September 8th 2010
Are We Too Busy to Date?
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by TMurray on October 16, 2009, 1:33 am in Dating
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4 comments |
It's hard to believe the holidays are just around the corner and soon enough we will be ushering in a new year full of pledges to make change and commitments. Once November rolls around it seems as if we run right on through the rest of the year with a relentless speed. During these times we all inevitably become busy. Busy with family, friends, work projects coming to a close, travel and just a "to do" list that has been growing since January.
In my dating life I have recently encountered a man who has become busy with work. Now I have no reason to believe he isn't telling the truth, but his constant comment and the fact that we haven't connected in person in weeks has me thinking. I grew up believing that we all make time for the things we want to make time for in life. This is beyond work, responsibilities, commitments and other acton items. If we want to see someone, I think we find a way to see that person or talk to them. Anything less than that to me has always been a choice.
On the other hand I have found that sometimes I am busy, out of town or unavailable. So I began to wonder if my assessment is fair. I tend to think of myself as an extremely busy person who knows how to balance time well. Most months I can balance job, business, working out, friends and family well, still finding time to sit at home and watch a reality show or write a blog. As of late I've fallen off my workout schedule and I sometimes struggle during the week to find a free moment for myself. One night this week I had a conference call, followed by a call with my sister, followed by another conference call, after which I had a throbbing headache and no desire to reach out and touch anyone on a personal more social level.
There have been times that men have reached out to me to connect and I haven't been available. My frustration, however, is that it seems when I have a weekend that is totally dead they are nowhere to be found. If I like someone I am willing to make time to see him, in advance. Many men I encounter give off the vibe that planning a date 3 days in advance is too much of a commitment. Then when they call that weekend I have gone to see my niece or I am taking a night out with the girls I hear "Man. You are always so busy." When I explain that I called them the prior weekend and didn't get an answer...they have no answer for me. It has just always seemed like a double standard thing to me. As in, if they are busy, not answering or unavailable, well that's okay, but when I'm off doing something I've likely planned a week or more in advance, I'm "always busy."
I've come to my own conclusion some time ago that a guy that isn't willing to make plans to spend time with me in advance "isn't that into me" or isn't ready for something serious, but I think the same way we look at others we have to take stock of ourselves. I have had a man tell me that he just doesn't like to be bound by plans, even with his friends. He says he'd rather take his chances do what it is he wants to do and then if the feeling to socialize hit him call people and see if they are down. He said he doesn't expect people to put their lives on hold waiting on him to call. He also said that this behavior is the one that his friends and females he is seeing complain about the most.
So in light of all this pretense. A few questions crossed my mind.
Should I be more available to the self proclaimed spontaneous guy who just can't abide by a schedule? Umm I don't think so, but for the sake of discussion and dialogue I want to hear what The Hill thinks.
Maybe I need to take a look at my free time and how it's alloted, but I just wonder are we really too busy to date or too involved in other things to take the time to plan ahead? Are people just too disorganized/selfish/indecisive/fill in the blank to plan?
Do we sometimes expect people to be on our timetable without asking them what their timetable/availablility is looking like?
Is it fair to be upset/disappointed when we give a love interest notice of our free time and they don't take advantage of it?
In my dating life I have recently encountered a man who has become busy with work. Now I have no reason to believe he isn't telling the truth, but his constant comment and the fact that we haven't connected in person in weeks has me thinking. I grew up believing that we all make time for the things we want to make time for in life. This is beyond work, responsibilities, commitments and other acton items. If we want to see someone, I think we find a way to see that person or talk to them. Anything less than that to me has always been a choice.
On the other hand I have found that sometimes I am busy, out of town or unavailable. So I began to wonder if my assessment is fair. I tend to think of myself as an extremely busy person who knows how to balance time well. Most months I can balance job, business, working out, friends and family well, still finding time to sit at home and watch a reality show or write a blog. As of late I've fallen off my workout schedule and I sometimes struggle during the week to find a free moment for myself. One night this week I had a conference call, followed by a call with my sister, followed by another conference call, after which I had a throbbing headache and no desire to reach out and touch anyone on a personal more social level.
There have been times that men have reached out to me to connect and I haven't been available. My frustration, however, is that it seems when I have a weekend that is totally dead they are nowhere to be found. If I like someone I am willing to make time to see him, in advance. Many men I encounter give off the vibe that planning a date 3 days in advance is too much of a commitment. Then when they call that weekend I have gone to see my niece or I am taking a night out with the girls I hear "Man. You are always so busy." When I explain that I called them the prior weekend and didn't get an answer...they have no answer for me. It has just always seemed like a double standard thing to me. As in, if they are busy, not answering or unavailable, well that's okay, but when I'm off doing something I've likely planned a week or more in advance, I'm "always busy."
I've come to my own conclusion some time ago that a guy that isn't willing to make plans to spend time with me in advance "isn't that into me" or isn't ready for something serious, but I think the same way we look at others we have to take stock of ourselves. I have had a man tell me that he just doesn't like to be bound by plans, even with his friends. He says he'd rather take his chances do what it is he wants to do and then if the feeling to socialize hit him call people and see if they are down. He said he doesn't expect people to put their lives on hold waiting on him to call. He also said that this behavior is the one that his friends and females he is seeing complain about the most.
So in light of all this pretense. A few questions crossed my mind.
Should I be more available to the self proclaimed spontaneous guy who just can't abide by a schedule? Umm I don't think so, but for the sake of discussion and dialogue I want to hear what The Hill thinks.
Maybe I need to take a look at my free time and how it's alloted, but I just wonder are we really too busy to date or too involved in other things to take the time to plan ahead? Are people just too disorganized/selfish/indecisive/fill in the blank to plan?
Do we sometimes expect people to be on our timetable without asking them what their timetable/availablility is looking like?
Is it fair to be upset/disappointed when we give a love interest notice of our free time and they don't take advantage of it?
Join the conversation, add your comment4 MEMBER COMMENT(S)
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On October 19, 2009, 10:35 am Shakira7 says:
@TMurray, you know I don't have all the answers but is sounds like he has other interests elsewhere. Work is part of of it but not whole. Men and women do what they want, when, and with whom they desire.
Date more people to have fun and not necessarily as a love interest. It always happen when you are not looking for it. Shoot, you might have to come to where they are, where there a less women. I know that it could be uncomfortable at first but try getting out of what's so comfortable and take some chances. You might find a treasure! Plan some downtime 1st times. |
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On October 26, 2009, 10:33 am MassAppeal says:
@Tmurr
I agree with Shakira. If men are unable to commit to a plan set for 3 days or more it's because they're simply waiting to see what other options they may have come along. |
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On October 27, 2009, 9:29 pm Dashon says:
Tmurray: You know my motto: We MAKE time for the things we want to do, or that are important to us. Continue to do you...and let ole boy get in where he fits in...if he fits at all. (lol).
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Date more people to have fun and not necessarily as a love interest.
It always happen when you are not looking for it.
Shoot, you might have to come to where they are, where there a less women.
I know that it could be uncomfortable at first but try getting out of what's so comfortable and take some chances. You might find a treasure!
Plan some downtime 1st times.