sincere, respectful, subtle and low key type of guy will end up getting the woman, but only after the so-called bad and pretty boy, the sex buddies, all the "that guy", etc had their fun. I feel that for the most part, sistas know all along when they are younger that those "that guy" are not the type of men they really want end up with, and that they do want the good, nice, and hard working guy, but they are saving the "prize" for him... at the very end. |
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On November 30, 2009, 8:15 am BEASTFRMVA says:
Wood you know the weird thing about this entire thing: I swear that I have been a nice guy for some women, that guy for others and still tried to be the right guy for those that I thought were the right girl.
Truth is I don't think any of us intentionally set ourselves up to deal with the wrong person. The question that I have yet to understand is why do we continue to deal with that one that we know is wrong? |
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On November 30, 2009, 8:17 am BEASTFRMVA says:
MzNice...I think your comment is true and relates to this article I previously wrote: http://www.flaglerhill.com/blog/BEASTFRMVA/can-i-get-some-buns-for-some-fries.php
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On April 14, 2010, 11:37 am pinky says:
Some women are so desperate to be in a relationship that they put up with it. They don't want to be alone. They think that it's better to be with someone than to be alone. Here in Atlanta, your scenario is commonplace. Men know they outnumber women. They figure that if one won't let me do what I want to do; then, another one will. No biggie. Another reason would be low self-esteem. Women who know their worth don't put up with crap like that.
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